Ruben Amaro

Phillies announce firing of Ruben Amaro Jr., new direction for organization

072113-amaro-slideshow-apPhiladelphia, PA – In a stunning move this morning, acting Phillies President Pat Gillick announced that GM Ruben Amaro Jr. has been let go from his contract. He cited years of down play from the team, questionable free agent signings and one of the worst trade records from any general manager in all of professional baseball.

“We felt this is what was best for the Phillies. For Ruben to take them from where they were in 2009 after I left and to have them be here…my goodness, why were we keeping him on for this long,” Gillick said.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. wondering if his Super Bowl tickets purchased from Don Tollefson are still coming

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He looks like a trustworthy guy.

Philadelphia, PA – Speaking to reporters this afternoon, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly worried if Don Tollefson’s recent jail sentencing will in any way affect the delivery of his Super Bowl tickets.

Amaro Jr. revealed he purchased two VIP, full access tickets to Super Bowl 50 at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., next year. He purchased the tickets for $20,000 each from Tollefson’s charity foundation last month.

“I heard he was just sentenced to jail for 2 to 4 years. Wow, I hope this has nothing to do with his charity, I wonder what happened?” Amaro said. “I still haven’t gotten those tickets from Don yet, he said they would be delivered this past weekend, but I haven’t seen them yet.”

Tollefson, of course, was sentenced to prison for taking hundreds of thousands of dollars from area residents who purchased tickets or VIP meet and greets from the embattled sports broadcaster.

Tollefson did not deliver on the majority of the purchases and bilked thousands of dollars from sports fans in the name of his charity.

“I just wonder if my tickets are going to get here this weekend or the next. I paid an extra $10,000 per ticket for all access, which Don told me would get me into the lockers rooms and even the huddles on field during the big game. I had no idea that was even a possibility, I can’t wait for that game!” Amaro Jr. said.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. was still waiting by mailbox for the postman to arrive.

For 6th year in a row, Ruben Amaro Jr. has no takers for March Madness pool

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Poor Ruben.

Clearwater, Fla – Since being named GM in 2009, Ruben Amaro Jr. has attempted to host an NCAA March Madness pool with members of the Phillies and for six years in a row no athlete or employee has signed up to participate.

“I don’t understand it. Every year I send out an email to everyone and nobody ever gets back to me in time. Nobody sends me brackets. It’s only $10 to join,” Amaro said, as he glumly looked at his computer yesterday afternoon before the start of the first games.

Amaro, who for the record predicted SMU would win the championship and most likely would have lost in the first round, dejectedly had to throw his bracket away for another year.

“I got all this pizza and some sandwiches, I thought everyone could watch the first round together,” he said, as he sat alone in his office, nobody even in the Clearwater complex despite there being no practice or game scheduled for the day. “I really thought some of the new guys would sign up, you know, just to keep on my good side. Grady Sizemore seemed interested, but it just never happened.”

CT reporters caught up with Ryan Howard, who was at a local Buffalo Wild Wings with about 35 of his teammates, and asked the slugger why nobody decided to participate with Ruben.

“He’s an ok guy I guess, but he’s so god damn boring. The last thing anyone wants is to cultivate any personal relationship with him outside of the office….he gets a bit, well, clingy. Everyone remembers the Aaron Rowand incident.”

Howard of course was citing the famed 2006 incident where former center fielder Rowand spent a lengthy amount of time on the DL for breaking his face in a collision with an outfield wall. He made the mistake of going to a bar with Amaro one day after a victory, and the GM called and texted him with abandon for the rest of the season.

“Besides, Larry Andersen holds one every year and it’s great. Everyone wants to do his,” Howard said.

Andersen, who was watching the games with two high priced escorts on his lap, pounded his Miller Lite and agreed with Howard.

“Ruben is a square. Nobody wants to hang out with him when they could hang out with good ol’ LA. Isn’t that right ladies?” He said, doing a bump of cocaine off of a Bowie knife that he sheathed back into a leather holster. “Winner of my tourney gets a huge pot and a hooker on LA’s tab. Not a bad haul if you ask me.”

As of press time, Amaro was pouring several liters of Shasta down a drain in the men’s room.

Reports: Milwaukee Brewers interested in Jonathan Papelbon’s glove

Jonathan Papelbon with his glove currently involved in trade negotiations.

Jonathan Papelbon with the glove currently involved in trade negotiations.

Milwaukee, WIS – Reports began flooding the CT offices this morning, as trade discussions between the Milwaukee Brewers and Philadelphia Phillies are coming full steam. The Brewers are reportedly interested in acquiring Jonathan Papelbon’s glove, with several sources claiming the Brewers are willing to pay “upwards of $50” for the black Wilson A2K glove.

