Drew Smyly

Last night’s Phillies game featured a double “Velasquez,” the stat that is sweeping the nation

My god, what a 24-hours it’s been. Fame, fortune, women, power, and the cocaine. MY GOD THE COCAINE. I’ve been yakked out of my gourd with fine Bolivian nose candy since Thursday morning as I’ve REVELED in the fame that creating a new MLB statistic brings you.

Last night’s Braves/Phillies matchup featured two starting pitchers so inept they combined for a rare DOUBLE VELASQUEZ, something you’ll be telling your grandkids about one day.

The “Velasquez,” ladies and gentlemen, is sweeping the nation.

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