Clearwater, Fla – Showing a side of himself to the media few have seen, the quiet spoken Cole Hamels opened up about the upcoming season, his chances of staying with the Phillies, and the darkness residing in every man’s soul, born or dead.

Casting his eyes skyward, Hamels sighed deeply as he sat down on the pitchers mound at the Phillies spring training complex with a book of Nietzsche in his lap. He lectured the throng of reporters surrounding him in a pained voice, his once youthful and energetic face a scrunched mask of torment and anguish. It was almost as if he had looked into the abyss, seen it looking back at him, and realized the insignificance of his existence.

“What does anything really mean. What is winning in the grand scheme of life? I’ll make some more money if I leave, more than I could ever possibly spend, but where does that leave me at the end of my life? How am I any different from the pauper when we both perish? We both become dust, two more empty husks to wither away into the ether.”

For nearly three hours Hamels touched upon the afterlife, what it means to be a human being, the dual nature hiding within every man, woman, and child, and the lack of depth in the Phillies bullpen.

When asked by David Murphy on what Phillies fan should hope for in the upcoming season, Hamels looked up at the beat reporter and wept, openly and deeply.

“Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man,” he said, quoting the German philosopher.

Hamels then said he would approve a trade to either the Los Angeles Dodgers, San Diego Padres, or to the Pashupatinath Temple in Nepal to live out the rest of his meager existence in seclusion and deep reflection.