Ruben Amaro Jr.

Aaron Nola dazzles fans with 6 strong innings, immediately demoted to AAA after game

Dead man walking (Photo credit: Emily Paine / The Morning Call)

Dead man walking (Photo credit: Emily Paine / The Morning Call)

Philadelphia, PA – Giving Philadelphia fans something to be excited about for the first time since 2011, Aaron Nola made his major league debut Tuesday night against the Tampa Bay Rays, pitching six-strong innings and only allowing one run.

Nola exited the game with the Phillies losing 0-1, but he had certainly done his job, only allowing one earned run on five hits.

Ruben Amaro congratulated Nola on his debut, sitting next to the beaming rookie in a post game press conference.

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Phillies release Cole Hamels into the wild

He's free now, free and happy.

He’s free now, free and happy.

Philadelphia, PA – Unable to finally make a trade to send Phillies ace Cole Hamels to another team, Ruben Amaro made the heartbreaking decision to release the veteran pitcher into the wild and allow him to be free and happy.

Amaro drove Hamels to Fairmount Park after his second straight poor start on Sunday afternoon and opened the door to his Toyota Tercel, telling Hamels to leave and never come back.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. dominates this year’s “Shitties” ceremony

rubenSouth Los Angeles, Calif. – Perhaps validating one of the most troubled years of his career as a front office representative for the Philadelphia Phillies, Ruben Amaro Jr. won six “Shittie” awards, a competing sports award show held on the same evening as the ESPN “Espy” awards.

The ceremony took place at a YMCA in South Los Angeles from 3 to 5 p.m. yesterday, with some of the most well known names in sports in attendance. Hosted by Bill Cosby, sports dignitaries such as Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson and Tiger Woods all received “Shitties” for their accomplishments this past year.

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BREAKING NEWS: Chase Utley responds to Ruben Amaro Jr.’s comments

PHI+chase+utley+042611One day after Ruben Amaro Jr. declared Chase Utley was no longer the starting second baseman for the Phillies going forward, our Coggin Toboggan reporters picked up snippets of a private conversation held between the two men. Utley and Amaro discussed the second baseman’s future and exchanged thoughts on where the organization would go with him in the future.

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Ryne Sandberg finds employment as a Philadelphia waste management employee

The newest member of the Philadelphia waste management division.

The newest member of the Philadelphia waste management division.

Philadelphia, PA – After resigning in stunning fashion last Friday, baseball hall of famer Ryne Sandberg reportedly was hired by the city as a seasonal waste management employee.

He began his route this morning as part of a three man garbage crew with a 35 block radius in South Philadelphia. The ex-manager’s duties include hoisting garbage cans up to his shoulder and disposing of the detritus into the back of the garbage trucks in a timely and efficient manner.

After one day on the job, Sandberg described it as “the most fulfilling and enjoyable job I’ve had in the past two years.”

“It’s amazing how great this job can be. I’ve forgotten how nice it is to wake up in the morning and not dread going to work,” Sandberg said in mid trash can dump, garbage juice trickling down from the can onto his bare neck.

Sandberg said it’s been a “joy” to sift through thrown away baby diapers to reach the recyclables a careless Philadelphia citizen had mixed in with his or her smelly garbage.

“The other day I found a really sweet radio that wasn’t even broken. My boss, Hank (Machinelli) let me keep it. More than Amaro gave me in two years, cheap bastard,” Sandberg said, fecal matter smeared over his face and jumpsuit.

As of press time, Sandberg has reportedly signed a three-year deal with the city of Philadelphia, leading 95% of the remainign Phillies employees to experience pangs of jealousy.

Ahhhh nuts, on to winter I guess

Please sign him, Ruben.

Please sign him, Ruben.

No Dario Saric next year, Joel Embiid’s foot fell off last week (or so I’ve heard) and the Lakers may draft D’Angelo Russell, ruining literally MINUTES of work I put in on Twitter to interview the kid.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Philadelphia sports scene moving into the depths of summer. Did you know yesterday was the official first day of summer? I bet you didn’t, but it’s all downhill from here folks until we find ourselves in another dank, dark, depressing Northeast winter.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wonders if he can get in on this D’Angelo Russell action

Ohio State Buckeyes guard D'Angelo Russell (0) drives to the basket in the first half of the college basketball game between the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Maryland Terrapins at Value City Arena in Columbus, Thursday evening, January 29, 2015. As of half time the Ohio State Buckeyes led the Maryland Terrapins 34 - 26. (The Columbus Dispatch / Eamon Queeney)

Philadelphia, PA – Impressed by the workouts and positive attitude of Ohio State point guard D’Angelo Russell, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wondered if the Phillies could get in on some of this “sweet, sweet D’Angelo Russell action.”

