Cincinnati, Ohio – Mere moments after the American League defeated the National League in last night’s All-Star Game, new MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred continued to shake up the game when he declared the members of the American League squad as “World Series Champions.”
“Fuck it, just declare them World Series Champs and lets end it already,” Manfred said into an open microphone. “I’ve had it. What have we played, 90 games so far this season? That’s enough, this is it. Please, will all of the athletes go home to their families and loved ones. You are no longer needed here.”
Manfred then eschewed the normal All-Star game theatrics when he had a subordinate bring out the Major League Baseball World Series Championship Trophy. He practically threw the trophy at coach Ned Yost’s feet before again getting on the microphone.
“You people wanted this game to mean something? Well it means something now,” Manfred said to a confused sellout crowd. “Please welcome me in congratulating the 2015 World Series of Champions of baseball!”
Manfred handed a shocked Mike Trout the World Series MVP trophy, instead of the traditional All-Star game trophy.
“I think we’re good, right? That’s enough baseball. We can all focus on the summer now and do fun things with our time, like getting ready for fantasy football. Everyone please leave the stadium, baseball is over for the year. Come back in the spring if you want more,” he said.
As he motioned to a member of the field crew, the lights of the Great American Ball Park turned out in unison.
As of press time, Manfred was reportedly mulling over a proposal to hold next year’s All-Star game during Spring Training.