I can’t believe this is a narrative that is already taking off. Thanks to NJ.com and two hapless idiots who decided to boo Bryce Harper in the vicinity of some schmuck recording on their iPhone, the national media is now trotting out the old tired narrative of Philadelphia fans being too harsh on their own players.
Thanks to NJ.com and this headline, “PHILLIES FANS BOO BRYCE HARPER ON OPENING DAY AFTER TWO STRIKEOUTS” you’d be hard pressed to defend Phillies fans for their boorish behavior. Booing Harper on his first day of a 13-year contract? That’s absurd and ignorant.
And then you see the video after the jump and what the “booing” consisted of.
The Phillies are BACK baby. The crack of the bat, the smell of the outfield grass, all that that corny horseshit that hack sports journalists use in bad prediction articles a day before a 162 season begins without undertaking any research at all.
SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT TO ME.
Who better to tell you what to look for and to make wildly incorrect predictions than someone who hasn’t been to a game in person since 2013 and watched less than 20 innings of baseball COMBINED last year.
But that’s never stopped us before. Like our vaunted 76ers prediction column (actually got a few right in that one if you don’t count all of our horrible Markelle Fultz predictions) we’re bringing you, the fan, 50 of our boldest predictions for the Phillies season.
The Phillies posted an interesting sign at their merchandise store, informing a rabid buyer’s market that the franchise had completely run out of the letter “R” for their adult home and road jerseys.
Ranger Suarez fans must be crushed.
After a record setting period of Bryce Harper jerseys sales, the Phillies are 100% out of the letter “R” for adult home and road jerseys. Juvenile “Rs” are still available, but your stupid kid probably wants a Zach Eflin jersey so it doesn’t matter.
I’m sure the Phillies will soon bring an enormous crate of “R’s” into the team’s warehouse and John Middleton will get out his needle and thread for those BRyce HaRpeR jerseys, but if you can’t wait until that moment and you absolutely, positively need a jersey today, who would be your best option?
The answer is nobody great.
Now look. I’m not a big psychic guy. It’s my opinion and my opinion alone that psychics are nonsense and they exist purely to bilk honest, weak-minded, and often times devastate people out of their money for a “service” that has been proven time and time again to be bullshit.
But in times of dire crisis, no stone must be left unturned and every source must be exhausted for answers. Maybe someone who dances with the devil under the pale moonlight can give us a hint to where Bryce Harper will spend the next decade of his career?
Because let’s face it. Nobody but Bryce Harper (and the Lord) knows where Bryce Harper is going to sign this offseason, but that doesn’t stop pundits and MEN WITH SOURCES to tweet out every rumor and every inkling of movement ad nauseam to desperate fans begging for scraps of information like a starving dog in a morgue.
It’s exhausting. Jon Heyman has confirmed Bryce to half the league by now and he’s working on the other half this afternoon while pleasuring himself to a picture of Harper combing his hair. Howard Eskin’s sources have confirmed Harper to the AAF. Angelo Cataldi is readying a Philly Voice article criticizing the Phillies for either signing Harper or for not being able to successfully land him.
It’s enough to make you crazy. So in a moment of weakness, I turned to an unlikely source for salvation.
And he did not disappoint.
I’m calling it. Like Dr. Kevorkian told his nurse on their last case of the day, “Pull the plug and let’s get the hell out of here to beat the traffic.”
As the preeminent voice of the common Philadelphia sports fan I’m declaring March 1 as Bryce Harper Day. Punch and pie will be served, but the event is BYOC (bring your own cyanide).
I’ve had it. I’ve had it with the tweets, the speculation, the “hilarious” fake twitter accounts that claim to be in the “know” about Harper signing. The takes. The internet sleuths reading into Harper’s dumb tweets and every promotional photo of him like conspiracy theorist and the Zapruder film. Is he wearing a Phillies branded arm sleeve in that photo?! IS THAT A SHOOTER ON THE GRASSY KNOLL IN RIGHT FIELD?!
I’m sick of the will they-won’t they tension that gets annoying and stale in a sitcom after one season (I’m looking at you, “The Office”). Just fuck and get it over with.
March 1 is it. If Bryce Harper has not signed with Philadelphia by the new month please join me in declaring him dead to the city.
Great win yesterday by the Sixers. Just an absolute trouncing of the LeBron led Los Angeles Lakers, showcasing a new and improved roster that has yet to gel but it still throttling less talented teams with more scoring options than this franchise has ever seen.
And yet, all I want to talk about this morning is Allen Iverson wearing the EXACT REPLICA of David Puddy’s 8-ball jacket from Seinfeld.
It’s not even a matter of it looking “similar” … it is the exact same jacket David Puddy wore during the end credits of the Season 9, episode 12 classic “The Reverse Peephole” in the television series Seinfeld.
The exact same one. Look at it.
I have so many questions that need answers.
I admit it. My eyes have been wandering and I’ve found myself lingering for a few brief moments on Comcast, taking in a glimpse or two of the Flyers on this 8-game win streak.
I swore I wouldn’t. I swore I had cast off this franchise until changes were made, until they veered away from the status quo that has mired them in futility for DECADES, save a miraculous Stanley Cup run 9-years ago.
But I’m cracking…I cursed this franchise earlier in the season, last year, the year before, citing that they every season for the past 10 years they were always “two-years away” from relevance.