“If the 76ers draft D’Angelo, could he come to a few of our games? Maybe shag some fly balls? He seems legitimately excited to potentially be playing for Philadelphia and we desperately need some positivity on this team. He seems like a bright young man, and someone who wouldn’t openly yell at Bob (McClure, Phillies pitching coach) about his inability to use the bullpen phone correctly.”

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I only know two things in this world: Garbage is delicious and Ruben Amaro Jr. is the worst

Snickers the possum.

Snickers the possum.

Hey! Yes, it’s me, Snickers the possum. Ridiculous name for a possum, I know, but my mother was a touch rabid when I was born and she started to name us after pieces of trash she found on the ground in a virus laden haze. I don’t know for certain why she named me this, but if there is one thing I do know for certain, it is that Ruben Amaro Jr. is the worst general manager the Phillies have ever seen.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. fulfills lifelong dream of appearing on Price is Right, overbids on every item

the-price-is-right-instagram-contest-tracking-trendz1Philadelphia, PA – Ruben Amaro Jr. got to live out one of his dreams on Wednesday, as the Philadelphia Phillies general manager went to a recording of the popular and long-running CBS game show “The Price is Right” and was chosen as one of the first individuals to appear on famed Contestant’s Row.

Amaro’s appearance on the show quickly became a laughingstock and viral video sensation as he overbid on every single item presented to contestants by host Drew Carey.

Things didn’t start out well for Amaro, as contestants were presented with a can of Del Monte wax beans and asked to guess the retail price without going over.

“Del Monte? Our scouts love Del Monte, they’re high on Del Monte, I know that,” Amaro Jr. said, as Carey asked him to initiate the bidding. “Drew, I’ll bid $600. That’s a quality bean and will serve us well in the future. The fans behind me may not like Del Monte wax beans or my bid, but they just don’t know this game. I know the Price is Right.  All they do is bitch and complain, so what do they know?”

The retail price for the beans was $2.59. Members of the audience roundly booed a confused Amaro Jr. for his comments.

“You misunderstood, I just said a portion of you were ignorant pigs, not all of you!” Amaro pleaded, before a large root beer was poured down the back of his shirt.

And so it went. In the second round of bids, Ruben Amaro Jr. unsuccessfully bid $10,500 for an iPad Mini and then $980 in the third round for a collection of four Kohl’s brand Izod collared shirts.

“I don’t understand it,” a flabbergasted Amaro said. “How am I so bad at this?”

Breaking from show procedure, Amaro Jr. realized he would not be successful as a contestant and decided to trade away his position on contestant row to a lucky member of the audience. Despite repeated warnings from Carey that it was not a good idea to trade away his future as a contestant, Amaro Jr. decided to listen to his gut and press forward.

After no contestant jumped at his initial asking price of $10 million, Amaro Jr. found himself watching the rest of the show from the audience after he completed a successful trade with Agnes Klornfield of Tulsa, for a half-full tin of Altoids and an old lifesaver she found wadded up in a napkin in her purse for his spot.

“No regrets. Sure this lifesaver is old and has crud on it, but I’m very excited about the Altoids. I think they’re really going to do my breath some good in the future if they can ever be brought up to my mouth from their container,” Amaro Jr said.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. had spilled the tin of Altoids over the studio floor.

Ruben Amaro frantically trying to reach Sepp Blatter

Newest member of the Phillies front office.

Newest member of the Phillies front office.

Philadelphia, PA – Upon hearing embattled and corrupt FIFA President Sepp Blatter had resigned from his position, Ruben Amaro Jr. was seen sprinting to his office as he frantically looked up the international country code for Switzerland.

“This guy has got the goods and we need to reach him RIGHT NOW,” Amaro could be heard screaming at a frazzled assistant, who was trying to find a contact number for Blatter. “He has the knowledge and the experience to be a perfect front office member for our organization, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET ME THAT NUMBER.”

Representatives claimed it was the most energetic and passionate they have seen Amaro since he inked Chad Billingsley to a minor league contract earlier this year.

Amaro smashed his second generation Blackberry against his desk when his assistant could not reach Blatter by telephone.

“Get his email address, we need him in this organization and we NEED HIM NOW. I’ve never been more sure of something in my entire life. Fans will love this guy, offer him anything he wants, JUST DO IT NOW!” ruben

As of press time, Amaro had reached a confused Blatter and was trying to explain the rules of baseball to the 79-year-old corrupt president.

UPDATE: Amaro successfully inked Blatter to a lifetime deal, worth $5 million for every year Blatter serves in the front office. He then named Blatter as his successor as GM.