Everyone’s favorite crotch-kicking, kiss-my-ass club founder senior citizen and owner/CEO of the WWE Vince McMahon is DEEPLY considering bringing the XFL back next year, and may even make the announcement on Jan. 25, 2018.
That may be kind of cool, right? Everyone remembers the XFL… the sprint to the ball before the game… “He Hate Me.” Remember him? OH GOD, WHAT A CARD. Who hates him? Oh yeah, he, he does. He hates him, so He Hates Me. It’s the 21st century version of an Abbott and Costello routine. Who hates him? FIRST BASE!
But more football can’t be a bad idea, right? They could learn from their mistakes, put out a better product this time around, and finally present an alternative league that could give the NFL a run for its money.
No thank you. Reviving the XFL would Vince McMahon’s worst decision he thought booking Al Snow and Big Bossman in a Kennel from Hell match would be a huge draw (wrestling nerds will get that…it’s hilarious, believe me).
Jesus Christ…he did this before I could tell him not too. He was out there for maybe 20 minutes before he collapsed into a snowdrift….I haven’t seen him move in close to 15 minutes. What an ass.
I’ll call an ambulance in a few minutes. I apologize to the women of Haddon Heights for him calling you “house fraus.” Is it too late to get a divorce? Does anyone know any good lawyers? I can’t take this much longer.
He’s moving around out there, he’s fine. He may just lose a few fingers. That’d be nice…maybe this stupid blog would die for good.
Oh ho…what is this? So many of you huddled in your homes, scared of a little snow? Mother Nature is a bully, and the only way to deal with a bully is to confront them. Thus, I, the CEO of The Coggin Toboggan, shall shovel the snow from my home’s steps, the walkway and driveway in nothing but compression shorts to prove once and for all that man is greater than mother nature.
You may think is folly, but I think of it as the most utmost of importance. Are we slaves to our bodies, or shall we prove that the mind shall overcome anything?! Yes it is chilly, yes it is windy, but the elements are no match for the human spirit.
What else do you need, but a hearty disposition, a pair of compression shorts, and a sturdy shovel by your side to defeat any blizzard?
Besides, giving the cabin-fever-ridden house fraus of Haddon Heights some much needed eye candy during this blizzard can only help! Free show, ladies, and who knows, maybe my manly, steamy essence will clear some of the snow from your frigid walkways, if you catch my meaning.
Tally ho! I will report to you, my dear reader, when the task is completed and a warm snifter of brandy is my reward!
::A familiar voice rings out from the back of head coach Doug Pederson’s press conference, and a familiar-faced, middle aged man begins to push his way through the assembled media corp, accidentally knocking Les Bowen to the ground as security desperately tries to contain the situation::
Hoying: Hey Doug, you little pissant, tell your gestapo SS guards to get their god damn hands offa me. I’m a legacy, fuck it all, I don’t deserve to be treated like this damnit. Do you dollar store LOSERS even know who I am, I used to run this town, get yer paws off of me for fucks sake….
::Hoying takes a wild swing at one of the Novacare guards, before Pederson tells them it’s okay and takes responsibility for the wild-eyed guest. Smiling, Hoying pulls Pederson into a meaty hug after the coach offers him his hand for a quick shake::
2017 is almost at a close and 2018 is ready to pounce with all new horrors and shocking news breaks to make us all feel like complete garbage. Who will be outed as a serial harasser of women in the New Year? Aziz Ansari? Chris Pratt? The rest of the cast of Parks and Recreation? God that was a great show….but too bad, you can’t enjoy it now since they’re all a bunch of women harassers (allegedly).
It has been a banner year for the Coggin, hasn’t it? Sure pageviews are down and I wrote 150 less posts this year than 2016….and 250 less than 2015 (jesus christ) but it was still a BANNER YEAR DAMNIT.
