Today, of course, is Friday the 13th. Jason Voorhees is still out there, tightening his hockey mask, watching camp counselors skinny dip in the inviting waters of Camp Crystal Lake, and planning a long awaited visit to Philadelphia to hack and slash his way through the city of Brotherly Love.
For the third time, we ask the age old question: “Which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?”
Markelle Fultz: Everyone’s favorite #1 overall pick doesn’t stand a chance. Sorry Markelle. He’d put up a good fight, but would ultimately be discouraged by the Philadelphia media criticizing his “lack of effort” to get away from his attacker. Probably wouldn’t mind being hacked to death so he didn’t have to experience the city and its fans completely turning on him when he doesn’t average 30 points a game in his rookie season.
Means of death: A machete to the head after he tries to throw a knife a Voorhees and misses by 10-feet.
Legarrette Blount: All good horror movies need a stoner/comic relief character, and Legarrette Blount fits the role perfectly. Loves his weed? Check. Fan favorite? Check. Amazing feats of skill that are oftentimes overshadowed by brain dead decisions and poor analytical thinking? Check plus. We still love you, Legarrette, but I don’t think you’re going to be around for the sequels.
Means of death: A 5-foot gravity bong shoved down his throat.
Dario Saric: The obvious ladies man of the movie. His foreign accent and all around suaveness will have the women in the franchise swooning over his patented “mustache rides,” which sounds much more classy when he sees it. Unfortunately, if you have sex in one of these movies you know you’re going to get a spike through the back while you’re fucking. Sorry homie, get one last fuck in and close your eyes. It will all be over soon.
Means of death: Girlfriend’s head falls off when he returns to room after throwing away used condom, turns around to a fist being punched through his skull.
Colin Cowherd: Dead. So, so dead. The rat of the movie that everyone hates and openly cheers for his death when it finally happens. The cowardly excuse for a human being will likely lock his friends and co-workers in a cabin with Voorhees as he blindly flees into the woods to save his own skin. Only there in the first place because he’s the cousin of one of the main characters and everyone already hates him because it was revealed he tried to force himself on the main protagonists girlfriend against her will. What a sniveling little wretch of a man. I’m talking about the “character” of Colin Cowherd in this movie, not the real person if any of his lawyers are reading. I’d like to make that clear.
Means of death: Turns around mid run in the woods, breaths a sigh of relief that he was able to escape. Turns back around into Jason’s chest….has his face pushed through and skewered by a sharp tree branch. Entire viewing audience cheers and revels that he is finally off the screen for good.
Les Bowen: Old, wise hermit who has lived in the woods for many years and knew this night would finally come. Would be distrusted at first, but ultimately would sacrifice his own self to save the Philadelphia athletes he covers. Upon his demise, Philly.com would lift its paywall for one week so fans could read the backlog of his stories, and then would charge double after the week is over.
Means of death: Grabbing the feathered quill he used to pen his first article (a stirring recap of the Battle of Concord), Bowen would stab the writing device into Voorhees’s eye, once and for all proving that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword. Unfortunately for him, Voorhees uses a machete, which would be unceremoniously shoved through Bowen’s belly, sending the two careening into the dark waters of Crystal Lake.
BONUS SCENE AFTER THE CREDITS: We see the camera slowly pan to the docks where Voorhees and Bowen had battled at the end of the movie, a fog is rolling in over the black waters of the accursed lake. The camera zooms into the rippling surface of the lake…and Bowen’s hand bursts through the glassy water, grasping at the dock as the battered journalist pulls himself up onto the dock, gasping for breath. The camera pulls back, ONLY TO REVEAL A MACHETE EMERGING FROM THE WATER JUST A FOOT AWAY FROM BOWEN, AS THE MUSIC SWELLS AND THE SCREEN GOES TO BLACK.