Philadelphia Eagles

What happened to Minneapolis bars and restaurants keeping out classless Eagles fans?

Apparently it’s not as hard for Eagles fans in Minneapolis right now as Vikings fans led them to believe.

As hundreds of crestfallen (and butthurt) Vikings fans promised to start up Uber businesses this weekend to drive Eagles fans to wrong locations, created Facebook groups to organize meet-ups to throw trash at Eagles fans, canceled Eagles fans AirBnBs before the Super Bowl, denied Chris Maragos reservations, and generally promised to make life miserable for any Philadelphia Eagles fan that dared show up for the Super Bowl, it’s proving to not be all that bad for the throngs that made the trip.

I wanted to see just how difficult it would be to get a reservation for 10 Eagles fans on short notice in Minneapolis bars and restaurants near U.S. Bank Stadium. At the very least, I figured, the salty rejections from business owners would make for some good content.

It turns out that most business owners in Minneapolis aren’t as idiotic as the Vikings fans encountered on social media, because it’s QUITE EASY to make a reservation for 10 Eagles fans for tonight during prime dinner hours at just about any bar or restaurant within a mile of the Vikings stadium.

See just how much local business owners love Philadelphia Eagles fan after the jump:

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Vikings fans coming to Philadelphia should read this Eagles fan attack survival guide

I get it, Minnesotans, I really do. You want to come to City of Brotherly love this weekend, take in some culture, maybe see what all the fuss is about with these cheesesteaks, and you want to cheer on your Vikings in a polite, but slightly rowdy, manner.

It SOUNDS like a great weekend, but what will you do when you’re face to face with one of nature’s most relentless killing machines, an Eagles fan with a bone to pick?

Sure, they may seem cute and harmless when they’re doing their little E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES chant all afternoon, but when they’re bearing down on you with the broken shards of an Old Crow whiskey bottle, do you know what to do to increase your odds of survival?

Throwing cheese curds or whatever garbage it is you people eat up in Minnesota won’t help you.

Remember, Eagles fans can smell fear. If you reek of it (which you likely will), you stand little chance. The first step in survival is knowing what to do to increase your odds of getting out of their with your life.

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Here is the x-factor that should give you abnormal amounts of confidence in Nick Foles

Nick Foles has been around, folks, and he’s one of the most talented backup quarterbacks in the NFL. But still, following the news that Carson Wentz had indeed torn his ACL and would miss the rest of the year set off great waling and gnashing of teeth throughout the Delaware Valley.

BUT DON’T FRET! Nick Foles is going to be fine and I’m fully expecting the Eagles to still reach the Super Bowl.

Do you know why I’m so confident? Do you know why I’m expecting the Eagles to not miss a single beat with Foles under center the rest of the way?

Let me reveal to you the source of all my confidence in one Nick Foles.

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Howard Eskin has gone full heel and there is nobody better in Philadelphia

Howard Eskin has gone from radio jackass nobody liked to full-on Philadelphia sports heel and nobody is doing a better job in the Philadelphia media than he is right now.

It’s not even close. Is there anyone more entertaining right now than Eskin? Especially on Twitter? Whether he’s HILARIOUSLY misspelling names (Cluff Lee is an all-timer) or randomly picking fights with loser wide receivers from the Cowboys, everything he touches turns to gold.

Who would cultivate a week-long beef with no-name Cowboys wide receiver Cole Beasley and subsequently choke slam him through a barbed wire table (metaphorically) just HOURS after the Eagles demolished the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football.

Who does this other than heel Howard? He is a full on WWF heel…picking on the weak and defenseless in order to put himself over….and he’s doing it in the most entertaining way possible.

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Colin Cowherd announces he will be at Sunday’s Eagles game. What should be done?

Well well well, look at what we have here. Human ventriloquist dummy Colin Cowherd announced today on Twitter (if he’s not lying, which he most likely is) he will be in attendance at Sunday’s Eagles game, sitting somewhere in section 217.

The proof, as the famous saying goes, is in the Twitter of the plastic-faced, ratings hungry dullard:

I’m SURE he’s lying and will not actually be at the game Sunday. Would you show up in front of 40,000 rabid Philadelphians who have been drinking in the Jetro lots since 5 a.m., just a mere 6 days since you spouted out this nonsense:

But if he is…what should be done about it? What wrath shall be brought down upon one of the most hated talking heads in America?

I hesitate to suggest this course of action because of its…well….intense nature, but should we really be sympathetic when it comes to Cowherd? Doesn’t he deserve to be put in his place and finally pay the price for all of foul and vile statements he has made in the past?

I think so, but this suggestion is akin to dropping a nuclear bomb. It will bring about victory, but at what cost? What destruction will be wrought from our victory? Do we need to ruin a man’s life over something said on a poorly rated and low viewed radio/television show?

Yes. Yes we do.

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Jon Dorenbos is traded and Eagles Twitter vomits all over itself

jon-dorenbosBefore I start mocking the INSANE reactions to the Jon Dorenbos trade that so many decided to share on Twitter, it needs to be said that Dorenbos seemed like an insanely nice guy. His incredibly sad childhood and his determination to better himself through football and magic are inspirational and should PROBABLY be made into a movie one day (the Dorenbos role played by Miles Teller, obviously). Anyone who met him seemed to really enjoy him and had nothing but great things to say about him.

But let’s all calm down for just a second. He’s old, he’s a long snapper, and his younger long snapping replacement played well in his absence last year. When was the last time a GM actually traded a long snapper and got a draft pick for him? The answer? NEVER (I have no idea, but I’m too lazy to actually research this blatant assumption).

If he wasn’t a magician and hadn’t appeared on America’s Got Talent last year (which was awesome) nobody would have cared. Did anyone care when Mike Bartrum retired? YOU DID NOT.

On the bright side, he’s going to play in New Orleans, where the average resident thinks magic is real. BUSINESS WILL BE A BOOMING.

Let’s delve into the Twitter swamp. Did your asinine tweet make the cut? Let’s take a look after the jump.

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An Eagles season and the five stages of grief

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In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler published her seminal book on death and dying, titled…err…”On Death and Dying,” which first put forth the idea of the “Five Stages of Grief.” While working with terminally ill patients, Kubler observed that patients typically traveled through “five stages” after being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have become the widely accepted stages of terminally ill patients and has been expanded to people going through traumatic or life changing events. While the stages may be different for each individual, the theory has proven to be a valuable tool in helping those coping with tremendous stress and anxiety in their lives.

Sounds like an Eagles fan to me.

After years of great wailing and gnashing of teeth watching the Eagles flounder through season after season, I’ve identified the classic five stages every fan experiences watching one of the most inept franchises in the NFL fuck its way through lost season after lost season.

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