This week Stephen King’s horrifying “It” opens in theaters on Friday and the Philadelphia Eagles open their 2017 season this Sunday against the Washington Redskins.
One is a terrifying franchise that has haunted the dreams of its fervent fanbase for decades, and the other is movie about a nightmarish clown.
Now, to the untrained eye, neither of these two things have much in common. But, for the desperate blogger who has already run out of ideas, MAYBE THEY DO?!
If you’re unfamiliar with the novel, an evil spirit appears to children as Pennywise the Clown, who lures them to their doom in a sewer or transforms into their worst nightmare to murder them. So, if you’re scared of werewolves, he’ll appear as a werewolf. If you’re scared of draculas, he’ll appear as a dracula.
What if Pennywise the Clown was real and decided to terrorize the Eagles, what would he appear as? What do the Eagles fear most?
Maybe we should take a look.
The hunter has become the hunted.
Look who has come crawling to the Coggin on their hands and knees, practically BEGGING for an infusion of talent for their dying station. Our tipsters forwarded this job opening to us this morning….you think you could keep something as huge as this quiet without us knowing, Fanatic? We see all…we are all.
Job opening: 97.5 the Fanatic On-Air Midday Host.
I weep for those who plan to send in an application. The job is mine. Case closed. Can you imagine The Coggin infiltrating the 97.5 Fanatic offices? Mike Missanelli will be cowering under my boot heels within the hour.
I would hold the very position Rob Ellis once held….OH SWEET IRONY. One host a spineless, jellyfish of a man and the other a human dynamo with overflowing charisma and fabulous hair…fathers lock up your daughters, no pair of panties will go unsoaked as I strut to the studios every afternoon (I apologize profusely to any woman who had to read that last sentence).
Much like the leaflets dropped on Dresden prior to its firebombing (timely reference) I’m giving everyone at 97.5 the Fanatic fair warning that I will be applying for the position and I will be hired. Don’t like it? TAKE IT UP WITH MANAGEMENT. I’ll rule the station with an iron fist, but I will be a benevolent ruler. Anyone ever hear of a little something called Wacky Hat Wednesday?
Let’s go through the job requirements one by one after the jump.
An ice shelf the size of Delaware broke itself off from Antarctica yesterday, scientists at the Swansea University-led Midas project confirmed, releasing a gigantic iceberg twice the size of Luxembourg into the surround waters.
Theories of the ice shelf’s disintegration over the past decades have been discussed leading global representatives, but the Swansea University Midas project scientists confirmed this morning that the shelf purposefully broke itself off the frigid continent after overhearing an asinine sports talk segment from the local Philadelphia 97.5 the Fanatic sports talk station.
The environmental disaster has been placed firmly at the feet of 97.5 the Fanatic, its midday host Mike Missanelli, and it’s poor choice of show programming.
The beast of hell walks among us in the clothes of a common man. If the demon should reveal its true face to you at a time when you have turned away from Christ, then you will be without protection, & it will gleefully devour your heart & rend you limb from limb & carry your immortal soul into the yawning pit.
I have foreseen how I will die. I have had a vision of my undoing. An overweight, out of touch jowly man and his sniveling, bland, milquetoast toadie disembowel me while opining about the shortcomings of the millennial generation.
So it shall be, so it shall pass.
Philadelphia is a great city, but it can always be a little better with our help!
SIGN OUR PETITION TO HAVE MIKE MISSANELLI STUFFED IN A BURLAP SACK AND DUMPED OUTSIDE OF THE CITY LIMITS RIGHT HERE!
If you missed it last week, 97.5 The Fanatic created a petition to keep the NFL draft in Philadelphia for 2018. The petition gained thousands of signatures from eager Philadelphians who wanted to keep the great event in the City of Brotherly Love for another year.
Even cynics like us, who have spent their fair share of time criticizing the station and its radio hosts, signed the petition. Why did we sign it? Well, when we see something that is good for the city, something that will benefit all of Philadelphia, we have to support it.
See? Here’s proof that we signed the 97.5 Fanatic petition to keep the draft in Philadelphia.
But we figured that as good as Philadelphia is, as great as this city has been to us, it can always be a little better thanks to people who care. So we came up with an idea that we think will really make this city a better place to live, work, and raise a family!
The Podcast King of Philadelphia cannot be stopped.
Mike Missanelli, sports talk radio host turned podcaster extraordinaire, shattered the iTunes download record today with his release of the second episode of “The Mike Missanelli Show,” just one day after climbing to the top of the United States charts.
The release of the second episode was a surprise to fans, as it was just a day after Missanelli suffered a debilitating heart attack at the start of his debut episode.
Always the showman, Missanelli didn’t disappoint, as he opened the episode from the Intensive Care Unit of Jefferson Hospital, carefully slurring out an introduction to the show.
Itunes has a new podcast king, and his name is Mike Missanelli.
The popular midday 97.5 FM sports talk host has entered the sports podcast game in a big way. Just days after decrying sports blogs, specifically Kyle Scott of Crossing Broad and his Crossing Broadcast, Missanelli fought fire with fire and released his debut podcast, “The Mike Missanelli Show,” which quickly shot up the iTunes charts.
As of this morning, “The Mike Missanelli Show” was the #1 sports podcast in the entire country and #8 overall with millions of downloads in just a few hours.