The perfect ad doesn’t exist, you say. No simple advertisement could so truly encompass the spirit of a business or a product so perfectly, so succinctly, so ELEGANTLY that it immediately takes your breath away and makes you drop down to your knees to thank GOD that such beauty exists in this world.

Nothing like this could ever exist, you say. Nothing could bring the world together in such harmony and love, to unify the breaks that divide us so deeply at times, to be so utterly sublime that it quite literally stops you in your tracks and demands your attention.

You wouldn’t think an advertisement, let alone a local advertisement for a Philadelphia bar, could make you YEARN for better things.

That is until Locus Rendezvous Bar & Grille, located conveniently on 15th and Locust in the heart of Philadelphia, decided to air this beauty to bring us all together and make us believe in hope again.

I caught a glimpse of this commercial out of the corner of my eye during the NFL draft and couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing. Thanks to Twitter user @TrillBroDude, you can see the magnificence for yourself in all its glory.

No introduction necessary, no pleasant tidings or banter. Just a hard cut and jump into the most insane opening sentence of a commercial ever uttered on television. Read this out loud to yourself…read it out loud to yourself in a heavy Philadelphia accent and remember that someone put pen to paper and thought, “Buckle up motherfuckers, you’re going to need a box of tissues after you see this one.”

We’ve been through tough times together, like 9/11, and we’ve shared good times, like the Birds bringing home that Lombardi Trophy. Amazing.

Just an immediate HARD CUT to the front page of one of the towers burning and collapsing during 9/11, the worst terrorist attack this country has ever experienced (succinctly described as “tough times” by the owner of the bar stiltedly reading her lines off of cue cards after not being bothered to memorize less than 15 seconds of dialogue) to a perfectly edited dissolve for the GOOD TIMES, our Birds bringing home that Lombardi trophy.

E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES. Good times. Go birds. Remember that, when we won the Super Bowl?! Yay! Remember when four hijacked airliners took down the World Trade Center and flew into the Pentagon, killing 2,977 unfortunate American souls? Boo!

Just an absolute tour du force of getting right to the point and MUSHING your face into it as hard as inhumanly possible. 9/11 bad! Eagles winning the Super Bowl good! COVID-19 bad! Locust Rendezvous Bar & Grille good!

Throw in an all time Philadelphia accent butchering of “amazing” to cap it off and you’ve got a stew going, baby.

Who….how….why….? Couldn’t one person filming the ad have spoken up? Gang, we don’t need to go so far over to one side of the spectrum with the bad times, right? If we’re using the Eagles winning the Super Bowl as the good times, shouldn’t we stick with the sports theme? We’ve had plenty of losses in this city that could easily define “bad times,” do we really need to give some poor 9/11 widow night terrors after seeing an ad for a bar? We do? Ok, just checking.

Also, I’m no conspiracy theorist, but if you stop the commercial JUST right….you get this:

U.S. ATTACKED AT LAST!

What are you trying to tell us, Locust Rendezvous Bar & Grille? This is deeper than Stanley Kubrick leaving clues in “The Shining” to admit to filming the moon landing.

God bless you, Locust Rendezvous. Please let me know when you air your next commercial that prominently features vintage World War II clips of the attack on Pearl Harbor. Should be a good one.

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