Everyone hates Grayson Allen now…but guess what?
Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss!

Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss!

We’re not above the hate. Go fuck yourself Grayson Allen

It seems like Grayson Allen is the poster boy for the Duke championship last night and it has people in a furor throughout this country. Posts, tweets, articles are being written about the freshman who willed the Blue Devils to victory.

Every big basket out of nowhere, followed by his tinny scream and flex celebration made us at the Coggin want to put our fists through our televisions in our tin shacks. What a little smug piece of shit. God, of COURSE Coach K brought him in and we’ll have to watch him scream and smack the court for the next three seasons.

Now, at the Coggin we never wish ill will on a player, but I’ve never hoped for someone to lose his stroke more than I have with Grayson Allen. No physical harm, mind you, but perhaps he becomes a mental case like Chuck Knoblauch in the early 2000s when he couldn’t throw to first base and it ruined his career.

Can you imagine? Perhaps he has a day on the court where he notices he keeps hitting the top of the backboard. No matter what he does, he just can’t make a show. Hours of practice, one-on-one instruction with Coach K, intensive sports psychiatry, it just wouldn’t work.

It puts a smile on your face, the thought of it.

Get a better haircut as well, you Alfalfa looking piece of garbage.

Anthony Gargano co-hosts the afternoon drive with Mike Missanelli, fired from 97.5 FM
anthony-gargano

Oh well, fired again. Maybe Breakfast on Broad will be better?

Philadelphia, PA – In a surprise turn of events, Anthony Gargano, former sports talk radio host on 94.1 WIP for many years before his release in late 2014, co-hosted the afternoon drive with Mike Missanelli on 97.5 FM yesterday.

“We are here to change the face of Philadelphia sports talk radio! We are looking forward to entertaining Philadelphia fans for years to come!” Missanelli said. “And now I’m receiving word that Anthony has been fired. Anthony, please leave the studio right now.”

Gargano was then handed a shredded copy of his new contract and told to vacate the premises immediately.

“Hey, he gave it a good shot, but Gargano just didn’t cut it on 97.5 the Fanatic,” said Matt Nahigian, program direct for the station. “We felt we got a good enough overview of him as a potential host from his four hours of programming with us. Now get the hell out of here.”

Gargano, a self-proclaimed lover of meats, was escorted by security from the station’s premises before his belongings were strewn about One Bala Plaza. One of the guards punted a copy of Gargano’s book, “NFL Unplugged: The Brutal, Brilliant world of Professional Football” into a nearby creek before the fired host could pick it up off the ground.

The day was not completely lost, however, as Rob Ellis, former 94.1 WIP host and a former co-host with Gargano, offered him an internship on his new morning television show, Breakfast on Broad.

Ellis warned Gargano the position it would most likely only last a month or two.

“Oh, I fully expect the show to be cancelled by then,” a confident Ellis said.

Holy shit, did you guys hear about our NCAA correspondent, Robert Durst?
Who knew?!

Who knew?!

I can’t believe this, but did you guys hear about Robert Durst? If you’re familiar, he was a correspondent that we paid, handsomely I might add, to give us his thoughts on the NCAA March Madness tournament.

He had forwarded his resume to us before the tournament started and it looked legitimate. Professional handicapper? Check. Years of college basketball analysis? Check. A perfect bracket in the last two NCAA basketball tournaments? Check plus.

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Editor’s Note: An opening day tradition!
Sorry Phanatic, you're going to hell.

Sorry Phanatic, you’re going to hell.

I have read this article ever year on Opening Day for the past five seasons. It might be, and I quote, the single greatest thing I have ever read involving Christianity and Philadelphia baseball. Every single time I read it, I marvel at how much joy I’m able to garner from someone that has a vastly different worldview than I do.

Please, before reading the horrible things I have to say, go read it for yourself. It’s acceptable to be a Phillies Phanatic but a fanatic about Jesus? Not so much. by Lisa Small. 

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Fuck ya’ll, all ya’ll

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (18-58). Who is even on this team anymore?

To all you pieces of garbage that wanted us traded? FUCK YOU. LOOK AT US NOW, MOTHER FUCKERS.

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The Coggin congratulates Charlie Manuel! See how it all started
Yeeeee ha!

Yeeeee ha!

Charlie Manuel, the Coggin Toboggan salutes you. Not only are you our favorite Phillies manager of all time, you finally got that elusive Wrestlemania moment to truly cap off a fantastic career.

Relive Manuel’s road to Wrestlemania right here, and see how he made it to the greatest victory of his life over his former friend Ric “Nature Boy” Flair the past Sunday.

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Charlie Manuel finally captures his Wrestlemania moment
Yeeeee ha!

Yeeeee ha!

Santa Clara, Calif. – Battered and bloodied, Charlie Manuel could only smile to himself as he raised a bottle of Coors Lite to the 90,000 screaming fans celebrating his victory of Ric Flair this past Sunday afternoon at Wrestlemania 31.

The former Philadelphia Phillies manager toasted the fans as he stood triumphantly on the top turnbuckle, Flair still laying motionless on the canvas below him after the 45-minute iron man match finally concluded after Manuel had slapped the Nature Boy’s patented Figure-Four leg lock on him for nearly 5 minutes.

“I told him Ol’ Cholly didn’t take kindly to being double crossed. Maybe Naitch will think twice next time before he decides to interfere in my business again,” Manuel said, blood pouring from a 3-inch gash across his left eyebrow.

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Entire Phillies Roster: Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez most envied athlete in organization
The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

Philadelphia, PA – With the announcement that starting, relieving, and all around horrid Cuban pitcher Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez had been dumped from the 40 man roster, waves of jealousy started to ride through the remaining roster that learned they would be with the team on opening day.

“It’s just…I don’t know. Sure it’s an honor to be starting opening day, but there really is something to be said for a pitcher making $4 million this year and not having to play on this team,” starting pitcher Cole Hamels said, deeply sighing as he watched Gonzalez board a bus to the minor leagues.

“Sure it’s a demotion, but at least he’s still making millions of dollars. Hell, at least in Triple A you won’t have to deal with Ruben Amaro bragging nonstop about his fantasy baseball team. Jesus, Ruben, your team sucks. Ryan Howard in the second round? Art imitates life, I suppose.”

The pitcher will get to hone his craft in front of just a few thousand, die hard fans in Reading, Pennsylvania, instead of being booed on a daily basis by 30,000 angry Phillies fans each night.

“I really love Philadelphia, I do. But sometimes….I just can’t deal with Amaro anymore. Enough with him,” Chase Utley said, shrugging as he took batting practice. “I wonder if the Dodgers need a second baseman? Even if they do, I’m sure Amaro will bungle the deal and I’ll never get out there.”

Freddy Galvis took a more succinct approach to his opinion on Gonzalez.

“That mother fucker hit the mother fucking jackpot,” he grumbled.

As of press time, Carlos Ruiz was seriously considering throwing himself down the clubhouse stairs in hopes that he would damage an important ligament and would have to retire.

Phillies announce firing of Ruben Amaro Jr., new direction for organization

072113-amaro-slideshow-apPhiladelphia, PA – In a stunning move this morning, acting Phillies President Pat Gillick announced that GM Ruben Amaro Jr. has been let go from his contract. He cited years of down play from the team, questionable free agent signings and one of the worst trade records from any general manager in all of professional baseball.

“We felt this is what was best for the Phillies. For Ruben to take them from where they were in 2009 after I left and to have them be here…my goodness, why were we keeping him on for this long,” Gillick said.

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