It’s Christmas morning in the City of Philadelphia. The Eagles unwrap one of the huge, festive boxes at their feet and squeal with glee. It’s a PS4. It will go perfect with the XBox One. The 76ers scream in happiness as the city presents them with a new 52-inch flat-screen television for their room.
The Phillies are gifted a nondescript, manila envelope containing a $50 check made out to cash.
Nobody even remembers to wake the Flyers up. Nobody cares about the Flyers.
Oh those poor Phillies. A game out of first place, already eclipsed the win total from 2017, and it’s like it doesn’t even matter. Why lavish any attention on the runt of the litter when the golden boys, the favored children, the HEIRS to the Philadelphia empire, are around?
It’s not fair. The Phillies are talented. They’re competing. They should be loved and adored. Instead, they’re asked to take care of “this mess” while the Eagles and 76ers get to play with their new toys.
But why? Why are they shunned? Sadly, the Phillies just don’t have the intrigue of the Eagles or the 76ers. The Eagles won the Super Bowl. The 76ers have Joel Embiid. The Phillies rely on starting pitching and don’t score runs.
They play defense with all the grace and fluidity of someone trying to pick up pees while wearing boxing gloves.
Unlike the 2008 Phillies, they don’t win games by a score of 9-8. They win games by a score of 3-1 and by walking a lot. Their grade-A beefcake manager relies on something called “analytics” that frightens the older fan base and goes against everything the casual fan knows.
Using advanced data to improve the team’s chances of winning?! Witchcraft, witchcraft I say! Whatever happened to “believing in your gut” and good old-fashioned “hunches” to win ballgames?
Candy Maldonado never had to rely on a computer to win ballgames.
They’re “boring” don’t have anyone to root for. Hell, Rhys Hoskins has only hit 42 home runs in his first 162 games. He’s no Chase Utley.
Aaron Nola may be having a better season than Roy Halladay’s 2010 Cy Young winning season, but it’s a fluke. He can’t keep this up. Just a blip on the radar.
Why can’t they be more like the 76ers? The Eagles? Both with a sustained history of excellence and stability, the pinnacle of professionalism, never an embarrassing moment in either of the franchises’ history.
Maybe the city will accept the Phillies once they get their act together and represent Philadelphia in the right way. The professional way. The classy way.
Or maybe they can stop losing to the MOTHER FUCKING Mets. That would help.
Go buy Phillies merchandise you ungrateful, absentee parents.