Sixers basketballllllllllll is back! We are ROLLING into the 2019-2020 season with a perfect 3-0 slate as your PHILADELPHIA 76ERS look to be legitimate contenders for the NBA crown. The team is prime, the team is young, and the team is hungry for success…which makes this look back into the shitty time capsule of 76ers past all the more pleasing.
The year was 2012. Mark Zumov and Malik Rose were teaching Philadelphia how to love again. The 76ers were fresh off a trade that would SURELY send them hurtling into the stratosphere of the top NBA teams with their acquisition of Andrew Bynum. Bowling jokes were at an all time low in the Delaware Valley.
It’s that time of year again, when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of an NBA championship and when he desperately represses memories of a mother fucking off-balanced three point shot that bounces on the rim 900 times before elegantly falling through the hoop to mercilessly end all of our hopes and dreams.
Yes, the 76ers are BACK BABY! A slimmed down Joel Embiid! Al Horford using his offensive rebounding prowess for the powers of good and not evil! Awkward photos of Markelle Fultz trying to raise his arms over his head while going down the final drop in Splash Mountain! What a year it’s shaping up to be.
It’s a NEW season and this calls for some BOLD takes, far bolder and newer than last year’s column where I proudly declared Mike Muscala would quickly become a fan favorite in Philadelphia.
So here we go, on the day of the 76ers 2019-2020 season, we have FIFTY BOLD PREDICTIONS for our beloved Sixers:
The Washington Nationals, of all teams, are going to the World Series.
Bryce Harper is going to play under his sixth manager in nine seasons next year.
Do you think it bugs him? Of course it bugs him, how could it not? His entire stretch with the Nationals was plagued by the teams inability to escape the first round of the playoffs, no matter how talented the rosters were. He leaves, and suddenly the perennial choke artists are going to the biggest stage of baseball.
Sure, they’ll lose to the Astros or the Yankees, but still…what does Harper think?
Well well well, what do we have here. Five games into the season and the Eagles find themselves at 3-2, tied with the rotten Cowboys of Dallas at the top of the NFC East as Dak Prescott threw THREE interceptions against the Packers and couldn’t complete the late comeback.
Not too easy when you’re playing the dregs of the NFL anymore, is it fellas?
Ten sacks. Two defensive touchdowns. Two interceptions. It was a massacre from the jump as Adam Gase couldn’t crazy eye his team to victory and Luke Falk may or may not have shed a few tears at halftime.
Sam Darnold’s spleen definitely let out a sigh of relief that it wasn’t cleared to play in the 31-6 demolition of what could be the worst team in all of football.
On to Minnesota. Random thoughts on the game after the jump:
The Eagles sent the Green Bay faithful packing to their houses made of cheese curds and beer brats with a stunning 34-27 victory that may or may not send old Uncle Coggin to an early grave.
Ten seconds was all it took to completely believe the Eagles were destined to give up yet another fourth quarter victory to SCREAMING at Nigel Bradham to get the fuck down and not fumble the game winning interception as salty Aaron Rodgers looked on in disgust, perhaps thinking back to fonder times when he still spoke to his extended family.
It was a season saver. 2-2, onto the bloated, rotting corpse of the Jets next week, and they’re rolling.
Random game thoughts after the jump:
Does the F-Lot Crew still have that coffin from two weeks ago? I wouldn’t mind laying down, closing the lid, and sleeping forever after watching the Eagles fall to 1-2 on the year after dropping yet another winnable game to the Lions.
This is a new segment at the Coggin. The Blame Game. Let’s throw some blame around for who was most responsible for a putrid loss, let’s get it all off our chests today, and let’s start things FRESH tomorrow for the inevitable heartbreaking letdown we’re bound to experience at Lambeau this Thursday.
Let’s throw some blame around after the jump.
My god, what a 24-hours it’s been. Fame, fortune, women, power, and the cocaine. MY GOD THE COCAINE. I’ve been yakked out of my gourd with fine Bolivian nose candy since Thursday morning as I’ve REVELED in the fame that creating a new MLB statistic brings you.
Last night’s Braves/Phillies matchup featured two starting pitchers so inept they combined for a rare DOUBLE VELASQUEZ, something you’ll be telling your grandkids about one day.
The “Velasquez,” ladies and gentlemen, is sweeping the nation.