To prove man is greater than science, I shall stare at the eclipse for 10 minutes

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Eclipse this, science that, high blood pressure will put you into an early grave before you’re 45….when did we become so dependent on science? Whatever happened to the can do spirit of the modern man? When did it become so uncool to roll up your sleeves, tighten your work boots, and put in a hard, honest days work?

Science has become a crutch for humanity, and to prove we should be independent from the bane of science, I shall stare at the eclipse for a full 10 minutes this afternoon to prove that the human spirit is greater than some egghead in a lab.

Tell me, if the sun is blocked out by the moon, than why is it dangerous? I’ve stared at a shadow before and I’ve lived to tell the tale. Seems like this is just a big scam by science and the sunglasses industry to get me to shell out $25 to buy a “magical” pair of glasses to protect my eyes from the harmful UV rays that are evidently being blocked out by the moon? Everyone knows the moon comes out at night, what makes today so special? Ever think of that?

Well let me tell you something…these American eyes of mine don’t run. I love the USA, I bleed red, white and blue, and science isn’t going to tell me what I can and can’t look at.

This is the land of the free, the home of the brave…I’ll stare at what I want, when I want.

Science can go take a long walk off a short pier for all I care.

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Applying for the 97.5 Fanatic on-air Midday Host open position

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The hunter has become the hunted.

Look who has come crawling to the Coggin on their hands and knees, practically BEGGING for an infusion of talent for their dying station. Our tipsters forwarded this job opening to us this morning….you think you could keep something as huge as this quiet without us knowing, Fanatic? We see all…we are all.

Job opening: 97.5 the Fanatic On-Air Midday Host.

I weep for those who plan to send in an application. The job is mine. Case closed. Can you imagine The Coggin infiltrating the 97.5 Fanatic offices? Mike Missanelli will be cowering under my boot heels within the hour.

I would hold the very position Rob Ellis once held….OH SWEET IRONY. One host a spineless, jellyfish of a man and the other a human dynamo with overflowing charisma and fabulous hair…fathers lock up your daughters, no pair of panties will go unsoaked as I strut to the studios every afternoon (I apologize profusely to any woman who had to read that last sentence).

Much like the leaflets dropped on Dresden prior to its firebombing (timely reference) I’m giving everyone at 97.5 the Fanatic fair warning that I will be applying for the position and I will be hired. Don’t like it? TAKE IT UP WITH MANAGEMENT. I’ll rule the station with an iron fist, but I will be a benevolent ruler. Anyone ever hear of a little something called Wacky Hat Wednesday?

Let’s go through the job requirements one by one after the jump.

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An Eagles season and the five stages of grief

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In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler published her seminal book on death and dying, titled…err…”On Death and Dying,” which first put forth the idea of the “Five Stages of Grief.” While working with terminally ill patients, Kubler observed that patients typically traveled through “five stages” after being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have become the widely accepted stages of terminally ill patients and has been expanded to people going through traumatic or life changing events. While the stages may be different for each individual, the theory has proven to be a valuable tool in helping those coping with tremendous stress and anxiety in their lives.

Sounds like an Eagles fan to me.

After years of great wailing and gnashing of teeth watching the Eagles flounder through season after season, I’ve identified the classic five stages every fan experiences watching one of the most inept franchises in the NFL fuck its way through lost season after lost season.

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SHOCKING: Rhys Hoskins, newest Phillies call-up, can’t recall Eagles 2016 record

 

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Rhys Hoskins is already in hot water with Philadelphia (photo credit: MLB.com)

The Rhys Hoskins era is already off to a tenuous start in Philadelphia.

The eagerly anticipated Phillies call-up fielded questions from reporters this morning, but the first baseman/left fielder found himself in hot water after failing to correctly answer a fluff question from Phillies field reporter Gregg Murphy about the 2016 Eagles record.

“The Eagles start their preseason tonight against the Green Bay Packers, how do you think they’ll do this year?” Murph casually asked the 24-year-old slugger prior to his first organized practice with the team.

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Maybe the Phillies should rethink inducting alleged child molester Pete Rose to the Wall of Fame?

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(Photo credit: NY Daily News)

Now, I may not know a whole lot, but don’t people usually not enjoy being around alleged child molesters? I know for a fact that child molesters aren’t usually inducted into Wall’s of Fame (unless they’re child molesting wall’s of fame, the least popular type of wall) in front of 20,000 shocked, silent fans.

So maybe the Phillies should rethink this one, huh?

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The saga of J.D. Hammer

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A sweating, flustered Matt Klentak enters the Buddhist monastery, scanning the red robed holy men for the man he’s come to see. His eyes squint and he nods his head as he sees his acquisition, the man they call The Hammer, working silently on an ox cart to repair a broken axle.

Klentak walks slowly up to the 23-year-old closer, observing his work. Hammer’s head raises slightly, sensing a presence behind him. His shoulders slump and he exhales wearily, knowing what’s going to come next.

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