Nittany Lions

Isn’t it time Penn State honors Joe Paterno again?
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A real Penn State hero.

It seems like, oh, less than a week since the last time Penn State honored former coach Joe Paterno for putting the university’s football program on the map and ignoring (and possibly hiding) a horrendous, decades long sexual assault scandal of hundreds of children by his assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

Isn’t it about time Penn State honors Joe Pa again?

Come on! It gives the sycophants in the football program ANOTHER reason to trot out the old memories of their beloved coach, while it gives the rest of us, the sane people who don’t support a man who turned a blind eye to his assistant coach ruining the lives of hundreds of children and their families, a chance to again express our outrage that this man is still being held up as a pillar of the university and community.

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Sculptors frantically trying to figure out who Joe Paterno resembles

jp10webHappy Valley, PA – Following a breaking news report that claimed deceased longtime Penn State Head football coach Joe Paterno had been informed in 1976 of inappropriate sexual misconduct between Jerry Sandusky and a young boy, two sculptors who created two replica Paterno statues held an emergency brain storming session to determine which celebrity Paterno resembled most closely.

The original statue, commissioned and created in 2001, had been destroyed in 2012 following the rampant sexual abuse case levied against Paterno’s assistant coach Sandusky.

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BREAKING NEWS: Penn State victories restored, Joe Paterno still dead

21PSU_1229_JRHHappy Valley, PA – Earlier this week, the NCAA declared all 112 Penn State football victories would be restored following the wins being thrown out amid the Jerry Sandusky scandal. With the wins being restored to the record books, longtime PSU head coach Joe Paterno is again the winningest college football head coach of all time.

When reached for comment in an ethereal plane not of this world, Paterno confirmed he was still dead.

“Oh, all of my victories were restored? Hey, that’s just great,” a whispy visage of Paterno muttered. “You guys know I’m dead, right? Been dead for two years now, don’t think that’s going to change.”

As part of the deal, Penn State has agreed to commit $60 million to programs to prevent child sexual abuse. There have also been discussions to bring the legendary Joe Paterno statue back to the school’s campus, where it was removed after officials determined Paterno didn’t do enough to prevent the heinous activities by assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

“Just super. I’m dead. My last memories were of you vultures around my home, yelling questions at my scared wife and tarnishing my legacy. But hey, those 112 wins that I was present for are going to count. Fucking great,” Paterno said, shaking the legions of chains around his hunched shoulders at the huddled reporters.

“Oh, but it’s all good now. My statue is going back up, so students can make jokes about my finger up in the air. Thanks a bunch, fellas,” he muttered, as he slowly trudged back into the netherworld.

“I can’t wait to haunt the shit out of you losers.”