After last night’s beating from the 76ers, the Lakers need your help more than ever

Hello, I’m Sarah McLachlan. Right now, the Lakers need you more than ever after what happened last night against 76ers. Your call says, I’m here to help. Please call, right now.

Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid should be locked up after the severe beatings they doled out over 48 minutes. It was so cruel, so brutal, the duo had to flee the state and the premises of their crime before local law enforcement officials could apprehend them.

Please call to put a stop to the violence you can see after the jump.

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I may have found the most incorrect analysis of Ben Simmons’ game ever written

I’m not a huge fan of looking back at old predictions or player analyses and mocking them for how incorrect they turned out to be (unless they come from @OldTakesExposed, then they’re just hilarious).

Everyone is wrong once in a while, and when it’s your job to be in the prediction business you’re going to vomit out a clunker every now and again.

Fuck, the other day I looked back at some old Facebook memories where I was VEHEMENTLY defending Evan Turner to a friend, claiming that his “world class defense” made up for his “struggling, but growing offensive capabilities.”

OH, and also claiming that Evan Turner would have a “much, much more accomplished career” than Demarcus Cousins.

The moral of the story is, and always will be, that I am a complete moron.

But I found one analysis written about Ben Simmons after the 76ers selected him as the #1 pick in the 2016 draft. It’s so horrendously wrong that it boggles the mind. Did the author get the numbers of the jerseys incorrect? Did he think he was watching Simmons the entire season, when he was really watching Tim Quarterman or Keith Hornsby?

Here’s what David Gardner, a Staff Writer for Bleacher Report, said of Ben Simmons:

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I forgot to mention I’m running for Camden County Freeholder, didn’t I?

Well, it’s election day and I forgot to mention that I’m running for Camden Country Freeholder. CRIPES.

I had this idea in August. I really wanted to give back to the lovely county I live in, I wanted to roll up my sleeves and toss out the FAT CATS that have run this county for far too long.

I had posters printed up. Thousands upon THOUSANDS of them. They’re sitting in my backyard shed. I didn’t put a single one up. They’re completely useless and cost me $5,000 to print. God damnit.

I never even bothered to find out what a Freeholder is. It seems like that would have been first on my list, but I’m a jump first, look later kind of candidate. It’s one of my finest qualities.

I meant to look it up, I really did, but just never got around to it. The 76ers are pretty good this year, I got distracted. Can you blame me?

All I know is I would have made a great Freeholder. A kickass Freeholder, even. I can only assume I would have been given a gavel and a robe after my victory. Maybe I’m thinking of a judge?

I guess I’ll never find out.

I had this entire platform planned around everyone in Camden County receiving a free pizza every Friday night. Free Pizza Fridays would have been a reality under my steady hand, for only a nominal county tax increase of $1.50 per every $100 of assessed property value and the discontinuation of the county police force.

Sure, that may seem excessive, but on the other hand…..free pizza. You can’t argue with the results.

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Why is it SO bad to believe the Eagles are THIS good?

Confession. I didn’t see a second of the game yesterday. I had to watch the ESPN.com gamecast app on my phone as I half paid attention to a delightful Sunday wedding (mazel tov, Barry and Carol).

I didn’t see a second of the action, but even by intermittently reading the results of each play on my phone I could tell the Eagles had unhooked the Broncos off their ventilator in the first quarter and silently watched them pass away for the rest of the game like an unwanted relative.

It was a mercy killing. Brock, sorry, but you shouldn’t have signed that DNR.

Watching highlights of the game reaffirmed what I saw on Gamecast. It was a smashing, through and through, against one of the best defenses in the NFL.

Big dick Nick Foles even got to slang it around for a while. I’m sure you’ll hear a few people call into WIP and wonder if Foles should start for the rest of the year to keep Wentz “fresh.”

The Eagles are 8-1. Tops in the NFC East. Tops in the NFC. Tops in the NFL.

So why are we all still waiting for the other shoe to drop? Why is it so hard for us to come to grips that this team is actually this fucking good?

They’re all out of shoes. Nothing left to drop.

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Phillies tab a piece of Grade-A, marbled American beef to be their next manager

The Phillies reportedly hired themselves some Grade-A American beef over the weekend, tabbing former Los Angeles exec and muscled adonis Gabe Kapler as the franchise’s next manager.

Kapler is expected to bring cutting-edge sports science techniques to the clubhouse, a willingness to take risks, and an unfettered beauty that will force thousands of straight men in the area to take a long, uncomfortable look at their own sexual identities.

Good god, just look at him. LOOK AT THAT PUNIM! That is a face you can bring home to momma.

You could grate cheese on those abs, cheese that Gabe wouldn’t eat because you can’t get abs like that if you’re constantly eating the cheese that you’ve grated off your own abs. Lets get serious.

He has a face that looks like it has been sculpted from a pure block of marble, crafted by the finest old-world Italian craftsmen that have ever walked upon this earth.

Wives and girlfriends will be wondering while their husbands and boyfriends are staying up late AGAIN to watch the Phillies this summer.

“You were up REALLY late last night…were you watching the Phillies again? They lost 10-2…what the hell were you doing?”

“Nothing, ok? Just shut up. Oh, don’t clear out the DVR, I taped the game.”

 

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Newly released JFK files tell the truth of his assassination and a lost Philadelphia connection

Decades old JFK Files were released to the public yesterday, long censored by the government and released for public consumption for the first time since John F. Kennedy’s assassination on Nov. 22, 1963.

We love a good conspiracy theory at the Coggin, and after we dug through THOUSANDS of files, we started to notice something, well, a bit off.

A series of newly released photos immediately prior to JFK’s assassination and immediately after show a lone figure that had previously been cropped out of the images. These photos, which were censored by the U.S. government, are the biggest break in the case since Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested.

It is our theory that 97.5 the Fanatic afternoon host Mike Missanelli had a hand in the cover up of the JFK assassination.

Seems implausible? Take a look at this photo of JFK driving through Dealey Plaza moments before he was shot after the jump.

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God bless David Akers and his attempt to keep me from drinking in college

Just take a moment and enjoy the majesty of the greatest Eagles giveaway poster ever produced. David Akers stern, strong leg in full extension, kicking a majestic field goal out of the firm but tender hands of Koy Detmer.

Just another cheap giveaway poster from some game nobody can remember….but ho….what’s that on the bottom of the poster? UNDERAGE-DRINKING WILL KICK YOUR LIFE AWAY!? That is delightfully absurd!

Get it?! He’s a kicker….and underage drinking will kill your life away!

How droll!

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