The Family Circus torments Philadelphia

Comic strips are supposed to have jokes. Four panels, a few recurring, main characters, a pithy observation on the banalities of Mondays, and boom. You read it, at BEST you get a smile on your face, and then you throw the comic section into the garbage and move on with your life.

For close to 200 years (estimated) Family Circus has been terrorizing readers with the quirks of the Keane family; parents Bil and Thelma, and children Billy, Dolly, Jeffy, and P.J. and a one-panel strip that is high on Christianity and low on jokes.

A typical Family Circus involves a soft pun, a bible passage, and a shot of their long deceased grandfather looking lovingly down at the family from heaven. Strip after strip, pun after pun, dead grandparent after dead grandparent, it goes on, and on, and on, and on.

Does that sound entertaining? Something you’d enjoy reading every single morning since the strip’s debut on Feb. 29, 1960? If it does, than buckle up motherfuckers because I have big news.

Family Circus brought it’s HILARIOUS off-kilter brand of comedy to the City of Brotherly love for a week of vacation strips as the Keane family visited Philadelphia.

Strap in as we look at the Keane’s pilgrimage to Philadelphia and hold on to your funny bones, you don’t want to bust a gut laughing at these absolute gems.

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How many fake twitter accounts has Jon Marks created to insult Mike Missanelli?

As reported by Crossing Broad, Mike Missanelli, paranoid android and 97.5 the Fanatic host, took to the airwaves last Friday afternoon and floated an extremely sane theory about how his former producer, and now 94 WIP host, Jon Marks created fake twitter accounts to criticize his show and spread rumors about the Fanatic’s annual “Fantasy Fest” event.

Missanelli discussed a rumor that “Fantasy Fest” didn’t allow women to attend. Of course women allowed to attend the event, it’s a free country, they can do what they want! Most, however, are smart enough to realize that attending an event with hundreds of BO ridden, drunken sports talk fans isn’t the most entertaining way to spend a Saturday in the summer.

Here’s Missanelli explaining to his show producers how jet fuel can’t sustain a fire hot enough to melt steel girders and how Jon Marks is ruining his life. Please note the very hip and up-to-date slang Missanelli employs to connect with a younger audience (transcript from Crossing Broad):

Mike: “I guarantee you that was started by the other station and their insecurities, because I have seen fake Twitter accounts that rip this show and laud that other show, little Skippy over there that used to be my producer, I’ve been told is behind some fake accounts.”

Tyrone: “Oh!”

Mike: “Yeah.”

Tyrone: “Really?”

Mike: “Yeah. So when you resort to creating fake accounts like Barbara Bottini, to rip the show, that shows a level of desperation. That means you’re a V.L.T.”

Natalie: “A what?”

Mike: “Very little talent.”

Natalie: “Oh”

Tyrone: “That also means that have a PhD, which is a player hater’s degree.”

Mike: “Yeah. Listen, I know you’re desperate, because you are a V.L.T. But come on, fake twitter accounts? Come on.”

I ordered a VLT at a diner the other day…mama mia, you can’t go wrong.

I decided to put on my journalism hat, Ringer style, and delve into the seedy underbelly of Twitter to identify just how many fake Twitter accounts Marks has created to rip Missanelli.

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So, you’ve decided to host a 4th of July barbecue at your house

So, you’ve decided to host a 4th of July barbecue at your house this year, Mr. or Mrs. John Q. American. To you, I say well done! There’s nothing more patriotic than inviting your closest family and friends over for an afternoon of overeating, day drinking, and blatant displays of jingoism that would make William Randolph Hearst blush.

But you can’t just expect to get a few hotdogs, a few hamburgers, and a warm case of domestic beer to pull this off. OH NO. You’ve got to go big, because that’s what America is all about, isn’t it? Gratuitous demonstrations of excess to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love this country oh so very much.

The Coggin Toboggan has helped you win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest and gotten you out of a fireworks jam in past 4th of July’s, so take advantage of these tips from the professionals to throw the barbecue of the century:

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What does young Brett Brown look like?

I’m a busy man this week at work, but sometimes you have to take a step back and focus on what’s truly important.

One of the great follows on Twitter, @gippergrove, blessed the 76ers community…no….the WORLD with a treasure trove of pictures of a very young Brett Brown with a glorious mane of curly hair and some of the biggest glasses I’ve ever seen outside of a three-ring circus.

