South Los Angeles, Calif. – Perhaps validating one of the most troubled years of his career as a front office representative for the Philadelphia Phillies, Ruben Amaro Jr. won six “Shittie” awards, a competing sports award show held on the same evening as the ESPN “Espy” awards.
The ceremony took place at a YMCA in South Los Angeles from 3 to 5 p.m. yesterday, with some of the most well known names in sports in attendance. Hosted by Bill Cosby, sports dignitaries such as Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson and Tiger Woods all received “Shitties” for their accomplishments this past year.
Ruben Amaro Jr., however, was the toast of the YMCA as the general manager won the most awards of the evening.
“For anyone who wished they could take a World Series championship caliber team and in seven short years turn them into the laughingstock of baseball, this is for you!” Amaro said, beaming as he held up the pyrite (fool’s gold) statue shaped to resemble a huge hunk of dog shit.
Amaro took home awards for the following categories:
– Limiting crying jags to the weekend only.
– Not being as awful 80% of the fans who attend Eagles games.
– Knowing the names of each member of the 2015 Phillies.
– Pretending he has power within the organization.
– Not committing suicide.
– At least being a better person than Adrian Peterson.
Amaro joined such great Philadelphia athletes as Desean Jackson, Ricky Watters, Andy Ashby and the guy who puked all over that little girl a few years ago at Citizen’s Bank Park to receive “Shitties.”
As of press time, Amaro Jr. was working on a trade of Cole Hamels that would almost certainly cement his victory at the 2016 “Shitties.”