The beast of hell walks among us in the clothes of a common man. If the demon should reveal its true face to you at a time when you have turned away from Christ, then you will be without protection, & it will gleefully devour your heart & rend you limb from limb & carry your immortal soul into the yawning pit.
I have foreseen how I will die. I have had a vision of my undoing. An overweight, out of touch jowly man and his sniveling, bland, milquetoast toadie disembowel me while opining about the shortcomings of the millennial generation.
So it shall be, so it shall pass.
To anyone driving on I-295 south around 1 p.m. this afternoon, I apologize. If a black Toyota Scion careened into your lane with little to no regard for safety, it was me. I was attempting to crash into an abutment in a futile attempt to silence the diarrhea spewing forth from my radio.
Two old, out of touch nobodies on the 97.5 Midday show spent nearly 20 minutes fervently agreeing with each other about how millennials in Philadelphia are – wait for it – responsible for the recent lack of success for sports franchises in this town.
You see, its Mike and Rob’s opinion that millennials are “too soft” and therefore “don’t demand enough” from the franchises in this town. Millennials have “too many distractions” and therefore don’t care when their teams don’t do well, unlike the generations of yore who lived and died by their teams.
Color me shocked these two senior citizens didn’t somehow work avocado toast into the conversation.
I blame my iPhone for all of this, by the way. The foul device decided to not connect with Spotify for my commute from lunch, so my curiosity got the better of me. I cursed my feeble millennial mind for giving into curiosity as blood poured forth from my eyeball and ears. Maybe I am too soft, maybe I am to blame after all.
Yes, it’s the millennials fault that “three out of the four teams in this city are depending on The Process” to improve themselves (please explain to me how The Process applies to any other team than the 76ers right now…) and that teams like the Pittsburgh Penguins know how to run their franchise the right way.
Never mind the fact that the Penguins have been carried for over a decade by Sidney Crosby, perhaps the greatest hockey athlete of all time, and bonafide superstar Evgeni Malkin, both of whom they were able to draft by being the worst or second to worst team in the NHL for two consecutive season. Nope. Their hardened fans demand EXCELLENCE, unlike the weak millennials in this city, and they willed the team to draft both of those franchise transforming athletes.
It’s the millennials fault. It’s all our fault, it always is. Who knew we were to blame for the decline in fast food restaurant popularity, the rising avocado prices, and the ineptitude of Philadelphia sports. WHO KNEW?
Before giving way to unconsciousness, a bible quote forced its way into my skull:
I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth.
Mike Missanelli is death, Rob Ellis is Hades. Make peace with whatever god you worship, because the end is nigh.
I looked, and there before me was a pale horse, its rider death, complaining about millennials on an outdated sports radio station, and Hades was following close behind him, the lapdog of death, whose morning CSN Philly talk show didn’t last for one year.