BREAKING NEWS: Penn State victories restored, Joe Paterno still dead

21PSU_1229_JRHHappy Valley, PA – Earlier this week, the NCAA declared all 112 Penn State football victories would be restored following the wins being thrown out amid the Jerry Sandusky scandal. With the wins being restored to the record books, longtime PSU head coach Joe Paterno is again the winningest college football head coach of all time.

When reached for comment in an ethereal plane not of this world, Paterno confirmed he was still dead.

“Oh, all of my victories were restored? Hey, that’s just great,” a whispy visage of Paterno muttered. “You guys know I’m dead, right? Been dead for two years now, don’t think that’s going to change.”

As part of the deal, Penn State has agreed to commit $60 million to programs to prevent child sexual abuse. There have also been discussions to bring the legendary Joe Paterno statue back to the school’s campus, where it was removed after officials determined Paterno didn’t do enough to prevent the heinous activities by assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

“Just super. I’m dead. My last memories were of you vultures around my home, yelling questions at my scared wife and tarnishing my legacy. But hey, those 112 wins that I was present for are going to count. Fucking great,” Paterno said, shaking the legions of chains around his hunched shoulders at the huddled reporters.

“Oh, but it’s all good now. My statue is going back up, so students can make jokes about my finger up in the air. Thanks a bunch, fellas,” he muttered, as he slowly trudged back into the netherworld.

“I can’t wait to haunt the shit out of you losers.”

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