Election day is what separates this fine country from all the others in the world. It’s what this country was founded on, your right to cast a vote to decide who will lead us into the promised land. Why, our electoral process gives millions of inbred middle-American morons a voice to elect a senile, blustering, embarrassing reality TV star to the White House (ok…it may have its flaws).
But, who should we vote for, Uncle Coggin? There are so many candidates, so many fancy ballot questions that those fat cats in Washington make so hard to understand, why, I don’t know where to start!
Well I’m here to steer you through the rigorous voting landscape and offer my humble opinion on who and what you should pull the lever for today.
So please, sit back and let a middle school drop-out guide you into that voting booth, nuzzle up to your body, wrap my arms around your waist and kiss at your soft, luscious neck while we play out our sensual role in democracy.
Don’t come a knocking if that voting booth is rocking.
VOTE YES on Michael Irvin’s cocaine dealer: Did you see how much Michael Irvin was sweating yesterday as he ranted and raved about the Cowboys? That was pure cocaine eating its way through his skull, folks. He saw God after two lines. That must be some high-quality Bolivian booger sugar if it gets noted coke-head Irvin THAT yakked up. OOOOOOO WEEEEEEE!
VOTE YES on the Cowboys re-signing Jason Garret and Dak Prescott to big deals: No brainer, folks. FOUR MORE YEARS for one of the most average, milquetoast quarterbacks to ever average 5-yards per throw attempt and his clapping, bone-headed, limp coach. If we’re lucky that cocaine burned hole in Jerry Jones’s brain will make him crazy enough in the offseason to talk himself into multiple more seasons for this power duo.
VOTE YES on the Coggin Toboggan as a write-in candidate for Camden County Sheriff: Are you as sick of incumbent sheriff Whip Wilson flip-flopping on cattle rustlers as I am? Do you want new Colt six-shooters for all registered posse members? Tired of long lines at the horse troughs after cattle drives? If so, vote Coggin for Camden County Sheriff as a write-in candidate and give me that shiny badge. I’ll be the law round these parts.
Remember, a vote for Coggin as sheriff is a vote for a 20% decrease in high-noon gun duels by 2020.
VOTE NO on the baby laughing at bubbles landing on his nose for the $10,000 America’s Funniest Videos grand prize: We can do better than that. What about the toddler that hit his dad in the crotch with a WiffleBall bat? Now that is fresh and hilarious.
VOTE NO on anymore fun, folksy features on Dave Hakstol that humanize one of the worst coaches in the NHL: An anecdote about wake boarding bought the helmet-haired boob another half-season to ruin this franchise. No more well-written, entertaining features on Hakstol until he’s fired and 100 miles outside of the city limits. You hear me, Mike Sielski? I’m looking at you.
VOTE YES on the Very Best of Todd Rundgren: The album is a real banger. Todd Rundgren was a goddamn hitmaker.
VOTE NO on your wife taking up Doug Pederson on his offer for a “business” lunch: Oh, it’s just a professional business lunch with Doug Pederson? You expect me to believe that when you don’t even work for the Eagles? Who has a three-hour “business” lunch at Del Friscos, drinks two bottles of wine, and then goes back to the NovaCare Complex for a tour of his “office.” Yeah, I know he’s a nice guy, he’s Doug Pederson, he won us a Super Bowl, but that doesn’t mean you can just throw our marriage away for him, baby please.
BABY I’M SORRY, DON’T DO THIS, WE CAN WORK THIS OUT PLEASE. JUST DON’T GO INTO HIS OFFICE DEAR GOD NO WHY?!
::Pederson’s office door closes on me like Kay at the end of The Godfather::
VOTE YES on Ballot Question 31, the legal tarring and feathering of Bryan Colangelo: A special ballot question was added to the midterms for our Pennsylvania voters that would enable the city to tar and feather the oversized collared, daddy’s boy GM that fell ass backwards into Ben Simmons and did nothing else to better a once-proud franchise before his “wife” embarrassed us all with her hilariously inept attempts to defend her dunderheaded husband.
VOTE YES on me being a better shooter than Ben Simmons at this point: Come on Ben, SHOOT THE BALL GOD DAMNIT YOU’RE WIDE OPEN. I could make that shot, jesus fucking christ… ::cracks open another PBR:: If coach had just given me that shot back in senior year I’d have shown them all.
VOTE YES to a mop handle across the face to Mike Missanelli and Curt Schilling: Grandpa Missanelli and Fuhrer Schilling had an embarrassing public spat on Twitter that led to no winners, only losers for anyone who gave their discussion an ounce of attention. Hopefully Schilling and Missanelli will receive a simultaneous mop handle to their faces during a hilarious Three Stooges-esque plumbing fiasco.
“Why you nazi chowderhead, I’ll show you!” ::slaps him across the face::
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