Angelo Cataldi celebrates 25 years in Philadelphia

Rhea Hughes and Al Morganti pretending to enjoy Angelo Cataldi’s company.

Angelo Cataldi, host of the massively popular 94 WIP-FM Morning Show, celebrated his 25th anniversary in Philadelphia sports radio today. The popular radio host celebrated this morning alongside his longtime co-hosts Al Morganti and Rhea Hughes, as they took a look back on his nearly three decades of service to the station and his journey to become the top Philadelphia sports radio host of all time.

Lets celebrate Cataldi’s anniversary by taking a look back at some of his career highlights from the past 25 years:

– Angelo Cataldi originally applied for a position with the 610 WIP cafeteria staff, but the station GM misread the portion of his resume where he listed cooking “Radio Toast” under past experience and hired him as on-air staff.

– His longstanding feud with afternoon host Howard Eskin was squashed in 2010 when the two were found smooching in a back booth at Ponzio’s diner.

– Calls Morganti each morning to coordinate outfits.

– Was originally planning to cheer Donovan McNabb when selected by the Philadelphia Eagles in the 1999 draft, but reportedly changed his mind when McNabb stole his parking spot before the draft and insulted his pre-owned 1992 Dodge Neon.

– Originally pitched an annual event called the “Wing Bowel,” which would have seen competitors eat 100 chicken wings and then time how long they could hold off from going to the restroom.

– “The Angelo Cataldi Show” on Comcast Sportsnet had its highest ratings ever when 27 people tuned in to watch the episode where Bill Barber put Cataldi in a headlock.

– Co-host Keith Jones once found Cataldi eating a DiNics roast pork sandwich on a mens room toilet when he should have been conducting a live read for Steven Singer.

– Pretends he won’t turn on Chip Kelly the moment the coach fails to win a Super Bowl.

BREAKING NEWS: Eagles to make a run at “QB Eagles” in 2015 draft

The Philadelphia Eagles have significant interest in drafting QB Eagles (pictured above) from the Tecmo Super Bowl league.

Philadelphia PA – Reports from an unnamed source are saying Chip Kelly and the Philadelphia Eagles are planning on making a historic run at the heavily vaunted “QB Eagles,” who declared his eligibility for the draft after a 24th consecutive dominant season in the Tecmo Super Bowl league.

Currently picking 20th, NFL draft guru Mel Kiper said it would take a significant haul for the Eagles to leapfrog up to number 1 or number 2 in order to select the talented quarterback.

“I don’t see the Eagles having enough bullets in the chamber to move up. I think they’d need to offer a package of at least their next two first round picks and maybe even Fletcher Cox to rise in the draft,” he said.

Kelly made it no secret earlier in the season when he praised QB Eagles for his unique ability to zig-zag through hapless defenders and his odd, but effective, habit of running all the way back to his one-yard line before launching a perfect spiral 100 yards into the waiting hands of a wide receiver.

QB Eagles demonstrating one of his trademark touchdown celebrations.

Perhaps the only knock on QB Eagles is his perceived immaturity and penchant for showboating, as after almost every touchdown he performs an exaggerated fist pump in the face of the opposing defenders or leaps into the waiting arms of an offensive lineman, finger pointing triumphantly in the air.

“Really, the only prayer the Eagles would have of QB Eagles dropping to them at their current position is if Bo Jackson from the Los Angeles Raiders declared himself eligible for the draft,” Kiper added.

The CT will update its readers on more news as it develops. Also, the CT acquired an organizational scouting report on QB Eagles, which can be read below.

OBSCURE PHILADELPHIA ATHLETE OF THE WEEK: Corie Blount

Corie Blount! Philadelphia 76ers power forward from 2001-2002. Larry Brown knew he needed one more cog to push the 76ers over the hump after bowing out in the 2001 championship round against the Lakers, but my-oh-my Corie Blount was not that cog. The 33-year-old waste of space had one and only move whenever his stone hands actually caught a pass, a blind, horrible turnaround jump shot that usually found itself bouncing off the skull of a fan in the fifth row of the First Union Center.

Blount appeared in 72 for the Sixers (somehow starting 21 of them) for the defending Eastern conference champions and did not dazzle. He averaged 6.5 points a game and less than a block a game, but to his credit he did average about 9 rebounds a game, most of them quickly followed up by a turnaround jump shot off the top of the backboard or an errant pass clanging off the scoreboard of the First Union Center.

Blount did lead the team in one key category….most times being called a “Waste of space hack” by Allen Iverson, averaging about 6.3 times per game.

