There’s nothing like the horrific sight of a 300-plus pound man covered in tattoos scraping a cheese grater across the forehead of an agonized Italian-wrestling stereotype named “Little Guido” to truly bring out the finest of South Philadelphia.

ECW was quite it’s own little adventure back in the mid-90s for wrestling fans who wanted a little less athleticism in their wrestlers and a WHOLE lot more blood and profanity in a show. Hosting shows at the infamous 2300 Arena on South Swanson Street where very little wasn’t allowed, ECW crowds did not give a flying fuck about much of anything as long as they could binge drink, watch wrestlers bleed profusely and yell at scantily clad managers to show their tits.

I watched a few PPVs recently (CyberSlam 96 and ECW Barely Legal) on the WWE network and was THRILLED to be able to step into a time portal and people watch when the action spilled over into the crowds.

So many mullets, so many polaroid cameras, very few teeth…let’s take a look at some of the finest fans in attendance at the two PPVs shall we?

Easily my favorite find of the night. Brutally sloshed Cliff Clavin showed up a few times at CyberSlam 96, front row center, every tissue of his body just saturated with Miller Lites his son-in-law encouraged him to pound in the parking lot so they wouldn’t have to buy beer in the arena. Far too drunk to remember his sunglasses have been on for the entire evening.

Just two old guys having the goddamn time of their lives seeing Sabu throw a chair in 2 Cold Scorpio’s face that most certainly led to severe CTE. SPOILER ALERT: Both 100% received DUIs on the drive to a bar after the show to avoid going home to their wives.

If anyone has any idea who these two are please let them know I want to party with them immediately. Regrow the mustache, get out the old Hawaiian shirt you haven’t work in 25 years and I’ll bring the model airplane glue. Line em’ up country music, it’s party night.

Nothing in this WORLD screams 1997 more than a bleached blonde skater cut and taking pictures at a wrestling show with a disposable Polaroid camera to sell in AOL wrestling chat rooms later in the week. $10 for two Tommy Dreamers at Barely Legal is a hell of a deal.

Ladies…. ::tips cap:: Two fetching beauties barely containing their RAW and UNBRIDLED sexual energy for this man….

Yes, the Sandman! A real South Philadelphia 10, you can’t blame those ladies for ruining two perfectly fine pairs of acid-washed Jordache jeans purchased for 40% off at Clover the week before.

I uhh….urr….please remember that 1997 was a very different time, let’s just leave it at that. On the plus side the dad would never be more proud of his son than he was at this point and the fond memories from this night would more than make up for social services taking his kid away after seeing him on the PPV broadcast holding up the slur-ridden sign.

Meth was so cheap in 1997. I mean, it was dirt cheap. Nobody knew any better though, they didn’t know how bad it was back then….well, they did know better, but it was meth. Sweet, sweet meth. Did I mention how cheap meth was in 1997?

This says it all. Just want to chill out on a balcony high above the action, tuck your sweet white t-shirt in your high waisted jeans and just RELAX. Before you know it two behemoths are throwing haymakers mere feet away from you as you hope you don’t make the live broadcast and your construction company finds out you liked about your workman’s compensation claim.

God bless you, ECW fans. You were too pure for this world to survive.

(Phillies coming back soon…click through the banner to keep Uncle Coggin rolling in that money)