The Phillies are BACK baby. The crack of the bat, the smell of the outfield grass, all that that corny horseshit that hack sports journalists use in bad prediction articles a day before a 162 season begins without undertaking any research at all.

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT TO ME.

Who better to tell you what to look for and to make wildly incorrect predictions than someone who hasn’t been to a game in person since 2013 and watched less than 20 innings of baseball COMBINED last year.

But that’s never stopped us before. Like our vaunted 76ers prediction column (actually got a few right in that one if you don’t count all of our horrible Markelle Fultz predictions) we’re bringing you, the fan, 50 of our boldest predictions for the Phillies season.

1. Bryce Harper won’t hit a home run until the second week of the season.
2. He will hit the OVER in the 34.5 over/under mark for home runs this year.
3. I will hit the UNDER in games attended this year with the mark being 2.5.
4. Tommy Hunter will CRUSH the OVER in dollar dogs eaten on the season at 103.5.
5. Aaron Nola will win 20 games.
6. Rhys Hoskins will have Hector Neris pitch to him at this year’s home run derby and hit 95 home runs.
7. Neris will be sent down to the minors by June.
8. Harper’s walk up music at some point in the season will be “Hearts on Fire” by Vince DiCola.
9. Pat Burrell will come back to the city for a weekend and the Philadelphia birth rate will skyrocket in 9 months.
10. The new Liberty Bell will be soaked in piss by mid-April.
11. Odubel Herrera will hit .290 and make an All-Star team.
12. His batting average will fluctuate wildly throughout the year.
13. He’ll be benched at least three times for making boneheaded plays.
14. Maikel Franco will hit over 20 home runs.
15. The J.T. Realmuto trade will go down as one that benefits both teams in the long run.
16. Sixto Sanchez will pitch for the Marlins this season and will BEAT the Phillies at least once.
17. Howard Eskin will be the first media member to have his press credentials revoked by the Phillies for tweeting during a press conference.
18. The tweet will be horribly misspelled and done 100% on purpose so Eskin can draw attention to himself.
19. Angelo Cataldi will call for Gabe Kapler to be fired no later than July 1.
20. Cataldi will claim Kapler is the best manager in baseball when Kapler is in studio for an interview.
21. Kapler’s industrial vat of coconut oil will be depleted by April 21.
22. Hoskins will hit OVER 40 home runs.
23. A closer by committee approach to the season will not work, as always.
24. Seranthony Dominguez will clamp down on the closer’s role by the end of April.
25. David Robertson will make the All Star team as a setup man.
26. Scott Kingery will continue to irritate us all.
27. Cesar Hernandez will get hurt again.
28. The Bongo Cam will remain as the superior JumboTron entertainment.
29. Jean Segura will hit .280 with 17 home runs and steal over 25 bases.
30. Chances I fall asleep at one point during every Sunday afternoon game? 100%.
31. Roman Quinn will get his hand caught in the gears of a combine and miss the season.
32. Ben Davis will continue to annoy everyone. Si!
33. Tom McCarthy will be just as bland and pleasant as always.
34. Harper will be booed for the first time in April.
35. Andrew McCutchen will be a huge fan favorite.
36. If anyone on the Phillies uses “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus as their walk up music at some point this year I guarantee I’ll buy their jersey (or at least a shirsey).
37. We’ll still be waiting on the Nick Pivetta breakout season.
38.  I don’t really know who Jared Eickhoff is and at this point I’m too embarrassed to ask. Great player though. Hoping for a lot of …. hits?
39. The Phanatic’s whimsical capering will continue to amuse us all.
40. Chris Wheeler will do a surprise color commentary appearance during the season (“Let’s hit a few off the back foot and put up some crooked numbers today, gang. WOAH, look out down there, hope everyone is okay”)
41. Nobody on this team will win a Gold Glove.
42. After a slow start, we’ll get at least one hilarious clip from Cataldi claiming the Phillies “made a mistake” signing Harper.
43. Mike Missanelli will lie about watching the Phillies all year.
44. David Coggin will finally find out where I live and try to burn my house to the ground.
45. Bobby Abreu won’t get within 5-feet of the Phillies Wall of Fame.
46. Phillies WILL NOT win the NL East. The Nationals will win the division.
47. The Phillies WILL win one of the NL Wild Card spots.
48. The Phillies will win 89 games this year.
49. The Phillies will win the NLDS.
50. The Phillies will lose in the NLCS.

What a year it’s going to be. After reading these predictions I feel like you don’t even have to watch any of the games. Sorry for ruining the season for you.