::ESPN JINGLE MUSIC:: The 2020 Social Distancing Pastime Draft! Sponsored by Budweiser, the king of beers, and Netflix. The first round is concluding as we join our broadcast team, Trey Wingo, Suzy Kolber, Booger McFarland and many others throughout the exciting draft.
Trey Wingo: “Welcome back to the 2020 Social Distancing Pastime Draft on ESPN, your home for sports, your home for the pandemics that really matter. It’s been an exciting day so far, a day to really shape the millions around the country itching to look for ways to kill precious, precious time during these unprecedented times in our history. The draft has held to form so far, hasn’t it Mel? Not a lot of surprises with watching hours upon hours of Netflix going first, followed up with binge-eating and sleeping to round out the top three.”
Mel Kiper: “It stayed true to form. I thought binge-drinking may have slipped into the top three there with the late trade up by Austin Jacobson, the 47-year-old alcoholic out of South Boston to the second pick overall, but according to feelers Jacobson recently found Jesus and binge-eating will most certainly be a classic switching out one addiction for another. Great value in that pick.
Wingo: Up next on the draft board is a man simply known as “Uncle Coggin,” a 37-year-old South Jersey native who traded back into the first round after initially giving his pick away for a ::checks notes:: a game-worn Dave Babych jersey from the 1997 Flyers? Is that right Mel?
Kiper: Not one of the savviest moves I’ve seen.
Wingo: That it wasn’t Mel. Coggin had a solid year last year, as he successfully kept his marriage intact despite very obvious deficiencies as a husband and, against all odds, managed to keep his son alive for another consecutive 365 days in a row. He’s got a nice little four year streak going there.
Kiper: All true, but Coggin really has to work on improving his social skills when the pandemic is over. He’s 37, the days of communicating purely through Seinfeld quotes should be long behind him. His general body odor needs some work as well.
Wingo: That’s for sure. The pick is in, lets go back to COVID-19 Commissioner Dr. Anthony Fauci for the official selection.
Fauci: With the next selection in the 2020 Social Distancing Pastime Draft, Uncle Coggin selects….”sitting in the backyard staring blankly at the trees for hours at a time.”
Wingo: Seems like a great value pick there. Private backyard, a nice chair, just a great way to zone out and forget that you’ll be stuck inside of your house for what could very well be the rest of your life. Lots of upside here.
Booger: I LOVE THIS PICK. SITTING IN THE BACKYARD STARING BLANKLY AT THE TREES FOR HOURS AT A TIME, GUYS, MEANS YOU CAN GET OFF YOUR FEET AND PHYSICALLY SIT ON A WICKER SURFACE SUPPORTED BY A METALLIC FRAME SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO LAY ON THE GROUND. YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES, YOU CAN BLINK, STARE, YOU CAN LOOK. THAT MEANS YOUR EYES ARE OPEN, THEY’RE NOT CLOSED GUYS, BIG DIFFERENCE. BOOM. LOVE THIS PICK.
Kiper: That was at the top of my board, but I’m a little surprised at the selection. Coggin had been sending out feelers in the last week to potentially select “Buying a PS4,” which was also available. Hearing the cost may have scared him off. Definitely a safer route here.
Wingo: Well said, Boom. Let’s take a break!
(ten hours later)
::ESPN Announcer:: Welcome back to the 507th round of the 2020 Social Distancing Pastime Draft.
Wingo: We march on gang. Some great late picks here, lots of value still left. What do you make of the picks made on break, Mel?
Kiper: Real head scratcher with Ernest Youngston out of Brooklyn who selected “Smelling old mustard bottles” in the last round. Not sure what he’s getting out of that, the value for me just isn’t there. I loved Caroline Gingham out of San Diego who selected “playing Atari 2600.” Tons of value there, real old school pick, very surprised it lasted this long on the board.
Wingo: Uncle Coggin next on the podium….let’s see if he can continue a strong draft here after selecting “sitting in the backyard staring blankly at the trees for hours at a time.” Dr. Fauci has the pick.
Fauci: In the 507th round of the 2020 Social Distancing Pastime Draft, Coggin selects….”binge watching mid-80s episodes of NWA Championship Wrestling.”
Wingo: WOW…seems early for that pick.
Kiper: Not sure about this selection, I’ll be honest. I know for a fact Coggin’s wife really had her heart set on “cooking banana bread as a family” but he went his own way with this pick. Think he could have gotten this much later. Not sure what’s going on in the organization.
Kolber: I asked Coggin for comment after his pick but he stumbled past me into his backyard. Strong scents of bourbon were wafting off of his oafish body, Trey, I won’t lie. It looks like he’s passed out on top of a red ant hill. Hate to see it.
Wingo: A sad end to a promising start. We’ll see if he rouses himself for his next pick in the 1200th round. Mel, before we take another break, what’s still left on your big board?
Kiper: I’ve got a late-night purchase of the entire 21 Jump Street BlueRay box set still here, Trey. Learning to unicycle could really prove to be a great time waster for the right organization. Don’t sleep on speaking in a southern accent for an afternoon to annoy your children, great value there.
Wingo: Still lots left. We’ll be right back!
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