My god, what a 24-hours it’s been. Fame, fortune, women, power, and the cocaine. MY GOD THE COCAINE. I’ve been yakked out of my gourd with fine Bolivian nose candy since Thursday morning as I’ve REVELED in the fame that creating a new MLB statistic brings you.

Last night’s Braves/Phillies matchup featured two starting pitchers so inept they combined for a rare DOUBLE VELASQUEZ, something you’ll be telling your grandkids about one day.

The “Velasquez,” ladies and gentlemen, is sweeping the nation.

To recap, a “Velasquez” is a game in which a starting pitching throws less than 5 innings, 70 or more pitches, and gives up three or more earned runs.

Drew Smyly pitched a picture perfect “Velasquez” for the Phillies last night, giving up three earned runs on 80 pitches in just four innings for a LESS THAN stellar performance.

It was the Phillies 30th “Velasquez” on the season.

Not to be outdone, Julio Teheran threw his own “Velasquez,” narrowly out-dueling Smyly with four innings pitched, 75 pitches thrown, and five earned runs.

Those pitching lines, ladies and gentlemen, will give you diarrhea just looking at them.

Excited about the new stat, Reddit user “Matosawitko” did a deep dive on the “Velasquez” and combed baseball-reference.com for the newest and greatest pitching statistic to measure futility in starting pitchers. “Matosawitko” did a deep dive on the baseball site and found the following:

The league leader, with 7, is Yusei Kikuchi (SEA).

The following players all have 6:

• Jordan Zimmermann (DET)

• Rick Porcello (BOS)

• Ivan Nova (CHW)

• Zach Eflin (PHI)

• Zach Davies (MIL)

• Tyler Beede (SFG)

• Trevor Bauer (CLE/CIN)

Truly pathetic. But he went even further and focused on several Phillies.

I switched my query from above to show players with most matching games across multiple years. VV (Velasquez) has 15. There’s another Phillies pitcher with twice as many. Jason freaking Vargas has 33. Arrieta has 29, but only two this year and four last year.

It really is a marvelous statistic that truly shows the pitchers who display the consistent mediocrity needed to do just enough to lose a game, but never enough to win.

Always remember, you can never win when you throw a “Velasquez,” but you can always lose.

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