So, the Flyers dropped a cryptic video onto their Twitter feed yesterday, strongly hinting at rumors that franchise would be introducing a mascot for the second time in franchise history.
A “hilariously” portrayed private investigator finds the mascot’s room deep in the bowels of the Wells Fargo Center, teasing out the reveal of the mascot to the excitement of literally nobody.
Does anybody actually want a Flyers mascot? Is this a good idea? Probably not. But, in the spirit of things, we’ll take a few guesses as to what the big reveal will presumably be this week.
Blobby – Just a big old amorphous orange blog with some figure skates strapped to its feet. Notice I said “it” as Blobby has no distinguishable male or female features, a point of emphasis the franchise wants to make very clear in this day and age. All the mascot does is undulate silently through the concourse on game day, taking uncomfortable selfies with confused fans and terrified children. The ice girls will push it along the ice during stops in the action for it to “entertain” the fans and destroy childish innocence throughout the city of Philadelphia.
Will likely be redesigned after night terrors spike sharply in the tri-county area.
Félix Jean Simard, the French Canadian Goalie prospect that is always two-years away from being the Flyers goalie of the future: Oh Félix Jean Simard, you will delight fans for years until they quickly realize that you will actually never come up to the NHL level and make any impact on the franchise at all, despite hearing about how great you are and how you will finally be the #1 goalie the Flyers have lacked since Ron Hextall. When it becomes painfully obvious that you will never have a future with the organization, you’ll be replaced by a new mascot, “Frederic Von Tallow,” an international defenseman nobody has ever heard about but Flyers fans will attach all their hopes and dreams too for years until he finally makes a roster and is a third line defenseman at best.
Slapshot: True story, but this is a mascot the Flyers debuted in 1976. He lasted for one season. I say bring him back, baby! Look at those glasses, that mischievous smile, that cocky, devil may care attitude….this son of a bitch EXUDES confidence and looks like he could put Radko Gudas through the glass if he wanted too. The costume is probably just lying around somewhere…throw Steve Coates in there, let him stumble around the ice for a few minutes each game and everybody will leave happy.
Anthony “Cuz” Gargano: Dawwwww bo, I’ve got nothing to do now, I’ve got all the time in the world to devote to the mascot craft, come on guy give a Cuz a break! I bleed orange, bo, the kids will love me! I’ll sweat all over the ice, I’ll eat some Primos, Bob Cooney will come out and dance around..it’ll be great! That Sidney Crosby is a hate the face guy, he’s no four for four guy, total fraud am I right HA HAAAAAAAA! Mikey Miss, what do you think bo? Bo? Mikey? That’s right…forgot he’s not here anymore cuz…fly Eagles fly, am I right? That’s an incredible meat! Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza! 97.5 told me I couldn’t do cold reads anymore unless I took the afternoon drive job, but I’m just spitballing and repping Philly hard. Bo! Daw! Gah!
(Sorry Ant. Find a job soon, sports radio is more fun with you around to tease)
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