Who will be next? Eagles fans have slowly drilled themselves into the brains of opposing NFC North fanbases the past two season, needling their way into the subconsciouses of fans and media as the franchise lays waste to playoff hopes and dreams.
Last year we drove Minnesota fans insane after a small traveling group of fans DARED to do the idiotic SKOL SKOL SKOL chant on the Art Museum steps before the mauling of their beloved Vikings hours later.
Their fans are STILL bitching more than a year later after the Eagles threw their fraud team in the garbage can on way to winning their first Super Bowl (in Minnesota, no less).
Look at this poor bastard. I’d wager he tweets about the Eagles at least once a week through tear-filled, reddened eyes.
I can get used to this. See you in New Orleans next Sunday.
Uh oh. Uh OH. UH OH……the Eagles have forced their way into the playoffs party and they’re ready to fuck some shit up.
Nobody wanted them in. Nobody thought they were coming in. Everyone was set for a calm and collected first round exit from Kirk Cousins, not a whole lot of mess, not a whole lot of fuss.
The Eagles threw a trashcan through the playoff window a la Cactus Jack and they’re looking for a piano to poop in to completely ruin the party for everyone else.
And that miracle is that we’re publishing our annual Festivus column TWO DAYS EARLY! In the words of Frank Costanza, I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT!
Festivus, as we all know, is where we gather our good friends and family together for a dinner, an entertaining feat of strength, and the ever popular Airing of Grievances.
What is the Airing of Grievances? I weep for you.
Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!
Why, the Airing of Grievances is your once chance a year to scream your disappointments to the heavens and not be judged for them.
But I am a lazy man, and I run a lazy, lazy blog. So that’s why I decided to farm out my work to the suckers (fans) that actually read the nonsense I spew all over this site. It’s the American way…when something is too daunting and too much work, you simply find the losers who will do the work for you and reward them with a mere pittance for their efforts.
LOVE YOU GUYS.
Let’s see the best grievances we received this year after the jump.
We’ve gone from the promise of being “a little bit stupid” in the offseason to the very public warning by Phillies president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail that landing either Bryce Harper or Manny Machado is not the end all be all for the future success of the franchise.
What a load of steaming horse shit.
And here we are, folks. For years Phillies fans have looked at 2019 as the year. Sure, we may suck now, Citizen’s Bank Park may be less than half full for 80% of all home games and we still have to watch Maikel Franco on a nightly basis, but 2019 is going to be different. Harper and Machado are ripe for the taking. The Phillies have little to no payroll, they’ve got a ton of money in their coffers, and John Middleton and Andy MacPhail are sick and tired of the losing.
Back up the Brinks truck, because we’ve got money to burn and forget about getting just ONE of those guys, hey, we may be “a little bit stupid” and sign both. Why not? IT’S THE NEW NORMAL, FOLKS, AND WE WILL NOT BE OUTBID.
Except it seems like the rest of baseball didn’t get the memo, and now the Phillies are scrambling to create the narrative that success is not dependent on signing EITHER Harper or Machado. As reported by Todd Zelecki at MLB.com, MacPhail certainly sounds like he’s taking proactive steps to convince fans that the franchise really didn’t need Harper or Machado in the first place.
The XFL. The PINNACLE of professional football in America. Such vaunted men of lore whose names are still spoken in hushed tones across the great gridirons in this fine country. Tommy Maddox! Mike Furrey! Uhh….uhhhh…..that He Hate Me guy! Remember him?! He was fun!
It’s a league steeped in fine football tradition….and wrestling. Please don’t forget about the wrestling.
So when I saw on Twitter that Vince McMahon would PERSONALLY be reading applications for coaches and players when the XFL kicks off again in 2020, well, I figured it would be my one shot at glory. Plus, they’re taking applications through LinkedIn, and guess who has a scarcely visited profile he created more than a decade ago……THIS GUY.
I’m not a sucker though. I’m 36, I still have plenty left in the tank, but I think these men, these WARRIORS would find my wisdom to be much more valuable than what I could do physically next to them on the XFL field. I have so much to teach….so why not be a coach? Also, my doctor told me if I sustain one more concussion I very well may fall into a deep, dark coma and never return, so this seems like a win-win on so many levels.
Check out my very real application to the XFL after the jump. You can apply here too if you like.
Found this on Twitter this morning while looking for Kendall Jenner’s Instagram post of the letter Ben Simmons wrote her after they broke up. Don’t worry, she crossed out Ben’s name in the letter so nobody would ever know it was him writing her a sappy letter spewed forth from the broken heart of a man who just wants to love a girl….THIS GIRL….right in front of him.
I guess it’s ok, she only has 100,000,000 followers on her IG account, so I’m sure nobody saw it.
(H/T to @STEVEJCLARK85 for posting this on Twitter)
Looking for the letter on Twitter, I stumbled across this conversation from European super fans of Harry Styles who are VERY nervous that their young crooner is trying to reignite the flame with ex-Jenner and who obviously have no idea who this boorish Ben Simmons fellow is.