Chip Kelly: Hinkie did what? God damnit…get me Foles and a whore that can dance

Chip Kelly, perhaps gone mad with power.

Chip Kelly, perhaps gone mad with power.

Philadelphia, PA – Hearing that 76ers GM Sam Hinkie seized the spotlight again, just one day after the Eagles completed a blockbuster trade that saw franchise running back Lesean McCoy shipped to Buffalo for linebacker Kiko Alonso, Chip Kelly was seen destroying his office at the Novacare Complex in front of a cowering Howie Roseman.

“He thinks he can just wrangle back the media attention from me? From the EAGLES, a day after I had this entire city in the palm of my hand? We’ll see about that…Roseman, quit blubbering and call Nick Foles in here, NOW,” Kelly screamed, pounding his fleshy hamfist hard into his fine oak desk. “And find me a girl of lower stock, one whom can dance!”

According to a group of reporters who had gathered in front of his office and observed the Eagles head coach and director of player personnel, Kelly put on his finest green visor, picked up a rotary phone and promptly traded Nick Foles to the San Jose SaberCats, a member of the Arena Football League.

“You’ve been traded to the SaberCats for a first round pick, that I assure you, will transfer over to our league,” Kelly said, swiveling around in his chair so as not to look at the frazzled quarterback that had entered his office. “Your Philadelphia privileges are hereby revoked. Be out of this complex in 30 minutes or, I assure you, your loved ones will never find your body.”

As of press time, a tattooed woman of the evening was serenading Kelly with her ukelele atop his desk as he showered her with Buffalo Head nickels.

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