Philadelphia, PA – Reports coming out of Lincoln Financial Field yesterday are saying Mark Sanchez held an inspiring players-only meeting after the Eagles 20-19 loss to the Miami Dolphins, rallying his teammates around him and inspiring faith in everyone who heard his speech, only to lose every single one of them before he could close out the meeting.
Reporters could only hear snippets of the discussion behind the closed locker room doors, but Sanchez’s voice could clearly be heard telling his teammates that “they needed to stay together now more than ever,” and “above all else, we are a family. We win, lose and die together as a family, and there’s nobody else in this world I would rather be with right now than you guys.”
Nary a player spoke during Sanchez’s energetic speech and the entire locker room erupted in massive cheers at the perceived conclusion of the backup quarterback’s inspirations message.
But the tide quickly turned against Sanchez, who was perhaps bolstered by the cheers, when he decided to continue and added one more message to his speech.
“We need to stick together, and we need to understand that there was NO WAY the attacks of 9/11 could have been undertaken by Al-Qaeda. No way. I think we all know this was an undercover job by the American government who was just itching to get into Iraq and bolster our oil reserves. It’s been proven steel does not melt at the temperature at which airplane fuel burns, so there’s no way those towers would have collapsed!”
His message was met with absolute silence, the cheers gone, but he continued.
“Lets get to the bottom of this self-inflicted national tragedy the same way we’re going to figure out how to turn this season around. WHO’S WITH ME?! ON THREE…ONE TWO THREE!” Sanchez said.
Stunned teammates walked out of the Eagles locker room while Mark Sanchez tried to pass out truther flyers and urged everyone to “check out Loose Change on YouTube.”
“Fucking Mark. He had it….and then absolutely blew it. I think I’m too depressed to play next week,” an ashen faced Malcolm Jenkins said.
At press time, Sanchez vowed to learn from his mistakes the “same way the U.S. government learned from its mistakes of organizing the assassination of JFK.”