……………………..What the hell was that?

No, really. What the hell did we just see? Fifteen pitchers used in the first two games of the season (an MLB record, one of the bad ones), which forced the Phillies to address the ALREADY TAXED bullpen (on game 2) by contemplating a roster move to bring up an additional pitcher for Saturday’s game.

Kapler trotted out to the mound over the weekend like a man who realized he had forgotten about cardio training for the last 15 years of his life.

But somehow, SOMEHOW that wasn’t even the worst part of the weekend. The worst part was watching Gabe Kapler’s brain fog over from inhaling too much fermented sloth piss (it does wonders to balance your Chi) before the game and summon Hoby Milner in relief for third inning during Saturday’s bloodbath DESPITE the lefty having not thrown a warmup pitch.

What was he expecting Milner to do, kick the ball to home plate? This led to crew chief Jerry Lane openly chastising Kapler for his incredible amounts of incompetence in managing the Phillies in the third game of his career.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen an umpire openly go into a manager on the record for putting his athletes in danger of being injured.

SURPRISE! IT DID NOT GO WELL AFTER THIS! The Phillies were trounced 15-2 and had to use a position player to close out the game.

By this rate (21 pitches in three games) the poor left-handed bastard who gets selected to throw bullpen sessions during practice will be in a real game by May 1.

Noting Kapler’s coaching style, I’m sure he’ll call him up to tell him of the promotion an hour before the game is set to kick off.

Gabe: “Hey, just wanted to let you know that we need you out of the pen today. I used nine pitchers yesterday and we’re taxed out here.”

Practice Pitcher: “The game starts in like 10 minutes, there’s no way I can be there.

Gabe: “Gotta be bold, bro. Stop by GNC on the way, would ya, and pick daddy up some protein powder and arm butter. Gotta get the guns oiled up before the big show.”

Now look, we’re certainly not advocating for Kapler to be fired three games into the season. That’s lunacy, but if it ever were possible for a coach to make a GM think that this may have not been such a good idea, Kapler managed to accomplish that goal with his opening salvo.

Keep being bold, Gabe, it should make for an interesting season.

(Usually I’d urge you to click through the banners below this column to buy Phillies merchandise to make sure daddy gets his medicine, but do you really want to buy a Phillies shirt after this weekend? I don’t blame you)