Marcus Smith

Eagles coaches raving about Marcus Smith’s Uber rating

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Eagles position coaches were buzzing Wednesday morning about recently arrived defensive lineman Marcus Smith, parcticularly in regards to the young man’s 5-star Uber driver rating, claiming he had shown vast improvement already over last year.

When asked to give an assessment of Smith so far, Chris Wilson, the defensive line coach of the Eagles, said Smith’s 1992 Toyota Tercel was “practically spotless” and he “always asks you if there’s a specific route you want him to go, or if he should just use Waze.”

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Marcus Smith thrilled to get chance to underwhelm fans, coaches at training camp

The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Following the news that OLB Travis Long had torn his ACL for the second time in three seasons, second year OLB Marcus Smith knew this would open doors for him in training camp.

You never want to hope for the injury of another teammate, but the opportunity is not lost on Smith.

“I can’t wait to get out on the field and show the coaches what I did over the off season,” Smith told reporters Thursday morning. “I don’t want to go too much into my training regiment, but let’s just say I got up to 20 pushups and over 50 jumping jacks at my absolute peak. Do you think anyone else here can do this?”

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Eagles Marcus Smith gaining confidence he can successfully qualify for unemployment benefits

The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Marcus Smith’s spirits were high at the end of Eagles minicamp yesterday, as the second year linebacker was reportedly confident he could successfully qualify for unemployment benefits by the start of the regular season.

The linebacker was reportedly thrilled when Chip Kelly dropped off the free Pennsylvania unemployment benefit packets to his locker late Thursday afternoon.

“This is just fabulous. My confidence is the highest it has ever been since joining the Eagles,” Smith said, as he diligently plowed through the information.

Per Pennsylvania law, Smith could qualify for bi-weekly payments as high as $547.

“Righteous bucks,” Smith said.

Kelly said he was pleased at Smith’s progress and noted the ceiling was quite high for the second year linebacker who would no doubt be cut before training camp begins.

“He’s a great kid. We think he could really make something of himself if he just hangs in there and hauls himself up by his bootstraps. I could definitely see him in some sort of trade school this year if he gets his mind right and doesn’t get overwhelmed.”

As of press time, Smith was seen using┬áthe team’s computer and had successfully uploaded an application to Devry University.

He received a rejection letter less than 15 minutes later.

Despite perfect health, Chip Kelly is urging Marcus Smith to think things over

Looking a little woozy, ehh Marcus?

Looking a little woozy, ehh Marcus?

Philadelphia, PA – Following the abrupt retirement of San Francisco rookie linebacker Chris Borland, Chip Kelly reportedly contacted Marcus Smith yesterday afternoon to advise the second year linebacker to “think things over” and “to put his health above everything else.”

“You don’t know what’s going to happen, Marcus. Anything can happen in this crazy game and I really think you need to think of your family and friends. Take a long, hard look at your career, I’d hate to see you make a mistake,” Kelly said, reportedly with an arm around Smith as the two walked down the Novacare Center.

Smith was visibly confused at Kelly’s request, as the slightly-used and disappointing rookie was perfectly healthy at the end of last season and had suffered no setbacks whatsoever during the off season.

Kelly remarked that Smith was walking with a visible limp, despite the rookie walking with a perfectly fine gait.

“How are those knees? I see you’re wobbling a bit there, maybe some post concussion symptoms that may still be lingering around from the season?” Kelly asked, despite Smith having suffered no concussions this past year. “Just think it over big guy. I respect you way too much to put you out on that field when your health is suffering like this.”

As of press time, Kelly was diagnosing Smith with chronic traumatic encephalopathy and was drafting up his retirement papers and forging his signature.