As if Syracuse isn’t a depressing enough place to live in already, Philadelphia’s muskiest sports journalist Marcus Hayes is taking his talents to upstate New York to teach young, impressionable sports journalists the fine art of accusing beloved, local sports figures of racism with no concrete evidence or first-hand anecdotes.

May god have mercy on your souls.

I know what you’re thinking if you’re a journalism student at Syracuse. SURE, it seems like a great idea to attend the symposium of an alum who has “made it” in the world of sports journalism, but what’s the catch?

Oh yeah, he’s an untalented hack and will teach you absolutely nothing.

Take cover, Syracuse, the sweat hog is coming to town. Hide the women and children, batten down the hatches, because by the time Marcus leaves your lovely city the only thing that will remain is a torrent of horrendous, one-sentence paragraph “columns” and the lingering stench of BO and cheese.

The advertisement claims you can “learn a lot from the man who calls himself ‘inkstained wretch.'” First off, Marcus 100% gave himself that nickname. Nobody calls him that in this city, guaranteed. If his nickname was “Jowly McGee” I would believe it.

But what can we learn from Marcus Hayes, exactly? Luckily, we were able to get our hands on his agenda for the day, so make the decision for yourself on whether or not you should attend.

8:30 to 10:30 a.m. Welcome Ceremony and introduction: Marcus spends fives minutes welcoming all those who came out and the next hour and 55 minutes blocking angry readers on Twitter.

10:30 a.m. to Noon. Racism 101: Want to spice up an otherwise pointless article that nobody cares about or will ever read? Marcus gives you hints and tips on how to properly accuse an otherwise beloved sports figure in your city and his fans of racism just because they’re white! Marcus will read selected passages of clips of his coverage of Chase Utley and Ryan Howard, of which Hayes wrote on numerous occasions that Utley was only more popular than Howard due to his skin color. Marcus will show you the fine art of giving no corroborating evidence for your claims and will then show you the best way to block even more of your readers on social media.

Noon to 4 p.m. Lunch: Lunch will be provided, but guests are advised to let Marcus have “first crack” at the catered meal. Approach Mr. Hayes at your own risk during this period of the symposium. WARNING, THOSE SITTING IN THE FIRST THREE ROWS WILL GET WET. 

4 p.m.to 5:30 p.m. Nap time: Please sit quietly as Mr. Hayes dozes for an hour and a half.

5:30 p.m. to ??? Escape from Syracuse: After spending all day with Mr. Hayes and realizing he’s been of no value to anyone, his symposium will end as they always do…fleeing out of town as angry villagers and cheated students chase the wheezing, sweaty mess from Syracuse proper. Torches, pitchforks will be provided for those who paid good money to see listen to an unpopular, over-the-hill sports journalist bloviate about his craft for 8-hours plus.