Well folks, let’s face it. Our guest pickers weren’t going to go 16-0 on both their win/loss and spread predictions, but we’re still on track to go 16-0 against the spread this season DESPITE Abbot and Costello not being bullish two weeks ago about the Eagles chances against Pittsburgh.
The Eagles really showed them up and proved they were a team to be reckoned with in the NFL. I’m sure those deceased comedians are rolling over in their graves after picking against the mighty Birds. THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO TRY AND PICK NFL GAMES. GO BACK TO WRITING COMEDY BITS THAT STAND THE TEST OF TIME AND STILL DELIGHT FANS EVERYWHERE TO THIS DAY, YOU PIECES OF GARBAGE.
Leave the football picks to the professionals.
This week the Eagles (3-0) travel to lovely Detroit, the crown jewel of Michigan, to take on the Lions (1-3).
Here’s our record so far:
Win/Loss prediction record: 2-1
Against the spread: 3-0
But who have we brought in to make the week 3 pick? Will they take the Eagles (-3) or the lowly Lions? We decided to bring in the host of a modestly popular television show in Detroit to see if he can steer our readers in the right direction. But who are we talking about?
Tim Taylor: Hello and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Tool Time. My name is Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor and with me as always is Al “4th and 26” Borland. Al, how are you today?
Al Borland: Just fine Tim.
Tim: Special episode of Tool Time today. Before we get to our project of showing you how to make the Man’s Bedroom, we were asked to talk with our friends in Philadelphia, The Coggin Toboggan, about the upcoming Eagles-Lions game this Sunday. Hey Al, do you suppose they call it the Coggin Toboggan because they like to go sledding out there in the East Coast?
Al: I don’t think so Tim.
(Crowds BURSTS into uproarious laughter)
Tim: Well…the Eagles and the Lions have had a hell of a history when they get together. Remember a few years back, the Lions went into Philadelphia during a blizzard? Man…heck of a game…I remember looking at the field, seeing all that white stuff blowing around, mounds of a white, powdery substance….brought back some fond memories.
Al: Tim, we talked about this…thought you had it beat buddy.
Tim: FUCK (networks beeps it out) Borland, I’m just talking about snow. Mounds of snow…just waiting to be tucked up into your nostrils, dripping down the back of your throat…making you feel like more of a man than you’ve ever felt in your life. God…I miss those days. The dizzying highs, peddling, sniffing snow until all hours of the morning. Never knowing if the next deal would be your last…if you’d wake up in the morning in the bed of a 16-year-old Costa Rican hooker or in the drunk tank of a Kalamazoo police department. I just…I need to make a call.
Al: Tim, I hope you’re calling your sponsor…
Tim: YOU’RE THE FUCKING (network edit) SIDEKICK, I’M THE HOST OF THIS GODDAMN SHOW, I’LL KILL YOU, I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU DIMWITTED TOOL LOVING MOUTH BREATHERS.
(Taylor grabs a ball-peen hammer and starts swinging it wildly at the crowd)
Tim: I’M GOING TO START WITH THIS FAT BASTARD IN THE FRONT ROW, COME HERE FATTY.
(Network cuts off the feed)
(Network returns and Tim is in handcuffs, being led off the stage by two of Detroit’s finest)
Tim: Well that’s all the time we had on this episode of Tool Time. We never did get to that Man’s Bedroom, did we Al?
Al: I don’t think so Tim.
(Crowd cracks up)
Tim: But before I go, I just don’t think the Lions have it in them to beat the undefeated Eagles after they had two weeks to prepare. Jim Schwartz should have them ready to go. Eagles win, 31 to 17. THESE CUFFS ARE TOO TIGHT!
(Breaks free from the police officers, grabs another ball-peen hammer, and starts swinging wildly as the camera pans to the floor and the audience is seen trying to escape through one of the fire exits as the officers vainly try to subdue the crazed Tool Man)
PREDICTION: Eagles 31, Lions 17.