Using sophisticated hacking technology, the Coggin is able to give you an exclusive look at today’s in-progress NFL social media class for its athletes. Due to several social media faux pas, the NFL mandated the course be taken by several of its most recent
Let’s take a look at the ongoing meeting transcript, shall we?
NFL Social Media Liaison: “Guys, please, can we please just FOCUS for a minute here. I cannot stress this next point enough. Never, ever, EVER, under any circumstances invoke the Hitler into any of your posts. I don’t care if you find a passage in Mein Kampf where he mentions you by name as his favorite NFL player, do NOT put any quotes, pictures, caricatures, anything about Hitler on your social media pages. Any questions?
DeSean Jackson: (mouth moving but no sound)
Liaison: “DeSean you’re on mute.”
Jackson: (mouth continues to move)
Liaison: “DeSean…D….DeSean you’re on mute. Unmute yourself. The red microphone button, click it, you’re on mute.
Jackson: “My bad. But what if you find out it’s a fake quote from Hitler? Is that cool? I can still post that, right?”
Liaison: “What? No….would that make it better? Why would you think that?”
Jackson: “Well if it’s fake then you can’t get in trouble for it….and like….people wouldn’t be as mad about it, right?”
Liaison: “No Hitler.”
Jackson: “But what if…”
Liaison: “NO HITLER.”
Jackson: “I’ve been reading a lot lately about this cat from Cambodia….Pol Pot? What about him?”
Liaison: “Guys, for fuck sake, three hours into this now….let’s just make it a rule to steer clear from all despotic rulers, okay?”
::scribbling of notes can be heard in the background::
Liaison: “Not sure why you’re all writing that down, shouldn’t be too hard to remember. Let’s run some drills…okay, Dak, say you have a birthday party. You have over 100 guests at your house. Do you post a picture of the party on your Instagram?”
Dak Prescott: “I know where you’re going with this….no penis water guns in any of the pictures. Perfect. Got it, thanks.”
Liaison: “No…no man….don’t post pictures during a pandemic of hundreds of people in your home. COVID-19…right? Remember? Social distancing?
Zeke Elliott: “I dunno, I heard that entire thing is a hoax.”
Liaison: “You have COVID-19 right now Zeke, like right now. You actually have the virus.”
Elliott: “I posted something today on my Insta about how the whole thing is a hoax, man, how Bill Gates just wants to inject us with tracking devi-”
Liaison: “I’m going to stop you right there. Please, dear God, delete that right now. Zeke, I’m begging you, get someone else to run your social media. Please.”
Elliott: “Nah, I’m okay. In fact I was watching this YouTube video today, Loose Change? I can’t wait to talk about tha-”
Liaison: “Just get ready for a suspension now, Zeke, that’s all I can tell you. Does anyone else have any questions?
Nick Bosa: “Bro, what if like, you see this totally hilarious joke on Twitter about gay dudes that like totally cracks you up. I mean, gay dudes kissing, that’s hilarious! We can retweet something like that, I don’t see a problem with that.”
Liaison: “You don’t see a problem with retweeting horrific jokes about gay people? What the hell is wrong with you?
Bosa: “Cause they’re different than me, bro, it’s funny! Okay, I see what you’re saying about retweeting, what if I just like it? Can’t trace that bro, Bosa’s always one-step ahead of the game.”
Liaison: “You are perhaps the worst person I’ve ever met, Nick. I’m serious.”
Bosa: “Thanks bro, means a lot.”
Liaison: “Not a compliment. I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. Wait…wait, Laremy, what the hell are you doing over there?”
Laremy Tunsil: “Nothing. What?”
Liaison: “It’s a Zoom conference, I can see you…you have like eight bongs behind you. You’ve been doing Zoom interviews with the media all week….tell me you weren’t doing them from that room?”
Tunsil: “Uhh…I could tell you I didn’t but it would be a lie.” ::blows out huge cloud of white smoke and puts on a gas mask bong::
Liaison: “You guys are fucking KILLING ME. You’re absolutely killing me. How stupid can all of you be? This isn’t hard, it really isn’t. Can I ask one more thing of you all….how many of you have DMd pictures of your genitalia to women on Twitter in the last week?”
::All hands go up::
Liaison: “…………god damnit.”