You too could feed the giraffes with Andrew McCutchen this summer

The summer is upon us. The weather is getting warmer, the days are getting longer, the 76ers had their annual second round playoffs exit (sob), and a shattered city hopelessly turns its attention to the Phillies to try to get through the long, humid months before the start of football.

3-1 counts! Mound visits! Pitching changes! Ben Davis prattling on like he thinks if he stops talking he’ll die! FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!

One thing that did catch my eye is the Phillies announcement of its annual “Phillies 2019 Phantastic Auction” which allows fans to bid on once-in-a-lifetime experiences with the team, with all funds going to Phillies Charities Inc., the franchises charitable organization.

I thought it would be a nice diversion from our crippling depression to take a look at some of the more interesting items you can bid on.

I’ll go through a few of these and give you an idea of how much you should bid on each one after the jump.

“Koffee with Kap” with Phillies Manager Gabe Kapler: Go on a coffee date with resident manager and all-American beefcake Gabe Kapler! Listen as he spins yarns about his crucial decision making process to call for an infield shift in the 4th inning of a May double-header against the Mets and the statistical evidence that proves it was the right move! Shake your head in wonder as he refuses to drink any of the coffee, yet spits it out in a nearby spittoon as to “avoid unnecessary calories.” Get lost in his dreamy, piercingly blue eyes. Proposed bid: $3,000.

Private Pitching Session with Phillies All-Star Pitcher Aaron Nola: Have your child gain wisdom from a frustrated pitcher who is suddenly overwhelmed with confidence issues! Your child will learn to emulate a pitching motion that will surely tear their arm out of his or her socket by July. Proposed bid: $500

Interactive Golf Experience with Phillies Pitcher Zach Eflin and Catcher Andrew Knapp: Do you like golf? No? Do you have trouble sleeping? Yes? Well then this package is definitely for you. Proposed bid: $1,000.

All-Access Behind-the-Scenes Tour with Phillies Pitcher Jake Arrieta & Private Suite with Catering: You’ll need a private suite with catering to recover from the hell of Jake Arrieta giving you an all-access, behind-the-scenes tour of Citizens Bank Park. If you don’t think you’ll be running poles within 5-minutes of being there you are sorely, SORELY mistake. Enjoy being yelled at for 6-hours by one of the surliest members of the Phillies? If so, you’ll love this package. Proposed bid: $1,500.

Feed the Giraffes with Phillies All-Star Outfielder Andrew McCutchen at the Philadelphia Zoo: …….What?

Mr. McCutchen and I threw pieces of bread at the giraffes in silence for 10-minutes and then each went our separate ways. I asked if he wanted to check out the reptile house. He asked if there were giraffes in the reptile house. I said no. He said said I just answered my own question and left.  I paid $10,000 for this. Proposed bid: $10,000

Meet the Phillies Baseball Operations Department and Watch an Inning with General Manager Matt Klentak: Have you ever wanted to see the look of true disappointment on a child? No? Well, buy your son or daughter this package and you definitely will.

“Do I get to meet any of the players, dad?”

“No, you get to meet the guy who signed those players! And watch an inning with him!”

“I hate you Dad.”

“I know.”

Proposed bid: $50.

Shadow Broadcaster Gregg Murphy for a Game on NBC Sports Philadelphia Authentic Fan Night: You could definitely do this without paying for the pleasure to do so any night you’re at the ballpark. Just follow Murphy around. You bought a ticket, it’s your god-given right to obnoxiously peak over Murphy’s shoulder as he talks about his notebook or whatever nonsense he does during a game. Proposed bid: $0

One-Day Ultimate Phillies Internship Experience: Pay for the pleasure of answering angry season ticket calls all morning and preparing Tom McCarthy’s mayonnaise sandwich on white bread for lunch. Proposed bid: $75.

You and a Friend Included in the 2019 Phillies Team Photo: Be immortalized in a team photo and take pleasure in the fact that Bryce Harper will forever be puzzled years from now when he glances at the photo and wonders who the two schlubs are that were included with the team. Proposed bid: $4,000.

Get to bidding, Philadelphia. It’s all for charity, so let’s throw some money at a nondescript problem and feel better about ourselves!

Or, you can donate to the Coggin Toboggan charity and buy some Phillies gear by clicking the banner below. Just do that instead.

Philadelphia Phillies gear at

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