I’m calling it. Like Dr. Kevorkian told his nurse on their last case of the day, “Pull the plug and let’s get the hell out of here to beat the traffic.”
As the preeminent voice of the common Philadelphia sports fan I’m declaring March 1 as Bryce Harper Day. Punch and pie will be served, but the event is BYOC (bring your own cyanide).
I’ve had it. I’ve had it with the tweets, the speculation, the “hilarious” fake twitter accounts that claim to be in the “know” about Harper signing. The takes. The internet sleuths reading into Harper’s dumb tweets and every promotional photo of him like conspiracy theorist and the Zapruder film. Is he wearing a Phillies branded arm sleeve in that photo?! IS THAT A SHOOTER ON THE GRASSY KNOLL IN RIGHT FIELD?!
I’m sick of the will they-won’t they tension that gets annoying and stale in a sitcom after one season (I’m looking at you, “The Office”). Just fuck and get it over with.
March 1 is it. If Bryce Harper has not signed with Philadelphia by the new month please join me in declaring him dead to the city.