If you didn’t see the news this morning, everyone’s favorite under performing fourth line center and Dave Hakstol darling Jori Lehtera is being investigated by Finnish authorities for his alleged role in a massive cocaine ring.
According to the article, Lehtera’s lakeside cottage was raided this summer by Finnish authorities for its possible connection to a cocaine ring. It’s unclear from the article (which is in Finnish) if any cocaine was found in the cottage. I assume cocaine usually isn’t found in Finnish lakeside cottages, unlike the various gnomes, sprites and elves that dot the region.
Lehtera had all of 8 points in 62(!) games for the Flyers last season and he looked slow as shit all year, so he obviously was not getting high off his own supply.
But, with the franchise possibly being awash in some fine Finnish yak, the presence of Gritty suddenly makes so much more sense.
Gritty is marvelous, a welcome addition to the Philadelphia sports landscape, but everyone who first laid eyes on that orange abomination had to think one thing:
“How the fuck did THAT get approved by the Flyers?”
Well now we have our answer. It was the pure, 100% uncut booger sugar Lehtera funneled through the halls of the Wells Fargo Center.
Gritty should be exhibit 1 and 1A if Lehtera is ever brought up on drug charges. There is no other possible explanation for such a design to ever be approved by sane members of a sports franchise looking to introduce a mascot to its fanbase.
Cocaine made Gritty possible. The design team was flying high on the yeyo and Gritty was born.
Design member 1: “And then…and then get this, it can be all orange, just covered in orange hair, with a HUGE orange beard and great big googly eyes. We can call it Gritty, oh man, oh JESUS CHRIST WE ARE ON TO SOMETHING HERE.
Design member 2: (SNIFFFFFFFFF) “FUCK ME THAT IS AMAZING. And how about this…a backstory. Gritty’s dad was Broad Street Bully who fucked a mop or something, we’ll leave it unsaid, but it will be CLEAR AS DAY.”
Design member 1: “WHAT WAS THAT!?”
::both breathe heavily, not speaking for minutes::
Design member 1: “It was my heart beating out of my chest. LET’S RUN WITH IT.”
Cocaine is indeed a hell of a drug, and we can all thank Lehtera for bringing Gritty into our lives.
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