Phillies

A psychic source from beyond the grave has confirmed Bryce Harper to the Phillies

Now look. I’m not a big psychic guy. It’s my opinion and my opinion alone that psychics are nonsense and they exist purely to bilk honest, weak-minded, and often times devastate people out of their money for a “service” that has been proven time and time again to be bullshit.

But in times of dire crisis, no stone must be left unturned and every source must be exhausted for answers. Maybe someone who dances with the devil under the pale moonlight can give us a hint to where Bryce Harper will spend the next decade of his career?

Because let’s face it. Nobody but Bryce Harper (and the Lord) knows where Bryce Harper is going to sign this offseason, but that doesn’t stop pundits and MEN WITH SOURCES to tweet out every rumor and every inkling of movement ad nauseam to desperate fans begging for scraps of information like a starving dog in a morgue.

It’s exhausting. Jon Heyman has confirmed Bryce to half the league by now and he’s working on the other half this afternoon while pleasuring himself to a picture of Harper combing his hair. Howard Eskin’s sources have confirmed Harper to the AAF. Angelo Cataldi is readying a Philly Voice article criticizing the Phillies for either signing Harper or for not being able to successfully land him.

It’s enough to make you crazy. So in a moment of weakness, I turned to an unlikely source for salvation.

And he did not disappoint.

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March 1 is Bryce Harper Day, For Better or For Worse

I’m calling it. Like Dr. Kevorkian told his nurse on their last case of the day, “Pull the plug and let’s get the hell out of here to beat the traffic.”

As the preeminent voice of the common Philadelphia sports fan I’m declaring March 1  as Bryce Harper Day. Punch and pie will be served, but the event is BYOC (bring your own cyanide).

I’ve had it. I’ve had it with the tweets, the speculation, the “hilarious” fake twitter accounts that claim to be in the “know” about Harper signing. The takes. The internet sleuths reading into Harper’s dumb tweets and every promotional photo of him like conspiracy theorist and the Zapruder film. Is he wearing a Phillies branded arm sleeve in that photo?! IS THAT A SHOOTER ON THE GRASSY KNOLL IN RIGHT FIELD?!

I’m sick of the will they-won’t they tension that gets annoying and stale in a sitcom after one season (I’m looking at you, “The Office”). Just fuck and get it over with.

March 1 is it. If Bryce Harper has not signed with Philadelphia by the new month please join me in declaring him dead to the city.

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Phillies reveal final plans and location for refurbished Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell

It’s no secret that we love the old Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell at the Coggin Toboggan. Hell, we tracked the bell down to a Food Distributor company that neighbored Citizens Bank Park, where it lay in wait for years until a proper plan could be devised for it.

The Phillies confirmed to us in an exclusive story that they were planning to refurbish the bell and display it to fans for the 2019 season.

We even stalked the bell from outer space, finding satellite pictures of the monolith rotting in CW Dunnet and Co’s backyard. We procured exclusive pictures of the Phillies reacquiring the bell last year, seeing it in all its rusted out and weathered glory.

And now, finally, we know what the Phillies plan to do with the relic that I, personally, DEVOTED 10 YEARS TO TRACKING DOWN.

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Phillies already taking public steps to lessen blow of hugely disappointing offseason

We’ve gone from the promise of being “a little bit stupid” in the offseason to the very public warning by Phillies president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail that landing either Bryce Harper or Manny Machado is not the end all be all for the future success of the franchise.

What a load of steaming horse shit.

And here we are, folks. For years Phillies fans have looked at 2019 as the year. Sure, we may suck now, Citizen’s Bank Park may be less than half full for 80% of all home games and we still have to watch Maikel Franco on a nightly basis, but 2019 is going to be different. Harper and Machado are ripe for the taking. The Phillies have little to no payroll, they’ve got a ton of money in their coffers, and John Middleton and Andy MacPhail are sick and tired of the losing.

Back up the Brinks truck, because we’ve got money to burn and forget about getting just ONE of those guys, hey, we may be “a little bit stupid” and sign both. Why not? IT’S THE NEW NORMAL, FOLKS, AND WE WILL NOT BE OUTBID.

Except it seems like the rest of baseball didn’t get the memo, and now the Phillies are scrambling to create the narrative that success is not dependent on signing EITHER Harper or Machado. As reported by Todd Zelecki at MLB.com, MacPhail certainly sounds like he’s taking proactive steps to convince fans that the franchise really didn’t need Harper or Machado in the first place.

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10-years ago today I missed the Phillies parade because I’m a complete jackass

10-years -ago today Chase Utley dropped an F-Bomb this city had been looking forward to for 28 years. “World champions……WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS!”

10-years-ago at the same time, instead of being shitfaced drunk with my loser friends and going insane in the streets of Philadelphia, I was wearing a pair of old ratty khakis, a $20 polo shirt, and wondering if the shards of my computer screen would mercifully slice through my jugular after I smashed my head through the machine.

Yes. I had to work the day of the Phillies parade, the first championship I had witnessed in my then 26-years of existence because I was far too much of a pussy to tell my boss I wouldn’t be working that day.

In the words of Robert Durst, “WHAT A DISASTER.”

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If Angelo Cataldi speaks for you as a fan, than I weep for you

If you haven’t heard it by now, Gabe Kapler’s impromptu interview this morning with Angelo Cataldi on the 94 WIP Morning Show was quite good. Angelo, despite his many, MANY detractions, knows what makes good radio and can conduct a hell of an interview.

Our friends over at Crossing Broad have the full audio if you haven’t heard it already.

Kapler and Cataldi go back and forth over a recent Cataldi column in “Philly Voice,” in which Cataldi criticizes the way GM Matt Klentak put together this year’s roster, going as far as to call Klentak “incompetent.”

Is he wrong? Maybe not, but the team was never viewed as contending this year and did outperform a Vegas win prediction several games. They did have a 14-win improvement over the abominable 2017 season and seem to be trending in the right direction.

Kapler of course defends his team and the GM, sparring with Cataldi over a very interesting and professionally conducted 13 minute interview.

But here’s where my skin bristles and the bile rises in the back of my throat.

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Life is for the living. Death is for the dead. The Phillies are for the wretched

“It is time,” a gravelly voice says from the back of the clubhouse. Alone, Gabe Kapler looks up, startled. The players had long since left the clubhouse, returning to their hotels, hoping to sleep before facing the reality of tomorrow, of another the swinging blade inching closer to their prone bodies. The manager had stayed long after the last player had cleared out, his head in his hand, staring at nothing, at everything, wondering how it had all gone downhill so very, very fast.

But he was no longer alone. The shrouded figure moved closer, almost gliding, its robe unrustled, unmoving as he shortened the gap between himself and the fearful manager. The figure extended a bony, pale white hand to an ashen Kapler, looming over the coach, the sharpened blade of a sickle dangerously dangling over his head.

“It is time,” the figure simply repeated.

“I’m dead?!” Kapler asked.

“No. It is time for this season to end,” the figure said calmly, its face obscured by the tattered hood that hung loosely about the deity. Light, color, everything was seemingly absorbed into the hood, drawn into the nothingness. Nothing escaped from the abyss behind the hood.

“But, we have another month and a half left. There is so much left to be done, so much I wanted to do. I wanted to bat Kingery in the cleanup position at least once,” Kapler said.

“The end waits for no season. I’m afraid this is quite final, and no amount of lineup tinkering is going to turn this around,” the figure said.

“I….I challenge you to a game of chess! One game. One more chance to get this right, to keep our hopes alive,” Kapler stammered.

“Very well,” the figure sighed.

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