The hunter has become the hunted.

Look who has come crawling to the Coggin on their hands and knees, practically BEGGING for an infusion of talent for their dying station. Our tipsters forwarded this job opening to us this morning….you think you could keep something as huge as this quiet without us knowing, Fanatic? We see all…we are all.

Job opening: 97.5 the Fanatic On-Air Midday Host.

I weep for those who plan to send in an application. The job is mine. Case closed. Can you imagine The Coggin infiltrating the 97.5 Fanatic offices? Mike Missanelli will be cowering under my boot heels within the hour.

I would hold the very position Rob Ellis once held….OH SWEET IRONY. One host a spineless, jellyfish of a man and the other a human dynamo with overflowing charisma and fabulous hair…fathers lock up your daughters, no pair of panties will go unsoaked as I strut to the studios every afternoon (I apologize profusely to any woman who had to read that last sentence).

Much like the leaflets dropped on Dresden prior to its firebombing (timely reference) I’m giving everyone at 97.5 the Fanatic fair warning that I will be applying for the position and I will be hired. Don’t like it? TAKE IT UP WITH MANAGEMENT. I’ll rule the station with an iron fist, but I will be a benevolent ruler. Anyone ever hear of a little something called Wacky Hat Wednesday?

Let’s go through the job requirements one by one after the jump.

Description:

97.5 The Fanatic is looking for an on-air midday host. This person should have on-air sports talk and hosting experience in a medium to large market.

Check and check plus. I live in a fairly large, South Jersey neighborhood. Most, if not all, of my neighbors love to hear my drunken ruminations on the state of sports in Philadelphia as I scream them from my living room at 3 a.m. HIGHLY QUALIFIED to yell them into a microphone for five hours a day. Give me a bottle of varnish and watch me TAKE OFF.

Ideal candidate needs to be opinionated, organized, have a great attitude and extensive knowledge of Philadelphia sports

Here’s an opinion, FUCK YOU. I already told you I’m the perfect candidate for the job, are you just going to sit there with a thumb up your ass like a baby, or are you going to do something about it, tough guy?

My attitude is none of your god damn business and I don’t see how this applies to sports talk radio.

Extensive knowledge of Philadelphia sports? Does an encyclopedic knowledge of the Philadelphia Kixx count for anything?

Please send demo and resume to APD Jason Myrtetus at: Jason.Myrtetus@bbgi.com.

Ok, this may be a problem. I may or may not have called Jason Myrtetus a bald fuck on several occasions on Twitter and mocked him for his “Dwayne from Swedesboro” scandal. But come on, it was all in good fun! He knows when I called him a “bald fuck” that it was from a good place, right? RIGHT?!

Fuck that bald fuck, I’ll go over his chrome dome anyways and I’ll HAVE HIS HEAD ON A PLATTER.

My resume hasn’t been updated since 2005 and the only demo I have is a cassette tape from 1991 of me singing “Do the Bartman” and Weird Al Yankovic’s “Eat it” in my living room. Shouldn’t be a problem, right?

This is going great so far, I think!

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE.

::Hangs up phone after breathing heavily into it for several minutes as a scared Fanatic receptionist begs me to stop calling::

My bad.

There you have it! I’m extraordinarily qualified, probably TOO qualified for the position if you ask me, but I’ll slum it for a few years at that pathetic station as I strip away all its value and leave for greener pastures.

Should be a fun time, can’t wait to work with everyone!