Gabe Kapler

The new Phillies clubhouse victory celebration may be hiding a dark secret

The home opener went about as expected. Phillies beat a minor league Marlins squad 5-0 on a blustery opening day. Gabe got the ever loving shit booed out of him by the Phillies Phaithful, likely shedding manlytears behind the safety of his reflective aviator sunglasses as his muscular heart broke in twain. Nick Williams

But the most interesting nugget to come out of the home opener? Let Todd Zolecki fill you in on the new clubhouse routine after a win.

Fog machines? Lasers? Strobe lights? I’m sure that won’t get insanely irritating by May. If just one of those players in the clubhouse was epileptic it would be a DISASTER of shaky proportions.

The clubhouse is a 1970s Who concert, without the tragic trampling of hundreds of adoring fans.

But hold on a second here….there may be more to this than meets the eye. Is Gabe Kapler trying to tell us something?

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By the time you read this Gabe Kapler will have gotten the bullpen up again

……………………..What the hell was that?

No, really. What the hell did we just see? Fifteen pitchers used in the first two games of the season (an MLB record, one of the bad ones), which forced the Phillies to address the ALREADY TAXED bullpen (on game 2) by contemplating a roster move to bring up an additional pitcher for Saturday’s game.

Kapler trotted out to the mound over the weekend like a man who realized he had forgotten about cardio training for the last 15 years of his life.

But somehow, SOMEHOW that wasn’t even the worst part of the weekend. The worst part was watching Gabe Kapler’s brain fog over from inhaling too much fermented sloth piss (it does wonders to balance your Chi) before the game and summon Hoby Milner in relief for third inning during Saturday’s bloodbath DESPITE the lefty having not thrown a warmup pitch.

What was he expecting Milner to do, kick the ball to home plate? This led to crew chief Jerry Lane openly chastising Kapler for his incredible amounts of incompetence in managing the Phillies in the third game of his career.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen an umpire openly go into a manager on the record for putting his athletes in danger of being injured.

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Phillies tab a piece of Grade-A, marbled American beef to be their next manager

The Phillies reportedly hired themselves some Grade-A American beef over the weekend, tabbing former Los Angeles exec and muscled adonis Gabe Kapler as the franchise’s next manager.

Kapler is expected to bring cutting-edge sports science techniques to the clubhouse, a willingness to take risks, and an unfettered beauty that will force thousands of straight men in the area to take a long, uncomfortable look at their own sexual identities.

Good god, just look at him. LOOK AT THAT PUNIM! That is a face you can bring home to momma.

You could grate cheese on those abs, cheese that Gabe wouldn’t eat because you can’t get abs like that if you’re constantly eating the cheese that you’ve grated off your own abs. Lets get serious.

He has a face that looks like it has been sculpted from a pure block of marble, crafted by the finest old-world Italian craftsmen that have ever walked upon this earth.

Wives and girlfriends will be wondering while their husbands and boyfriends are staying up late AGAIN to watch the Phillies this summer.

“You were up REALLY late last night…were you watching the Phillies again? They lost 10-2…what the hell were you doing?”

“Nothing, ok? Just shut up. Oh, don’t clear out the DVR, I taped the game.”

 

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