“We will not refute the rumors being published by the media. We are interested in acquiring Papelbon’s glove,” said Doug Melvin, GM of the Brewers. “I am currently negotiating for the rights to the glove with Ruben, and we hope we can reach an agreement soon. Spring Training is starting soon, and we really feel one more glove will put us over the top.”

In 2014, the Brewers were only in possession of 9 gloves, which had to be shared amongst the Milwaukee athletes as they were substituted into each game.

Carlos Gomez infamously refused to enter a late inning game last season, as he didn’t want to use the one left-handed glove on the team.

The glove would up the teams total to 10. The Brewers are still allegedly in the market for a catchers glove as well, as Jonathan Lucroy was forced to used an infielders glove behind the plate for the entire 2014 season.

Jon Heyman for CBS Sports reported earlier this morning that talks for the glove had stalled, when Amaro apparently balked at Melvin’s request that a case of sunflower seeds be included in the deal.

“The Phillies are asking for $50 and an authentic ‘Hank the Dog’ water bowl in exchange for the glove,” Heyman said. Hank the Dog is the unofficial mascot of the Brewers.hankindexthumb

UPDATE:

Ruben Amaro Jr. caved and agreed to trade the glove and the rights to Jonathan Papelbon for $10.

Ruben Amaro Jr. busted for looking into deflating baseballs

rubenPhiladelphia PA – A sheepish Ruben Amaro Jr. faced a contingency of sports media personnel this afternoon after a Phillies employee anonymously released a record of Amaro’s internet history to The Coggin Toboggan.

Amaro apparently accessed the “Ask Jeeves” search engine around 1 p.m. this afternoon and spent roughly three hours searching variations of “deflated baseballs,” “how to deflate baseballs,” and “advantages to deflating baseballs.”

“I truly apologize for my behavior today. I’m a dedicated leader of this baseball organization, and I guess I just got caught up in trying to give us any possible advantage to help us win some ballgames,” Amaro Jr. said. “I saw the New England Patriots were charged with deflating balls this weekend and the advantage it posed for them, so I wondered if we could possibly use it ourselves.”

Amaro Jr. put on a stern face and pursed his trembling bottom lip, trying to hold back tears.

“But I want to firmly deny that we have ever deflated baseballs in the past. This is firmly on me.”

In addition to his queries on how to deflate baseballs, The CT also learned Amaro Jr. conducted the following searches:

– “Is Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn a free agent this year?”

– “Possible advantages to installing springs on bottom of cleats? IE: Spring shoes?”

– “Magical properties of lightning strikes on baseball bats.”

– “What is Grindr and why does Larry Andersen keep telling me I should sign up for it?”

Amaro Jr. then concluded his press release and was seen walking back into clubhouse with a gigantic wooden crate labeled “Flubber.”

BREAKING NEWS: Ruben Amaro Jr. announces Phillies will embrace new technologies

Mandatory Myspace pages for players, employees, according to the Phillies GM.
rubenPhiladelphia, PA – Ruben Amaro Jr. revealed earlier today the organization will begin to embrace new, advanced statistics, scouting techniques and analytics by signing each and every one of its players and organizational employees on to MySpace before the starts of the 2015 season.
Amaro touted the “new technology” as being easy to use, cost effective and fun.
“I firmly believe this will give us a leg up as an organization and help us cast aside the notion that we’re antiquated and stodgy,” Amaro said. “I personally hired an outside IT firm to set up accounts for each player and employee, and we will be requiring daily, mandatory posts on each account and at least one favorite song posted to each wall.”

When asked how much he paid the firm for the set up, Amaro said it was in the “neighborhood of about $5 million. It’s a one-time only installation fee, coupled with an annual maintenance contract of just $750,000.”

Amaro asked reporters to crowd around his Imac as he logged onto his new account, giving them a preview of the future of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Amaro’s homepage was decorated with a number of Phillies emblems, a picture of the 2008 World Series trophy, and a photograph of his pet cat, Marmalade. A midi version of “Camptown Races” automatically began to play upon his logging in.

“Can you imagine how much time this will save our scouts? Why go out to a game, when prospects can just send us highlights online?” he said.

The only post on Amaro’s wall not written by the GM himself was from Phillies radio announcer Larry Andersen.

“Hey Rube, I heard the Red Sox want you to come up to Fenway tonight to discuss a trade for Howard. They told me they’ll give you three butts and a fart to be named later. LOLOLOLO you suck fruit!” the message simply read.
As of press time, Amaro had only two confirmed friends, and was awaiting responses on 6,743 users.