Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, doubled down on his support of controversial defensive end Greg Hardy this morning, just several days after Deadspin procured and released disturbing pictures of a bruised and battered Nicole Holden, a girlfriend Hardy allegedly abused during their relationship.
Jones made his comments at a press conference a day after his Cowboys dropped to 2-6, losing to the Eagles 33-27 in overtime.
“Those pictures were horrible, she looked more frightened than a steer on branding day, but we really don’t know what caused those bruises. It could have been anything…an accident, a fall, a jealous, psychotic boyfriend, who knows?” Jones said, adjusting his bolo tie during the conference. “We don’t like to throw our players under the covered wagon, so to speak. She could have fallen down the stairs for all we know.”
Jones stood up for Hardy, saying the Cowboys had given him a second chance as he adjusted his weather beaten cowboys hat.
“What this young man has gone through, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Y’all hurt his feelings something fierce with your reports. He’s been lower than a rattlesnake that lost his rattle, I’ll tell you what. All he has now is the millions of dollars we gave him, so you should all feel sorry for him,” Jones continued. “How do we know this woman didn’t get those marks on her neck from a rampaging, out of control tumbleweed? I’ve seen it happen.”
Jones, his plastic face crinkling and cracking as he tried to force a human smile, took out a six shooter and began to arbitrarily fire it into the air.
“YEEEEE HA! Greg Hardy is the rootingest, tootingest woman abuser we got on this team, and there’s nothing any of y’all can do about it! I might even sign him to an extension!”
At press time, Jones was calling Ray Rice’s agent to see if he could sign him to a mentoring position for the team.