The Phillies reportedly hired themselves some Grade-A American beef over the weekend, tabbing former Los Angeles exec and muscled adonis Gabe Kapler as the franchise’s next manager.

Kapler is expected to bring cutting-edge sports science techniques to the clubhouse, a willingness to take risks, and an unfettered beauty that will force thousands of straight men in the area to take a long, uncomfortable look at their own sexual identities.

Good god, just look at him. LOOK AT THAT PUNIM! That is a face you can bring home to momma.

You could grate cheese on those abs, cheese that Gabe wouldn’t eat because you can’t get abs like that if you’re constantly eating the cheese that you’ve grated off your own abs. Lets get serious.

He has a face that looks like it has been sculpted from a pure block of marble, crafted by the finest old-world Italian craftsmen that have ever walked upon this earth.

Wives and girlfriends will be wondering while their husbands and boyfriends are staying up late AGAIN to watch the Phillies this summer.

“You were up REALLY late last night…were you watching the Phillies again? They lost 10-2…what the hell were you doing?”

“Nothing, ok? Just shut up. Oh, don’t clear out the DVR, I taped the game.”

 

I’m straight, I have a fabulous wife and a great kid, but if Gabe asked me to run away with him to an island off the coast of Spain I’d have to seriously consider it (sorry babe, but just look at him, you get it).

It’s far too early to be seen if Kapler will actually, you know, be an effective manager for this team and not a piece of serious eye candy.

Frankly, I think his strict adherence to sports science will grate on a team (especially if they’re not winning) for 162 games. Nobody wants to hear about the importance of deep REM sleep or how white flour causes cancer when you just dropped a game to the Nationals in July and are sitting 27 games under .500.

That shit would get annoying fast. Chip Kelly didn’t last 32 games before his players openly revolted against him for being a fascist, but then again Chip Kelly didn’t look like THAT.

Sure, you may want to pipe up about how it isn’t fair that there’s no junk food in the clubhouse anymore, but what are you going to say when you get lost in those baby blues? You think Cameron Rupp will be able to voice his displeasure at the uncomfortable sleep monitor he has to wear when Gabe is getting changed in front of him? I don’t think so, amigo.

God speed, Gabe. May you experience success with the franchise and some incredible gains as well.