The San Francisco Giants announced yesterday that 17-year MLB veteran Jimmy Rollins would not make the team’s final roster.
Rollins, who famously led the Philadelphia Phillies to its first World Series victory since 1980 after declaring them the team to beat. He is one of 8 players, and the only shortstop in the history of baseball, to hit 200 home runs, 500 doubles, and collect 400 steals.
Rollins won three Gold Gloves in his career and was named baseball’s MVP in 2007.
Rollins is reportedly contemplating retirement after hitting .125/.222/.250 with the Giants this spring.
Brock Stassi lowered his guard for a few moments yesterday and cried tears of joy after being informed he had made the Phillies 2017 opening day roster and quickly realizing that it would go all downhill from this point onward.
Stassi told reporters he would forever savor this moment before the city inevitably turns on him for his poor play.
“This is what everyone who has ever played an inning of little league dreams of. It’s been a long journey, drafted in the 33rd round, all those years in AAA, it makes this all the more satisfying,” Stassi said.
“I can see it now, by June I’ll be hitting .220 in limited plate appearances, the sports talk stations will begin to wonder why the Phillies are wasting a roster spot on me, and fans will start to grumble every time they hear my name announced on the PA system at Citizen’s Bank Park when I’m called upon to pinch hit in a key situation, knowing full well I’ll likely ground out into an inning ending, rally killing double play. It couldn’t be more perfect.
Stassi added that he was already planning out a series poorly thought out social media miscues blaming the fans for not supporting him during his struggles in July.
A model New York Mets fan if there ever was one.
An anonymous source from within the Phillies organization reached out to the Coggin Toboggan offices this afternoon with information to help “clear up” the comments made by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie this past week.
The high ranking source with the Phillies said Christie’s unprovoked commentary about the organization likely stemmed from an incident in 2012 when the governor visited CBP for a tilt against the New York Mets.
Well that’s it. It was fun while it lasted. Carson Wentz is officially a bust and the Eagles are a bunch of frauds. Sure they’re 3-2, but they’ll probably lose out for the rest of the season and finish 3-13. WE’RE BACK TO THE DARK DAYS, PEOPLE. Get down on your knees and pray to the God of your choice, because nothing is going to help us now.
I’m not in Philadelphia, but I’m sure Angelo Cataldi has already had multiple on air heart attacks and a debilitating stroke about the Eagles loss. Did he try and blame Malcolm Jenkins for DARING to raise his hand during the National Anthem a few weeks ago? I’m sure he did.
It’s all over people. It was a good few weeks wasn’t it? We were all feeling great about the Eagles, feeling our oats, crowing about our franchise QB….now we lose to a team with a racist name who didn’t even have their best player on offense.
Philadelphia, PA – Ryan Howard, the last member of the 2008 World Series roster, bade farewell to the fans and the organization yesterday in what was his last game in a Phillies uniform.
The Phillies honored their beloved slugger prior to the start of yesterday’s game, allowing a tearful Howard to address the crowd.
“It’s amazing, the appreciation from the organization and the fans,” Howard said. “To have it recognized, it’ll live with me forever.”
Los Angeles, Calif. – Chase Utley, a man of few words who lets his actions do the talking, really fucked the Phillies the right way last night in front of thousands of Dodgers fans and Phillies fans on television.
Not known for his flashy style, the gritty second baseman lashed a home run to right field in his first game against his old team. While it may have been tempting to flaunt his success and rub his good fortune in the face of the franchise that traded him away, Utley simply kept his head down while he fucked the Phillies long and deep.
Hellickson knows he could be traded to a new team fairly soon.
Philadelphia, PA – Fresh off a sparking eight-inning, shutout start against the Miami Marlins, Phillies pitcher Jeremy Hellickson acknowledged today that he may be traded to a contender but would only accept a deal to a team that could forward his career.
Hellickson said he has enjoyed his time with the Phillies, but would welcome a change if the fit was right.
“If I’m traded, I want it to be on my terms to a team that can help my career in the long run,” Hellickson told reporters this morning.