It’s a few days after the Eagles defeated their toughest challenge on the season, the 4-1 Carolina Panthers, by a score of 28 to 23. The roster is flying high. Everyone is feeling good. Nothing can stop them.
And Michael Myers is lurking with his butchers knife, just waiting to pop out nowhere and ruin everyone’s shit. But, like in every one of those movies, there’s always a hero that sends him back to hell. Does this franchise finally have their “final girl” (the moniker given to the final survivor in a slasher movie, typically a young, busty, virginal blonde) in Carson Wentz?
I say yes.
I’m a HUGE horror movie fan. Give me a shitty 80s slasher, a found-footage schlock fest, or a high brow English ghost yarn (with ghost children eerily skipping rope and threatening their mums with ADORABLE accents from beyond the grave) any day and I’ll be happy. Just nothing from Eli Roth, he’s a hack.
It’s October and you know what that means….it’s time for the terrible/amazing “Halloween” movies to come back into television rotation, and for the premise of this poorly thought out column the correlation between the Eagles season and the plot of every one of 12 movies from the franchise is too much of a coincidence to go unnoticed.
If you’ve seen any of the movies you know how it always goes. There aren’t many surprises to be had. One of the young girls stabs Michael Myers with a pitchfork/shovel/knife/lawn dart or whatever and the masked killer crumples onto the floor of whatever house he’s been stalking in Haddonfield. Boom, easy. Done! He’s dead. Now our heroes can get on with their lives and finally get back to their babysitting duties.
That was much easier this time around. Hell, Dr. Loomis is still driving to Haddonfield, he didn’t even show up for this one. Sorry, Mr. Pleasance, but you shan’t be needed in this sequel.
But, you look at your watch the movie’s only been on for 45 minutes. There’s still more left?
“Michael is finally dead, gang. I stabbed him with a flimsy coat hanger in the eye and he fell down on the carpet over there. No, I don’t think we have to alert the authorities.
No, I don’t think we have to even leave the house. He’s dead, I told you that. No, I didn’t really give him a THOROUGH check or anything. I gave him a good once over though, I swear. Yes, Janie, I know he’s come back before, god, you’re such a bitch. I told you, he’s dead. Hey look, an old abandoned boat house on the docks. Let’s go fuck in it!”
Cue fucking, cue Michael Myers sitting up in the background and creepily turning his head over to the survivors, cue the two teens having their faces pushed into a running blender.
It’s a tale as old as time, and it’s perfectly in line with what’s happening with the Eagles season. Same old scenario, some old movie, right? Huge victory over a hated foe? Check. Everyone feeling great? Check. Nothing can stop us? Check. Still more than half the season left? FUCK ME, CHECK.
“Well that’s it, we’re 5-1. Nothing can stop us now. Nope, we’re the best team in the NFC, probably the best team in the NFL. Yep. Everyone says so. Hey, let’s go back to the Novacare Complex and fuck.”
It’s going to happen. You know a completely revived Matt Ryan is going to waltz into the Linc come playoff time with an axe and lop off the heads of a few ancillary characters nobody cares about. It happens in every movie. And it happens in every Eagles season.
But this team….this year….this part of the movie franchise seems different. Why? Because of Wentz.
He’s not running into a dark, desolate cabin out in the middle of the woods and locking himself behind the door of a flimsy closet, hoping Matt Ryan will have an off day and the Eagles will be able to sneak away in the dead of night while the killer remains at large.
No. Wentz is bursting out of that closet with a hastily sharpened pole, and he’s ramming it into the black heart of our nightmares. He’s not running away into the dark woods in an unrealistic bra and panties set and tripping over every branch in the forsest (like SO many Eagles quarterbacks before him), he’s setting that masked killer on fire and making sure that he watches him burn down to nothing before calling it a day.
Wentz is your “final girl,” Philadelphia. We finally have one.
We thought McNabb would fill that role back in 2004, but in a shocking, M. Night Shyamalan twist, the hero was killed at the end of that movie.
Hopefully Wentz will be around for at least a few sequels.