Miami Dolphins

The Eagles are multi-faceted in their ineptitude

A popular Twitter argument raged on yesterday, and likely will continue to rage on for years after all of us are dead and buried. Is the franchise quarterback Carson Wentz shouldering enough of the blame for yet another Eagles loss? Sure he played a nice game, but when it mattered in the end the team came up short.

Fifty years from now we’ll be hunched over our iPhones, spines crooked with age, shrunken shoulders in our Dawkins jerseys hate-tweeting each other over the perceived or non-perceived slights of Wentz.

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New Miami GM won’t let Byron Maxwell off ‘so easy’

082415_byron-maxwell_600 Miami, FLA – The tortured screams of corner back Byron Maxwell, 28, rang through the Miami Dolphins training center this morning during his required physical to finalize a trade between the Dolphins and Philadelphia Eagles.

Miami Head Athletic trainer Ryan Grove notified the team’s new GM that Maxwell may not be healthy enough to warrant acquiring, as the young athlete could not lift his right arm as high as his shoulder during the physical examination.

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BREAKING: DeMarco Murray traded for two players

082215_demarco-murray-600 Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman is at it again, as the man apparently in charge of making personnel moves for the Philadelphia Eagles has announced that running back DeMarco Murray will be traded to the Miami Dolphins, not the Tennessee Titans as was once reported, in a move that will net the Eagles two top-tier defensive players.

When the trade is finalized by the league on Wednesday, the Eagles will officially acquire shut down cornerback Byron Maxwell and stud linebacker Kiko Alonso in the blockbuster deal.

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Sanchez inspires teammates with post-game players only talk, loses them all at last minute

Philadelphia, PA – Reports coming out of Lincoln Financial Field yesterday are saying Mark Sanchez held an inspiring players-only meeting after the Eagles 20-19 loss to the Miami Dolphins, rallying his teammates around him and inspiring faith in everyone who heard his speech, only to lose every single one of them before he could close out the meeting.

Reporters could only hear snippets of the discussion behind the closed locker room doors, but Sanchez’s voice could clearly be heard telling his teammates that “they needed to stay together now more than ever,” and “above all else, we are a family. We win, lose and die together as a family, and there’s nobody else in this world I would rather be with right now than you guys.”

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‘This is what you take seriously?’ wives say in unision throughout Delaware Valley

Philadelphia, PA – Thousands of wives throughout the Delaware Valley shook their heads in disbelief around 5 p.m. Sunday night as their husbands were still depressed an hour after the Eagles lost a heartbreaking game to the Miami Dolphins.

“Oh come on, it’s not that big of a deal. It’s just a game, are you really depressed about this?” the wives said, chuckling to themselves as they got up from the couches to leave their infuriated husbands alone to continue watching television. “You don’t see me getting upset about this stuff.”

Husbands everywhere struggled to contain their emotions, showing more anger and depression than they had in months over anything else.

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Interview with stand-up comedian Jim Florentine

Stand-up comedian Jim Florentine, most likely making a dick joke.

Stand-up comedian Jim Florentine may have one of the most distinct voices on stage, on radio, in the Podcast world and on television. If you don’t recognize his face, odds are you’ve probably heard his gravelly voice on the Opie and Jim Norton show (formerly Opie and Anthony), the Howard Stern Radio and TV show, or co-hosting VH1 Classic’s That Metal Show alongside Eddie Trunk and Don Jamieson.

Florentine also voiced and created the most well known character on Comedy Central’s Crank Yankers, “Special Ed” for four seasons.

His Podcast, “Comedy, Metal, Midgets,” was launched in 2011 and is consistently in the top-20 comedy podcasts downloaded on iTunes. You can also find it on Riotcast at www.riotcast.com/jimflorentine.

Florentine will be appearing at the Valley Forge Casino with Dave Attell and the Comedy Underground on Friday, Feb. 6, 8 p.m. The first show has been sold out, but a second show has been added and you can buy tickets here.

Florentine with his Crank Yankers character, “Special Ed.”

Florentine took some time to listen to our nonsense at The Coggin Toboggan and to plug his upcoming show. Go see the upcoming dates for Florentine’s gigs at his website, www.jimflorentine.com.

The CT : Based on your podcast and your appearances on the Opie and Jim Norton show, it’s obvious you’re a big sports fan, but why the love for the Miami Dolphins? Around Philly there are surprisingly quite a few Dallas Cowboys fans who saw them play on TV a ton in the 1970s when they were growing up, and because the Eagles were so terrible, they threw their fandom behind a successful franchise and had rocks thrown at them as a result. Was it something like that?

Jim Florentine: I picked the Dolphins as a little kid and always stuck with them through the years. Thank God I didn’t become a Jet fan. I have enough misery in my life.

The CT : I take it your favorite sport is football, but is there anything about the NFL that drives you insane? Personally, I want to kick my foot through the TV every time Hilary Swank shows up fake crying about domestic violence.

Jim Florentine: So much annoys me about the NFL. Super Bowl halftime choices, penalties on every play, and shitty Thursday night games come to mind.

The CT : This site was created in honor of an irrelevant Philadelphia Phillies pitcher that appeared in like 23 games for the Phillies in the early 2000s, David Coggin. He’s a pointless athlete, but for some reason he’s been stuck in my head ever since. He was terrible. Are there any irrelevant athletes that you grew up watching that you still find yourself thinking about every now again? That you were a fan of despite of their ineptitude?

Jim Florentine: The guy that comes to mind is not an athlete but a coach Dave Wannstedt. He was with the Dolphins for 4 years and was horrific. The only thing worse than his coaching was his mustache.

The CT : Any sports memories that still make you cringe when you think about them? I still think about Joe Carter hitting the home run in game 6 of the 1993 World Series to beat the Phillies. I was 11. I cried. I was, and still remain, a huge pussy.

Jim Florentine: I’m a San Francisco Giant fan and the 2002 World Series when they were 9 outs away in game 6 up by 5 runs killed me. Of course they lost game 7 too because Dusty Baker can’t manage a big game.

The CT : Ever been to Veterans Stadium when it was still around? If so, how many batteries were thrown at you?

Jim Florentine: When I was 14 I went to a Phillies Giants game at the Vet. I was in left field for batting practice and Pete Rose hit a home run. I went to catch it with my bare hands right at the railing just over the fence and my hand smacked up against it. I had to get 6 stitches in my hand and couldn’t start in my little league all-star game the next day. And to top it off, I dropped the ball and it landed on the field.

The CT : You talked a lot about your hatred of fantasy football in an episode of your Podcast, “Comedy, Metal, Midgets.” How much backlash do you get from fantasy fans who feel the need to defend the game to you?

Jim Florentine: I don’t get any backlash from people who play fantasy football because I don’t hang out with nerds.

The CT : You’ll be performing at the Valley Forge Casino in King of Prussia on Friday, Feb. 6, as part of the Comedy Underground Live. You’ve played in Philadelphia and in the area a lot beforehand, so you know what this city is like. The national media loves to portray our sports fans as pieces of shit. As an outsider looking in, we are kind of pieces of shit, aren’t we?

Jim Florentine: I love Philly sports fans. They are angry and miserable just like me.

The CT : Last question, who’s the dirtier comedian. The late great Otto from Otto and George, or Jim Norton? Both are in the Hall of Fame in terms of filth, but I’m afraid we do need an official ruling.

Jim Florentine: The late great Otto.