I made a conscious effort to move away from The Onion satire this year and I think it worked out well. Some of you may disagree, and you are wrong in doing so and you should feel very, very badly about yourselves. HOW DARE YOU.
Here are some of the pieces I enjoyed writing this year:
I FORGOT TO MENTION I’M RUNNING FOR CAMDEN COUNTY FREEHOLDER, DIDN’T I?
GOD BLESS DAVID AKERS AND HIS ATTEMPT TO KEEP ME FROM DRINKING IN COLLEGE
APPLYING TO BE THE NEXT 97.5 FANATIC PROGRAMMING DIRECTOR
APPLYING FOR THE 97.5 FANATIC ON-AIR MIDDAY HOST OPEN POSITION
ANGELO CATALDI PIMPS OUT CBS3’S MEISHA JOHNSON ON MORNING SHOW
SO, YOU’RE A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE ATHLETE AND YOU’VE BLOWN YOUR FINGERS OFF ON THE 4TH OF JULY
ROB ELLIS AND MIKE MISSANELLI BLAMING MILLENNIALS FOR THE DECLINE OF PHILADELPHIA SPORTS IS HELL ON EARTH
DAVE HAKSTOL EXCITED TO REALLY DICK AROUND NOLAN PATRICK OR NICO HISCHIER NEXT SEASON
MAUREEN CROWLEY WILLIAMS: ‘I WAS FOOLISH FOR GETTING INTO HIGH STAKES GAME OF ROMANCE, SPORTS TALK RADIO’
(I don’t know why, but the above story is BY FAR the most popular story on the site. Every day it’s usually the highest traffic generating story and it’s almost 8 months old at this point. MCW is a cash cow)
THE TIME A DRUNK 76ERS FAN DEMANDED MATT GEIGER PUNCH KEITH VAN HORN IN THE FACE…AND HE DID IT
2017 ALL-PHILADELPHIA ROYAL RUMBLE
Those are my favorites. Did we miss any of your favorites? Let me know on Twitter and I’ll repost them.
Happy New Years, everyone!
I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT. YOU, KRUGER, MY SON TELLS ME YOUR COMPANY STINKS! – Frank Costanza.
Merry (early) Festivus to all of the dear readers of The Coggin Toboggan. 2017 is mercifully coming to a close in less than a few weeks, but what ho! There is still plenty of time for more gripes and complaints in 2017 with your good friends at The Coggin Toboggan.
And what better way to have our voices heard about everything that disappointed us in the past year than by participating in the annual Airing of Grievances, an important part of the Festivus tradition?
But what’s that, you say? You don’t know about Festivus? Why, it’s a made up holiday from a decades old episode of Seinfeld that lazy blogs and sports talk radio stations use to squeeze out a topic of conversation at the end of each year.
Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!
But we are a lazy, lazy blog. We aired our own grievances in 2015 and in 2016, but this year we don’t have the energy. So we turned to our readers, our glorious, loyal, honest readers for their grievances about anything.
Boy, did you guys put a damper on everything as usual. ::sighs deeply:: I guess we can look at them together, but first let me say how truly disappointed I am in all of you.
NBC Sports Philadelphia and 97.5 the Fanatic announced yesterday that Mike Missanelli will be the host of an afternoon show on NBC Sports Philadelphia beginning in 2018. According to a tweet from the station, NBC Sports Philadelphia will simulcast Missanelli’s show each afternoon and will be followed by Philly Sports Talk at 5 p.m.
In related news, I’m very much looking forward to reading NBC Sports Philadelphia’s February 2018 press release about the show being cancelled.
Why? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYY is this needed on television? Were fans of Mike Missanelli’s radio show clamoring to see his gigantic noggin on their television screen every afternoon? Isn’t that one of the positives to listening to Missanelli,? You don’t have to look at him? I’m pretty sure that was one of the station’s taglines for his show….”Listen to the Mike Missanelli show every afternoon on 97.5 the Fanatic…at least you don’t have to look at him.”