I guess Steph Curry doesn’t love America? But I do, and I’ll play


Best basketball player in the world, or America’s greatest traitor?

Steph Curry recently announced he would not be participating in the upcoming Olympic games due to his various injuries and for his apparent hatred of America. I’m sure if MOTHER RUSSIA knocked on Steph’s door and offered him a hammer and sickle he’d jump at the opportunity to play.

Well guess what Steph? When Lady Liberty comes a calling, you’d better be ready to accept the charges and put aside your little dings and maladies to give it all for the red, the white, and the blue.

Dos vedanya comrade, don’t let your bottle of vodka hit your ass on the way out.

Too fill the void left by “Red Menace” Curry, I’m officially announcing that I will happily play in the Olympic games for Team USA Basketball.

You hear that, Coach K? I won’t give you any lip about injuries, playing too many minutes during the regular season, or the deadly Zika virus. What you will get is a level of scrappiness hardly ever seen on an Olympic court.

Want me to swim in the fecal stained waters of Rio to prove my worth? I’ll gargle that swill for this fabulous country and pick the pieces of dead monkey out of my teeth with a smile.

You think that Cosmonaut Curry would do that for you, America? Of course not. He’s probably at home selling all of our nuclear secrets to Prime Minister Brezhnev.

You need someone to take out Tony Parker when France comes into town? I’ll run through him like tourists visiting the Louvre at closing time. Dirk Nowitzki drops 30 in the first half? I’ll go for his knees like I’m storming the beaches and looking to take out as many Krauts as I can. Is Matthew Dellavedova throwing crotch shots left and right? Well then G’Day mate, a mysterious masked man will bash in his knee with a lead pipe on the way to the locker room at halftime.

Also, not to brag or anything, but seconds before Apollo Creed died in the ring back in 1985, I was holding his head in my lap and he told me to carry on the good name of the U S of A and gave me his red, white and blue trunks.

In all honesty, I probably shoot just a smidge worse than Steph. I’ll admit to that, I will. But what I make up for is my HIGH basketball IQ. Is Paraguay throwing the old Box and One defense against us? I’ll call for the Swinging Gate. GUARANTEED BUCKETS. You can’t teach that kind of leadership on the court.

Need someone to teach Kevin Love a proper two-handed set shot? Aim for the back of that rim, Love, lets get to work.

So forget about Red October Curry, America. Bring me in and I guarantee a gold medal.

Hell, I can’t be any worse than Laettner.

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