Corie Blount Fun Facts:

– Blount was sentenced to one year in an Ohio prison in 2009 for marijuana possession. He did not see the irony in his arrest which cost him serious votes in the “High Times” Man of the Year award.

– Shoved into a locker by Dikembe Mutombo after every single home game.

– Unsuccessfully tried to get his teammates to call him and Iverson by the dual nickname, “The Answer and the Question.” Was shot down by Aaron McKie after he reportedly said, “The only question I can think of is why you’re still on this team.”

– Lost to a 14-year-old fan in a halftime “Layup, free throw, three point shot” contest. Was stuck on the free throw portion for 25 shots.

– Attended one of Pat Croce’s pirate ship dive excursions during the all-star break. Was left in the middle of the Pacific Ocean after Croce “forgot” he was still underwater. Made it back to the team for the start of the second half of the season, to the disappointment of everyone.

God checks in, sets the record straight on Seahawks victory

The Afterlife – Following an after game interview that saw Seattle Seahawks’ Quarterback Russell Wilson break down and thank God for leading him to victory, a livid God checked in with the CT through a series of emails and denied he had anything to do with the Seahawks victory.

“Do you really think I would have let a Patriots/Seahawks Super Bowl? Really?” The lord and savior said in an email. “I thought I made it quite clear to Russell when he threw four interceptions on the day that I in no way wanted him to succeed. You suck Wilson.”

God stressed he would not have thrown his holy weight behind the Seahawks if he wanted to endear himself more to the people of earth.

Continuing a horrid NFL weekend, God also confirmed that he lost a “shitload” of money on the Colts after the 45-7 drubbing against the Patriots.

“Chuck Pagano survives cancer and he goes out like this? I had nothing to do with that one, people, let me make that clear,” he said. “Sounds like that was right up Buddha’s alley. You know him and his ‘if people expect only happiness in life, they will be disappointed’ teachings. He’s a cool guy, don’t get me wrong I like him a lot, but teach your people a lesson when the Jehovah doesn’t have some sweet action on the game, come on man.”

God confirmed that he would not be in attendance at the Super Bowl and if New England wins another championship, the world would be thrown into 500 days of complete darkness.

BREAKING NEWS: Penn State victories restored, Joe Paterno still dead

Happy Valley, PA – Earlier this week, the NCAA declared all 112 Penn State football victories would be restored following the wins being thrown out amid the Jerry Sandusky scandal. With the wins being restored to the record books, longtime PSU head coach Joe Paterno is again the winningest college football head coach of all time.

When reached for comment in an ethereal plane not of this world, Paterno confirmed he was still dead.

“Oh, all of my victories were restored? Hey, that’s just great,” a whispy visage of Paterno muttered. “You guys know I’m dead, right? Been dead for two years now, don’t think that’s going to change.”

As part of the deal, Penn State has agreed to commit $60 million to programs to prevent child sexual abuse. There have also been discussions to bring the legendary Joe Paterno statue back to the school’s campus, where it was removed after officials determined Paterno didn’t do enough to prevent the heinous activities by assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

“Just super. I’m dead. My last memories were of you vultures around my home, yelling questions at my scared wife and tarnishing my legacy. But hey, those 112 wins that I was present for are going to count. Fucking great,” Paterno said, shaking the legions of chains around his hunched shoulders at the huddled reporters.

“Oh, but it’s all good now. My statue is going back up, so students can make jokes about my finger up in the air. Thanks a bunch, fellas,” he muttered, as he slowly trudged back into the netherworld.

“I can’t wait to haunt the shit out of you losers.”

BREAKING NEWS: Insufferable prick, 9-11 Truther lead teams to the Super Bowl

Philadelphia PA – Football fans across the country watched on in horror as Bill Belichick, an asshole of immense proportions and well known prick, and Pete Carroll, a 9-11 truther and all around hunk of shit, respectively led the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots to an appearance against each other at Super Bowl XLIX.

Insufferable prick Bill Belichick, who is no doubt receiving stolen information to win another crucial game to the disgust of millions.

NFL fans could only watch and suffer through both games, as the Packers squandered away a last minute lead to lose in overtime and the Patriots dominated the Colts for four quarters.

“Hey look, it’s not like the Packers are that great and I don’t know a ton about (head coach) Mike McCarthy, but I do know one thing…they’re not the fucking Seattle Seahawks,” said Patrick Mooney, a Cleveland arc-welder who dourly sat through both games. “And Bill Belichick, god I’d love to kick the teeth out of his head. Fuck, what the hell am I going to do for the Super Bowl? This sucks.”

