In another “Sliding Doors” reality, the Eagles traded for Mariota and the city is miserable

If you’ve never seen the 1998 Gwyneth Paltrow classic “Sliding Doors” you’re doing yourself quite the disservice. The movie focuses on a woman rushing to catch a train in the London tube (because this movie is so very properly British), and follows separate realities of the woman based on if she had caught or missed the train.

SPOILER: She dies in one of the realities and lives in the other. I don’t remember which one, but despite what you’re all thinking she is not hit by a train in one of the realities. That would have made for a better movie, but who am I criticize the creative choices of Ms. Paltrow?

Either way, it explores an interesting wrinkle I’m sure we’ve all thought about. What if we had taken another career path? What if we had stayed at that party for another 15 minutes and met our soulmate instead of leaving early to go home and drink by ourselves and pass out on our couch at 1 a.m.?

Watching Marcus Mariota bumblefuck his way around the field on Sunday against a piece of garbage Miami Dolphins team and throw bad pass after bad pass made me stop for a moment and consider the path of the Eagles franchise if chubby, no-huddle guru Chip Kelly had actually pulled the trigger on a deal to bring Mariota to the Eagles before the 2015 draft.

Thank Christ Kelly was preoccupied with designing new and innovative ways to call for jet sweeps out of the shotgun with DeMarco Murray than to actually work on a deal to bring Mariota to the Eagles.

We missed the Mariota train, and our lives are so much better for it. Over 15 games last season Mariota threw 13 touchdowns against 15 interceptions. Over 13 games last season Wentz threw 33 touchdowns against 7 interceptions.

Paltrow got off easy dying in her alternate reality. Watching Mariota overthrow receivers week in and week out would be a fate worse than death. The living would envy the dead.

Maybe in our alternate reality the Eagles would have cut ties with Mariota in this offseason and brought in franchise savior Case Keenum on a huge deal. Coach Pederson would be hanging on to his job after two seasons of mediocrity, hitching his wagon to a career backup who had one magical year with the Vikings, forcing the Eagles hand to overpay for him on the free agent market.

Alshon Jeffery is toiling away on the Bears. Corey Clement is out of the league. Chip Kelly is the GM of the Eagles and Howie Roseman is locked in a cage in his office.

We’re all miserable watching Andy Reid win his second straight Super Bowl with Carson Wentz as his quarterback. Donovan McNabb has some out of retirement to play for the Giants and beats the Eagles twice a year.

Terrell Owens finally tells the truth and said he hated playing here, hated the fans.

Mike Missanell is more popular than ever. Angelo Cataldi announces he won’t retire for another 20 years.

Merrill Reese announces he will retire at the end of the season and Rob Ellis will be the new Eagles game day broadcaster. He also announces the creation of a new morning show.

Andrew Bynum is still on the team after 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo, entering his 10th year with the franchise, signed him to a 15-year contract.

President Trump has declared himself despot for life and has vanquished any and all opposition to his power grab.

Dom Brown is still a thing.

Shudder. Carson Wentz is the glue that holds this city together. Thank Christ we missed that other train.

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