So, you’ve decided to host a 4th of July barbecue at your house this year, Mr. or Mrs. John Q. American. To you, I say well done! There’s nothing more patriotic than inviting your closest family and friends over for an afternoon of overeating, day drinking, and blatant displays of jingoism that would make William Randolph Hearst blush.
But you can’t just expect to get a few hotdogs, a few hamburgers, and a warm case of domestic beer to pull this off. OH NO. You’ve got to go big, because that’s what America is all about, isn’t it? Gratuitous demonstrations of excess to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love this country oh so very much.
The Coggin Toboggan has helped you win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest and gotten you out of a fireworks jam in past 4th of July’s, so take advantage of these tips from the professionals to throw the barbecue of the century:
At this very moment, Nick Williams felt what every single Phillies fan felt last night while watching this beleaguered bullpen try to cough away yet another win after a stellar performance from Nick Pivetta.
The Phillies ended winning in 10 after blowing a 9th inning two run lead, but not before Williams took a ball off the outfield fence into the old schnozolla, resulting in a deluge of blood and several social media videos he’d likely enjoy being scrubbed from the internet….all of which you can see after the jump!
(Andrew Dice Clay voice) BALLS ACROSS THE NOSE….OHHH!
At the start of the season, the Phillies put out an interesting call on their social media platforms, asking for YouTube-submitted applications from left-handed fans who were interested in tossing batting practice during home games this season.
The Phillies found their man and he’s starting his job tonight, according to Bonnie Clark, vice president of communications with the team.
Shawn Senior, a resident of Cherry Hill, will toss left-handed batting practice before tonight’s game against the Atlanta Braves and will be on hand this season to throw before every home game.
The Phillies had over 400 applicants for the position and narrowed it down to seven finalists, Clark confirmed, before selecting Senior.
Senior has professional baseball experience, as he was drafted by the Boston Red Sox in 1993 and played for four seasons in their minor league system.
Over four seasons he won 38 games, lost 33, and had a 3.99 ERA, according to The Baseball Cube.
You can buy his minor league card for $1 on Amazon as we speak. Snatch it up, he’s going to be famous soon.
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The home opener went about as expected. Phillies beat a minor league Marlins squad 5-0 on a blustery opening day. Gabe got the ever loving shit booed out of him by the Phillies Phaithful, likely shedding manlytears behind the safety of his reflective aviator sunglasses as his muscular heart broke in twain. Nick Williams
But the most interesting nugget to come out of the home opener? Let Todd Zolecki fill you in on the new clubhouse routine after a win.
Fog machines? Lasers? Strobe lights? I’m sure that won’t get insanely irritating by May. If just one of those players in the clubhouse was epileptic it would be a DISASTER of shaky proportions.
The clubhouse is a 1970s Who concert, without the tragic trampling of hundreds of adoring fans.
But hold on a second here….there may be more to this than meets the eye. Is Gabe Kapler trying to tell us something?
……………………..What the hell was that?
No, really. What the hell did we just see? Fifteen pitchers used in the first two games of the season (an MLB record, one of the bad ones), which forced the Phillies to address the ALREADY TAXED bullpen (on game 2) by contemplating a roster move to bring up an additional pitcher for Saturday’s game.
Kapler trotted out to the mound over the weekend like a man who realized he had forgotten about cardio training for the last 15 years of his life.
But somehow, SOMEHOW that wasn’t even the worst part of the weekend. The worst part was watching Gabe Kapler’s brain fog over from inhaling too much fermented sloth piss (it does wonders to balance your Chi) before the game and summon Hoby Milner in relief for third inning during Saturday’s bloodbath DESPITE the lefty having not thrown a warmup pitch.
What was he expecting Milner to do, kick the ball to home plate? This led to crew chief Jerry Lane openly chastising Kapler for his incredible amounts of incompetence in managing the Phillies in the third game of his career.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen an umpire openly go into a manager on the record for putting his athletes in danger of being injured.
Good lord….look at this absolute DRECK that the Phillies smeared across the faces of their fans on opening day in 1998.
Passenger manifestos for crashed airline flights are less depressing than Philadelphia’s 1998 opening day lineup.
I don’t remember one detail of this Mark Lewis guy. You could have told me he played second base for the Philadelphia team on the NES classic Bases Loaded and I would have believed it. Whoever it was, I don’t think he had a historic run for the Fightins.
What was the average attendance per game this season? 8,000? 7,000? Did they let fans pinch hit in the later innings?
Does this check out? Did this guy named Desi Relaford actually play for the Phillies? He’s ranting and raving about how awful fans treated him during his “playing days” for the Phillies on some podcast, but god damn that name is not ringing a bell.
Does anyone remember this guy? Sure, those were some lean years for the Phillies, but the name Desi Relaford isn’t bringing anything to mind. He has to be lying, nobody could ever be THAT forgettable, or have been THAT worthless of a player to completely have dissipated from the ether of all Philadelphia sports fan conscious, right?
Let’s get to the bottom of this mystery.
Hold on a second, according to Baseball-Reference.com he played FIVE SEASONS for the Phillies? From 1996 to 2000? That cannot be right….five years for this team, nearly 1,200 plate appearances, 320 games, and he was the starting shortstop for two years?! WHAT?! Was he any good?
Phillies totals (5 seasons)
- .234 batting average
- 9 home runs
- 104 RBIs
- 22 stolen bases
- .315 OBP
- .328 slugging
- .643 OPS
- A -0.5 WAR OVER HIS 11 SEASON CAREER?! Why, it’s as if he never even existed in Major League Baseball!
Ok, so he decidedly was NOT a good ballplayer, but there’s no way he said anything TOO awful about the city? Right? RIGHT?!
Let’s check out his comments on the Jake Brown Show after the jump.