Belichick, hands stuffed in his ratty Patriots hoodie for 99% of the game, scowled his way through a New England blowout of the Indianapolis Colts and sullenly tromped around the Patriots sidelines, never once looking like he was enjoying himself or showing one ounce of emotion. Millions of football fans throughout the country smashed remotes against household walls, declaring him a “cunt of epic proportions” and in all likelihood a “no good piece of shit cheater,” no doubt referencing the 2007 Spygate controversy.

Noted piece of shit Pete Caroll, probably thinking about how the U.S. government engineered 9-11.

Carroll was not better received across America, as he mugged and celebrated for cameras after Russell Wilson threw a game winning touchdown to Jermaine Kearse in overtime of the NFC championship.

“He probably celebrated by watching Loose Change for the millionth time, god what a jackass,” said Tom Schwartz, an engineer from New York City, referencing the now debunked 9-11 truther documentary. “He thought 9-11 was an inside job and coaches one of the most hated teams in this country. God, I hope the 12^th man stomps his head in one day when they suck again.”

Collective heads were held in hands across the country as the dim realization of two of the most hated teams in the league would be appearing in the final football game of the year.

“Who do I want to win? I think we’d all win if a 747 crashed into the Phoenix stadium and took out all of those losers,” said Chris Johnson, who threw a bottle of Wild Turkey against his wall and staggered outside of his home, where he promptly passed out on his front lawn.

However, as of press time, it was noted that moods throughout the country lifted slightly as fans realized that at least the Dallas Cowboys would not be in the Super Bowl.

BREAKING NEWS: Charlie Manuel declares entry into WWE Royal Rumble

Charlie Manuel, all fired up for his return to the squared circle at the 2015 Royal Rumble.

Philadelphia, PA – During a hastily called press release, former Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel declared he would be an official entrant into the 2015 WWE Royal Rumble, scheduled to be held at the Wells Fargo Center on Sunday, Jan. 25.

The annual event features 30 WWE wrestlers competing in an “over the top rope” competition to determine the number 1 contender for the WWE Championship, currently being held by Brock Lesnar.

Manuel, a lifelong wrestling fan, declared the event as a real “hoot” and vowed to knock some skulls during his time in the squared circle.

“My good friend Ric Flair always told me, ‘To be the man, you have to beat the man,’ and I always took that to heart,” Manuel said while he lacing up his red and blue boots.

The feisty manager hopped into a nearby ring and began squaring off with local wrestler Necro Butcher, a member of the Philadelphia wrestling promotion CZW, which was featured in the popular 2008 movie “The Wrestler.”

“Don’t you go using any of that shit extreme wrestling on me, this is a gentleman’s sport,” Manuel said, seconds before throwing salt into the grizzled wrestlers eyes and dispatching him with a picture-perfect knife-edge chop to the delighted “WOOOOOOOSSSS!” of the reporters on hand.

“Old Bob Backlund taught me this one…watch out now son!” Manuel said, ducking a chair shot from the Butcher and slapping him in Backlund’s patented cross-faced chicken wing submission maneuver.

The Necro Butcher, moments before being taught a thing or two by Good Ol’ Cholly.

Manuel then grabbed a kendo stick – otherwise known as a Singapore Cane popularized by former ECW great The Sandman – from ringside and cracked the bamboo rod over Necro Butcher’s skull, easily putting him down for the three-count pin.

“That’s how you do it, you sum’bitch. Never let your guard down against old Cholly. I’m the dirtiest player in the game,” Manuel said, standing above the unconscious wrestler. He exited the ring, but not before sending a stream of tobacco juice into Necro Butcher’s face.

Manuel then pointed at a Wrestlemania 31, indicating his desire to be in the biggest wrestling event of the year.

This will not be the first appearance of a Philadelphia Phillies representative in the annual wrestling competition. Former Phillies GM Ed Wade was entrant number 15 in the 1998 Royal Rumble, wrestling in his decades old high school singlet. He was dispatched by Cactus Jack 30 seconds into his entry, receiving a steel chair shot to the dome and tumbling out of the ring.

Hinkie signs deceased, former NBA great to contract

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

The 76ers have announced their intentions to sign the corpse of Manute Bol to a 5-year contract, dependent on his ability to claw himself out of his coffin before the All-Star break.

Age – 47 at time of death.

Height – 7’7

Current status – Dead

Pros – Has NBA ready experience, but hasn’t stepped on a court or terra firma for more than five years. Still possesses fabulous length, but limbs and height may have atrophied since he left this plane of wordly existence. Yet to be seen if he’ll take on the characteristics of the undead from a George Romero movie or 28 Weeks Later … could be a major advantage for team if he commits to a 28 Weeks Later role, as speed and agility would certainly increase.

