Election day is what separates this fine country from all the others in the world. It’s what this country was founded on, your right to cast a vote to decide who will lead us into the promised land. Why, our electoral process gives millions of inbred middle-American morons a voice to elect a senile, blustering, embarrassing reality TV star to the White House (ok…it may have its flaws).
But, who should we vote for, Uncle Coggin? There are so many candidates, so many fancy ballot questions that those fat cats in Washington make so hard to understand, why, I don’t know where to start!
Well I’m here to steer you through the rigorous voting landscape and offer my humble opinion on who and what you should pull the lever for today.
So please, sit back and let a middle school drop-out guide you into that voting booth, nuzzle up to your body, wrap my arms around your waist and kiss at your soft, luscious neck while we play out our sensual role in democracy.
Don’t come a knocking if that voting booth is rocking.
The tortured soul of Tony Romo, bound to this world by dark forces ungoverned by man, was finally released from his earthly toil this morning.
The Curse of Ankarnarng, which tormented the eons old being that became known as Tony Romo in this most recent millennium, was lifted after NFL insider and ESPN reporter Adam Schefter recited the Incantation of Omor backwards at the 50-yard-line of Cowboys stadium during a full moon.
After the ancient curse was lifted from the agonized, decrepit husk of a body, Romo thanked his liberator for releasing him from his tortured existence, smiled slightly, winked and crumbled into a fine dust, which was picked up by a soft, warm breeze and disappeared into the ether, Schefter reported on his Twitter account.
Making sure to grab the White Sword of Damathria and his iPhone 7 before leaving, Schefter made a hasty retreat prior to the appearance of the fearful ogre known only as “Dak of Prescott.”
At press time, a rage filled, hateful scream from Jerry Jones’s office shook the Cowboys stadium to its very core.
Wow…this is why I never bet on football games. The gravy train with biscuit wheels is officially off the tracks. Oh my god we SUCK at making picks for these Eagles games. After a hot start we’ve gotten all four predictions wrong in the past two weeks.
Oh wait, I mean, our guest pickers are terrible at making predictions because these are REAL guests making REAL picks for us.
We are awful.
So this week the Eagles (+4.5) take on the hated Cowboys in a clash of the top two NFC East teams. Dak Prescott welcomes Philadelphia to Arlington and Skip Bayless is already creaming in his jeans to see his crush take on Carson Wentz and the Eagles.
Just admit you want to tenderly kiss Prescott’s neck, Skip, and your life will be so much happier.
Win/loss prediction results: 2-4
Against the spread: 3-3
But who will make our picks this week…it’s Tony Romo! Tony, welcome to the Coggin.
Tony Romo looking to be in mid-season form.
Dallas, TX – Dallas Cowboys fans breathed a sigh of relief this morning when injured quarterback Tony Romo blinked once to confirm “yes”from his hospital room when a reporter asked if he could possibly be available on week one.
Romo, lying motionless in a hospital bed with a large intubation tube down his throat to assist him in breathing, answered questions from the media using the classic one blink for yes, two blinks for no system.