(Credit: @GipperGrove)

My God. Gaze upon him and give thanks, but be fearful, for Coach Brown giveth and he certainly taketh away.

Here is an all-encompassing and VERY IMPORTANT list of what young Brett Brown looks like:

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And the next General Manager for the 76ers will be…

…Me. It’s me. BAH GAWD, THAT’S COGGIN’S MUSIC.

Yes. I am officially throwing my name into the hat for the vacant general manager position with your hometown Philadelphia 76ers. What once was previously held by an immature and insecure lover of shirts with huge collars will now be held by an immature and insecure man who owns only the finest normal collared shirts that money can buy from Kohls department stores.

The NBA draft is tomorrow, so we need to get moving. We need to put the kettle on the stove, shift into high gear, and cover all our bases to make sure we move this franchise in the RIGHT DIRECTION to optimize our chances of success.

I’ve got all my stock answers and banal statements down, which will surely put me in the good graces of 76ers CEO Scott O’Neil. Let’s check in on Scott’s Twitter account to see if he’s made any decision yet on my application.

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Not good! Then again, nothing worthwhile has ever come easy, so it’s just the first of many hurdles I’ll have to vault to prove myself to the franchise and a demanding fan base that has driven lesser men than me completely insane or to an early grave.

After the jump, please see my detailed plan of action for success for the 76ers.

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THUNK

At this very moment, Nick Williams felt what every single Phillies fan felt last night while watching this beleaguered bullpen try to cough away yet another win after a stellar performance from Nick Pivetta.

The Phillies ended winning in 10 after blowing a 9th inning two run lead, but not before Williams took a ball off the outfield fence into the old schnozolla, resulting in a deluge of blood and several social media videos he’d likely enjoy being scrubbed from the internet….all of which you can see after the jump!

(Andrew Dice Clay voice) BALLS ACROSS THE NOSE….OHHH!

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What sequel is the worst of all time compared to its original?

This may be the worst time in sports. The Phillies are still early in their season, the NBA season is finished, NBA free agency/the draft doesn’t start for another month, and the Eagles are running around in shorts while beat writers try to pump out 2,000 word minicamp columns about the “explosiveness” of a 5th string cornerback that has no chance of making the roster.

I’m bored. This is boring. So let’s talk about movies, shall we?

A few weeks ago I posted a statement on Twitter about Major League II, which seemed to garner quite a bit of attention from the morons that find me to be a good follow.

Major League II is just a god awful sequel. One of the worst ever made when compared to the absolute classic that preceded it. Sadly, many people leapt to its defense, leaving me to wonder if perhaps I was the crazy one who misremembered the movie being a complete piece of shit.

After watching it for about an hour I am happy to report that it’s still a heaping, smoldering pile of runny dung left to fester and rot in the sun.

It features a number of red flags that immediately let’s you know it’s going to be SHIT. All of the original cast members from the first movie didn’t come back? Check. Instead of writing a character’s absence into the script, they’re recast with a much worse actor? Check. One of the main character completely changes their attitude/way of thinking for no reason whatsoever other than for a plot point that they must “find” what gave them success in the first place? Check. Going from a hard R rating to a PG-13 rating? Check. An expanded cast of “wacky” and “crazy” characters to up the ante of the sequel? CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Wesley Snipes’ Willie Mayes Hayes character was recast as Omar Epps. Rick Vaughn is a spineless businessman and Pedro Cerrano is a pacifist for not reason at all other than for “laughs.” A kooky Japanese baseball character is brought into the mix to really add to the grab bag of hilarity. They didn’t even film the movie in Cleveland, choosing to film all of the baseball scenes at Camden Yards in Baltimore. What the hell is going on?

But is it the worst sequel of all time when you think about the DISPARITY OF GREATNESS when compared with the original? Major League is, in my opinion, the best movie about baseball ever made. It’s eminently re-watchable,  quotable, and a timeless piece of film. It’s not dated after nearly three decades, unlike the sequel that seemed out of place the second it came out in theaters in 1994.

We need rules though, people. Rules are what define us; they bring order to chaos. Let’s try to narrow this down and bring clarity to this pressing question after the jump.

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