Philadelphia, PA – Afternoon sports talk host Mike Missanelli is clinging to life at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital today after being admitted for a “massive event,” which doctors are theorizing came as a result from watching Chase Utley receive not one, but two curtain calls in his return to Philadelphia.
Lead cardiac surgeon Ronald JcMickon told Coggin reporters that Missanelli was stable, but it was “touch and go” for many hours after he was transported to the hospital.
Sources confirmed Missanelli was clutching a Sopranos season three box set on his hands when he arrived at Jefferson Hospital and was attempting to pray to it like an old Jesuit woman clutching a Rosary.
“From what we gather, Mr. Missanelli had a major reaction to tonight’s Phillies game. He seemed to take great disdain in Philadelphia fans experiencing a moment of joy for a returning Chase Utley and deemed it inappropriate that he received several curtain calls throughout the game. He’s currently in a coma and we’re not sure if he’ll ever walk again,” JcMickon said.
“He seemed to really be in pain after watching so many others experience such a joyful moment. I don’t get it, personally. How could you not enjoy that moment? Utley gave this city so many great moments of the years….it’s only right and appropriate to praise him on his return. I guess Mr. Missanelli just didn’t see it that way.”
A hospital employee provided the Coggin with a copy of the security tape from last night at 11:35 p.m. The following is a transcript of his interaction with the admitting doctor. Warning….it is disturbing:
Doctor: Mr. Missanelli? Mr. Missanelli, my name is Dr. James…you’re in Jefferson University Hospital, can you tell me what’s wrong?
Missanelli: (incoherent mumbling) Gabagool….Utley….so many….curtain calls….why….my mother’s sauce…that’s…..that’s a violation bro.
Doctor: Mike? Stay with me Mike.
Missanelli: He wasn’t…even….a nice guy. TWO? Two curtain calls? Charlie Manuel was…a….fraud. Cuz….cuz are you there?
Doctor: Mike, what are you talking about? Do you remember anything about tonight? Is your cousin here?
Missanelli: Jabroni…not even the best Phillies second baseman ever….Tony…..Tony Soprano why have you forsaken me? General knowledge Wednesday….Sal….Sal Pal is that you?
Doctor: Who? What is he talking about?
Missanelli: (pulls doctor closer to his face) The….The Godfather…..best movie ever….I need….I need to….
Doctor: You need to what, Mike? Stay with me buddy.
Missanelli: I need to….open the vault (passes out).
Disturbing stuff. The Coggin Toboggan will keep you updated on his status throughout the day.