The home opener went about as expected. Phillies beat a minor league Marlins squad 5-0 on a blustery opening day. Gabe got the ever loving shit booed out of him by the Phillies Phaithful, likely shedding manlytears behind the safety of his reflective aviator sunglasses as his muscular heart broke in twain. Nick Williams

But the most interesting nugget to come out of the home opener? Let Todd Zolecki fill you in on the new clubhouse routine after a win.

Fog machines? Lasers? Strobe lights? I’m sure that won’t get insanely irritating by May. If just one of those players in the clubhouse was epileptic it would be a DISASTER of shaky proportions.

The clubhouse is a 1970s Who concert, without the tragic trampling of hundreds of adoring fans.

But hold on a second here….there may be more to this than meets the eye. Is Gabe Kapler trying to tell us something?

Lasers? Fog machines? Strobe lights? This sounds an awful like the RAVE culture I’ve read about on the internet. Is Gabe Kapler on drugs? Don’t people do that at raves?

Hmmm….don’t the drugs makes your eyes dilate? Is that why Gabe Kapler wears reflective sunglasses, so we can’t see him TRIPPING OUT in the dugout? What kind of pill popper did the Phillies front office get us involved with here?

QUICK, one of the beat reporters should offer him a hug in the clubhouse before an interview…when you’re within close proximity to him, give him a quick smell to see if he has the odor of the marijuana. It’s for his own good.

It makes too much sense. He’s always talking about unity, about love, about TOGETHERNESS…why, that sounds like the ramblings of a dirty hippy stoned out of his gourd!

Of course this is all alleged, but if he is on drugs, it would be a scandal the franchise may never crawl out of. How dare he try to expand his mind with illicit substances.

If it’s true then Gabe needs to grow up and become an alcoholic like the rest of us.

Shame on you, Phillies, for setting such an awful example for the city and our children.