Can still knock down the occasion three-point shot from beyond the grave. He cannot be worse than Samuel Dalembert, who is still in the NBA.

Cons – Teammates could possibly be distracted by stench. Will not stop talking about brains and a desire to consume them. May be too amazed by his resurrection to fully commit to basketball duties on and off the court. Fingernails and hair continued to grow after death, so a trim and a shave is a necessity.

Outlook – Despite his death, Bol still possess Grade-A height and could serve as a mentor for Nerlens Noel, as he did for Shawn Bradley back in 1994. It remains to be seen how rising from the grave will effect his defense, but it should not be an issue. He needs to improve scoring and suppress his desire to shamble into the crowd and feast on delicious brains of the fans.

However, desire to eat brains could work itself into a favorable team contract, as brains do not count against the salary cap.

BREAKING NEWS: Ruben Amaro Jr. announces Phillies will embrace new technologies

Mandatory Myspace pages for players, employees, according to the Phillies GM.

Philadelphia, PA – Ruben Amaro Jr. revealed earlier today the organization will begin to embrace new, advanced statistics, scouting techniques and analytics by signing each and every one of its players and organizational employees on to MySpace before the starts of the 2015 season.

Amaro touted the “new technology” as being easy to use, cost effective and fun.

“I firmly believe this will give us a leg up as an organization and help us cast aside the notion that we’re antiquated and stodgy,” Amaro said. “I personally hired an outside IT firm to set up accounts for each player and employee, and we will be requiring daily, mandatory posts on each account and at least one favorite song posted to each wall.”

When asked how much he paid the firm for the set up, Amaro said it was in the “neighborhood of about $5 million. It’s a one-time only installation fee, coupled with an annual maintenance contract of just $750,000.”

Amaro asked reporters to crowd around his Imac as he logged onto his new account, giving them a preview of the future of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Amaro’s homepage was decorated with a number of Phillies emblems, a picture of the 2008 World Series trophy, and a photograph of his pet cat, Marmalade. A midi version of “Camptown Races” automatically began to play upon his logging in.

“Can you imagine how much time this will save our scouts? Why go out to a game, when prospects can just send us highlights online?” he said.

The only post on Amaro’s wall not written by the GM himself was from Phillies radio announcer Larry Andersen.

“Hey Rube, I heard the Red Sox want you to come up to Fenway tonight to discuss a trade for Howard. They told me they’ll give you three butts and a fart to be named later. LOLOLOLO you suck fruit!” the message simply read.

As of press time, Amaro had only two confirmed friends, and was awaiting responses on 6,743 users.

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! (and Rob Konrad)

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal, Philadelphia Flyers?! You have the top two scorers in the league, yet you’re floundering around in your division worse than Rob Konrad in the Atlantic Ocean! If Bobby Clarke were still the GM, you know he would have traded Claude Giroux for Martin Brodeur and Al MacInnis by now to “change the attitude” of the team.

But what is the deal with this Rob Konrad guy? Sure, you allegedly “fell” off your boat trying to reel in a fish, just like Michael Richards said he allegedly told those people in the comedy club they had “chiggers” in their hair. It just doesn’t add up! One jellyfish sting and you would have sank to the bottom of the ocean, something’s not right here!

Does anyone believe this story?! What’s the deal?! 17 miles in the ocean and you’re able to swim to shore with just a mild case of hypothermia? That’s like Jason Alexander snorting an 8-ball of coke and arriving at the hospital with just a mild case of brain damage, it just doesn’t add up. What’s the deal?!

Come on Flyers, try to string together a few wins before one of your defensemen or goalies get hurt again. What’s the deal with these fragile professional athletes getting hurt every two seconds?! Steve Mason kicks his leg out for a save one minute, and the next he’s flopping around on the ice like a clubbed baby seal.

The Rob Konrad story reminds me of a Seinfeld episode Larry David pitched me once that never saw the light of day. It was going to center around myself, Elaine, Kramer and George enjoying a cruise from Long Island to the Bahamas, until Kramer convinced the captain to let him guide the ship into port because he had a better route and ran us all aground on a coral reef. Well, 2,000 souls perished in the episode, including George, and just left the remaining three on a life raft with the bloated corpse of Costanza to keep us company.

I kept telling him that we couldn’t kill off a main character, but he told me it wouldn’t be retconned. I still don’t know what that means.

David never did finish the script, though he did allude to Elaine buckling first and succumbing to cannibalism. He wrote a harrowing scene of her doing little kicks in a life raft, eating George’s detached foot with blood running down her face…It was a bit of a downer on second thought, but still would have been better than the finale.

What’s the deal?!