In what has become a training camp tradition, several of the older Eagles veterans gathered the rookies around a roaring campfire on the first day of camp and filled their heads with horrifying visages of a haunted, vengeful smoothie machine that terrorized the roster “three years ago on this very day.”
“I was on the team three years ago when it happened. Strange things, weird things, horrifying things went down in this very facility,” Jason Peters told the rookie attendees. “You’d hear weird things at night…horrible fruits and vegetables being juiced and ethereal concoctions being created for the unfortunate souls it could catch. I saw it, you know, right over there in the commissary one night, pulverizing an entire bushel of carrots like it was nothing.”
Fathers lock up your daughters, the Juice is back, baby! After nine long years the truth has finally set me free! The Juice is back to rap at you for a few minutes, but for the first time I’m writing a column as a FREE MAN!
It’s been too long. I can’t wait to get back out there, hit the links, maybe set myself up for another career with Hertz as their spokesman. You remember that one, right? Run OJ, run! Oh, commercials had writers back then, you could never think of a slogan like that anymore.
But it got me thinking….I’m out now, I’m a free man, free to roam the dark streets at night, pursue my romantic interests, but I need to find a new way for myself. I need a career, I need to support myself both financially and artistically.
(Photo credit: sportingnews.com)
Hey Colin Kaepernick, do you really want to get back into the NFL? Are you looking for a solution that will bring you back into the good graces of NFL owners?
Forget about cutting your afro, it’s not just about your hair. You have to go all in and start a dog fighting ring if you want to be brought back into the National Football League.
You’ve got to be like Mike, Kaep. You need to follow the Michael Vick reclamation program if you ever want to play in the NFL again.
Forget about raising $1 million for charity, that’s not getting you anywhere. Meals on Wheels donations? Fuck em’. You need to go all in like Michael Vick, round up as many dogs as you can get your hands on, and organize the most violent, sophisticated dog-fighting ring that this country has ever seen.
Here’s a great idea that definitely won’t end up with you begging for the sweet release of death in a murder dungeon…show up to this guy’s house with a brand new miter saw and trade it for Balloon Joel Embiid.
A gentleman who describes himself as a “balloon prodigy” posted an ad on Craigslist over the weekend to lure an unsuspecting 76ers fan into his home with power tools for the chance to trade for what he describes as a “life-sized balloon sculpture” of Joel Embiid.
Here’s what his ad says:
In a stunning programming decision this afternoon, veteran midday host Rob Ellis has been let go by 97.5 the Fanatic after several years of service to the sports talk station. Ellis notified his listeners at the conclusion of today’s show, explaining that it would be his last with the Fanatic and his co-host Harry Mayes.
It did not take long for the station to find his replacement, as 97.5 the Fanatic station representatives officially announced that an old Breakfast on Broad coffee mug would be Ellis’s permanent replacement for the midday show.
The mug’s last hosting duties included a brief guest host spot on Ellis’s Comcast Sports Network morning show when Ellis was out sick with the flu for a week. The show experienced its highest ratings during the mug’s guest hosting spot.
“We feel the mug will allow us to put forth the best programming we can for our listeners,” 97.5 the Fanatic Program Director Matt Nahigan told the Coggin Toboggan.
The show will go on hiatus for the next week with the mug taking on full hosting duties Monday, July 24.
Earlier this week the 76ers instituted a new “Club 76” waiting list and a tiered membership program for fans clamoring to buy season tickets. The highest tiered program allows fans to pay a fee of $76 to jump those not in Club 76 in the waiting list for season tickets.
The program has ruffled some feathers in the city, but the Phillies should take note of their across the street neighbors and create a waiting list of their own. Charge a fee, and revenue will roll in hand over first for the franchise.
Seem unlikely? Hear me out. This is a billion dollar idea I’m giving away for FREE…if I don’t receive a phone call from one of the 953 owners of the Phillies I’ll be very insulted.
We’ll call it “Club 10,799”. Fans pay a nominal fee of $200 to join. Seem steep? Wait until you see what benefits a club membership gives you access too.
An ice shelf the size of Delaware broke itself off from Antarctica yesterday, scientists at the Swansea University-led Midas project confirmed, releasing a gigantic iceberg twice the size of Luxembourg into the surround waters.
Theories of the ice shelf’s disintegration over the past decades have been discussed leading global representatives, but the Swansea University Midas project scientists confirmed this morning that the shelf purposefully broke itself off the frigid continent after overhearing an asinine sports talk segment from the local Philadelphia 97.5 the Fanatic sports talk station.
The environmental disaster has been placed firmly at the feet of 97.5 the Fanatic, its midday host Mike Missanelli, and it’s poor choice of show programming.