Sam Hinkie

Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wonders if he can get in on this D’Angelo Russell action

Ohio State Buckeyes guard D'Angelo Russell (0) drives to the basket in the first half of the college basketball game between the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Maryland Terrapins at Value City Arena in Columbus, Thursday evening, January 29, 2015. As of half time the Ohio State Buckeyes led the Maryland Terrapins 34 - 26. (The Columbus Dispatch / Eamon Queeney)

Philadelphia, PA – Impressed by the workouts and positive attitude of Ohio State point guard D’Angelo Russell, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wondered if the Phillies could get in on some of this “sweet, sweet D’Angelo Russell action.”

“If the 76ers draft D’Angelo, could he come to a few of our games? Maybe shag some fly balls? He seems legitimately excited to potentially be playing for Philadelphia and we desperately need some positivity on this team. He seems like a bright young man, and someone who wouldn’t openly yell at Bob (McClure, Phillies pitching coach) about his inability to use the bullpen phone correctly.”

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76ers contact shadow organization to extradite Dario Saric from Turkey

Instanbul, Turkey – Citing what’s best for business, Sam Hinkie traveled to Istanbul today to meet with several underground figures in the back of a dimly lit, smoke filled Turkish bazaar to begin plans to extradite Dario Saric from his contract with Anadolu Efes S.K.

“You have a man that you want freed, we have a large debt that needs to be paid. I think we can work with each other in this regard,” said Aslan “The Lion” Myanabad. “The cost will be 3 million lira…but I warn you, the penalty for such a thing is many years in the Eskişehir (prison) and I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.”

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Editor’s Note: Call me Mr. Positivity

Yay sports!

A reader of the site told me today he’s noticed the Coggin Toboggan is nothing more than a hotbed of negativity, snark and depressing article after depressing article making fun of the Philadelphia sports scene.

Personally, I just don’t see it. Does he have a point? I don’t think so, but in order to be fair and to serve all of our readership, I figured I would dedicate an entire article to all the positive aspects of Philadelphia sports we as fans should not take for granted.

Sure, all of our teams right now are middling at best and this summer will be a wasteland of hard to watch baseball, manned by one of the most incompetent GMs in all of sports, but there ARE things we can enjoy in our sports scene. Why don’t we take a look, shall we?

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Sam Hinkie trades third overall pick for draft rights to Joel Embiid, may be slipping into the darkness

3…2…1….

Did it again. Hinkster out, bitches.

Philadelphia, PA – Mere moments after the conclusion of the draft lottery, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the trade of the #3 pick last night to the Los Angeles Lakers for the exclusive draft rights to Joel Embiid. Hinkie either forgot the athlete was already under team control or has started a slow descent into madness.

“We love what we see out of Joel. Yes, he did sit out all last year, but we feel he would have been the number one overall pick in this year’s draft,” Hinkie said, winking at a number of reporters and obsessively clicking a fountain pen in his hand.

At this point, it is unknown if Hinkie has another plan up his sleeve or has started to slowly buckle under the pressure of a very dedicated fan base.

Several reports have come in to the Coggin, detailing some odd behavior coming from Hinkie after the lottery. He was observed having a very loud and energetic discussion with a potted plant in the hallway of the Barclays Center, in which he described the fern as being “lazy” and “a blight on society.”

Further reports have come in this morning, claiming Hinkie hopped into a cab outside of the arena and demanded the flustered cabbie drive him to the Ottoman Empire, so he could make his fortune in the trade of exotic spices and silks.

The Coggin Toboggan contacted a media representative of the 76ers, who released the follow comment:

“Sam has been under a tremendous amount of stress lately and he has been taken away for a very long, and much needed rest. He will receive the best of care. We appreciate no further inquiries into his mental state as of this moment.”

As of press time, Hinkie was seen running down Broad Street in a strait jacket, being chased by several men with large butterfly nets.

Sam Hinkie concocts Ocean’s Eleven-esque caper to win NBA draft lottery

(For best effect, please listen to the song at the end of the article.)

Philadelphia, PA – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie, along with 10 other Philadelphia basketball legends, left for Brooklyn this morning in five non-descript black SUVs, having spent the past several weeks concocting a plan to assure the 76ers win the NBA draft lottery this evening.

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We’re going to the draft lottery, bitches

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

76ers current record: 0-0.

Fuck and yes, people, my boy Stinkie Hinkie notified us today and told us that we are going to be representing the squad at Tuesday night’s draft lottery. Nerlens will be there, of course, and I’ll be high, hi-topped and faded, and we’ll be watching those ping pong balls bounce to see where we land for the 2015 draft.

It’s going to be fabulous. The 76ers will be picking up the tab for our night out in Brooklyn. We’re going to take that hipster town over and see where we fall for the draft.

Either way, I hope we get to pick somewhere so we can draft my boy D’Angelo Russell from Ohio State. We hung out with my boy last week and he actually seemed PUMPED to come to Philadelphia. He kept talking about how he couldn’t “wait to see the Empire State Building” and “visit the Shivering Sea” and “walk over the Golden Gate Bridge” all in one day. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was talking about New York City, a fictional body of water in “Game of Thrones,” and San Francisco…literally none of those things are in Philadelphia.

That Ohio State education might not be working out for him.

Either way, we are going to get FUCKED up Tuesday night. I’m a little worried, though, that Furkan is going to tag along. Nobody will tell him he can’t come…if he shows up he’s going to get into the car and there’s no way he won’t ruin the entire broadcast.

He could provide some extra muscle, maybe intimidate Silver to give us a few extra ping pong balls. Fuck it, I’m calling him, Furkan and me are going to take this city by storm.

Go Sixers, baby!

Sam Hinkie escorted out of the Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams roast

Philadelphia, PA – A few weeks ago, 94 WIP held a roast for Philadelphia Phillies legends Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams at the Electric Factory, where the two alums were heckled for nearly an hour and a half by local comedians and some of their sports peers.

However, just a few clips on YouTube have emerged of the event, leading many to wonder why more highlights have yet to come out? Whispers and mumbles from the crowd at the roast have been slowly leaking out from the event, but very few concrete details have been confirmed.

What happened at this thing?

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It’s Friday the 13th. Who would be doomed? (hint: everyone)

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we’ll be safe in there.

If there’s one thing we love at the Coggin Toboggan almost as much as we love Philadelphia sports, it’s horror movies. Today, of course, is Friday the 13th, the infamous date of one of the longest running horror franchises in movie history. Hell, we’re up to 11 original movies and a reboot, with more in sight, so why not take a look at some local Philadelphia sports figures and give our best estimations on whether or not they’d survive one of the Friday the 13th movies?

We’ll just run this down list style, and after taking a look at some of these losers I don’t think there’s going to be much of a chance for any of them.

We’ve given this a lot of thought and have really looked at the following figures and their intangibles, so lets see who will survive and who will die a gruesome, gruesome death.

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Chip Kelly: Hinkie did what? God damnit…get me Foles and a whore that can dance

Chip Kelly, perhaps gone mad with power.

Philadelphia, PA – Hearing that 76ers GM Sam Hinkie seized the spotlight again, just one day after the Eagles completed a blockbuster trade that saw franchise running back Lesean McCoy shipped to Buffalo for linebacker Kiko Alonso, Chip Kelly was seen destroying his office at the Novacare Complex in front of a cowering Howie Roseman.

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76ers announce signing of Artie, the Strongest Man in the World

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

Having waived JaVale McGee late Sunday evening, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the signing of power forward Artie, The Strongest Man in the World.

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