Now look. I’m not a big psychic guy. It’s my opinion and my opinion alone that psychics are nonsense and they exist purely to bilk honest, weak-minded, and often times devastate people out of their money for a “service” that has been proven time and time again to be bullshit.
But in times of dire crisis, no stone must be left unturned and every source must be exhausted for answers. Maybe someone who dances with the devil under the pale moonlight can give us a hint to where Bryce Harper will spend the next decade of his career?
Because let’s face it. Nobody but Bryce Harper (and the Lord) knows where Bryce Harper is going to sign this offseason, but that doesn’t stop pundits and MEN WITH SOURCES to tweet out every rumor and every inkling of movement ad nauseam to desperate fans begging for scraps of information like a starving dog in a morgue.
It’s exhausting. Jon Heyman has confirmed Bryce to half the league by now and he’s working on the other half this afternoon while pleasuring himself to a picture of Harper combing his hair. Howard Eskin’s sources have confirmed Harper to the AAF. Angelo Cataldi is readying a Philly Voice article criticizing the Phillies for either signing Harper or for not being able to successfully land him.
It’s enough to make you crazy. So in a moment of weakness, I turned to an unlikely source for salvation.
And he did not disappoint.
I reached out to Jesse Bravo, a psychic to the stars who has been featured on MTV, NY Times ,Wall Street Journal, and the ABC News, for answers. With over 127,000 (!) followers on Twitter, I figured this man may just be the hero Philadelphia needs right now.
He and he alone could reach his hands into the cold, gray plane of death and coax an answer to this very important question out of a wraith or spectral spirit. Certainly, as a psychic, he knows how much this means to our city.
I reached out yesterday and posted our conversation on Twitter. Jesse seemed a LITTLE standoffish at first.
Ok, fine, that’s to be expected. I may have come on a little strong. But, in fairness, it is a legitimate question that I think the spirits from the great beyond would be HAPPY to answer. All day long they’re bothered by psychics with questions from their surviving family members. Why didn’t you love me Daddy? Were you proud of me, Mom? Where did you put the TV remote before you hanged yourself? Run of the mill stuff they here every day.
It’s my opinion they’d be JAZZED to dip their ghostly tails back into the world of sports. Finally, something that really matters….lets gather up our chains and our tattered remains to find out where this bastard is going to sign.
But in all honesty Jesse didn’t seem too interested in helping us out at first. If only he knew what this meant to Phillies fans….he’d be saving so many of us if he could just share this crucial information. In a way, he’d be saving millions of lives across the Delaware Valley.
So I struck out again, and ladies and gentlemen, I think we have our answer.
How could I have been so obtuse….wise men nudge their students in a way to let them come to the answer themselves. Of COURSE he knew the answer to my question…his silence meant everything.
It is now later than Wednesday, Feb. 27, 8 a.m. Jesse has remained silent. You know what that means.
BRYCE HARPER IS SIGNING WITH THE PHILLIES. PSYCHIC JESSE BRAVO HAS CONFIRMED!
What a day! Harper to the Phillies, 100% confirmed by the spectral entities of the great beyond. Please, please share your thanks to Mr. Bravo on Twitter (@newyorkpsychic) and let him know how grateful we are that he could use his powers for good and give us all the hope that we desperately needed in this city.
Hell, buy those customized Bryce Harper jerseys, the t-shirts, and let Jesse know that you spent your hard earned money on his keen prediction that Harper will indeed sign with the Phillies.
Mr. Bravo, I doubted you, I really did, but you have given us all hope where there was once only darkness, and for that I salute you.
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