BREAKING: Mike Richards waived by LA Kings, Holmgren physically restrained

Holmgren, no doubt thinking of adding a 12th year to another high-priced contract.

Philadelphia, PA – Two-time Stanley Cup Champion Michael Richards was waived this afternoon by the LA Kings, which resulted in full-blown panic in the offices of the Wells Fargo Center.

“Oh god, oh god has anyone seen Paul? His checkbook isn’t in his desk and his cellphone is gone, we have to find him before he makes a huge mistake,” Philadelphia Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall reportedly yelled, as he tore through the stadium to try and find the current Flyers president.

Employees were on high alert with the news this morning. A longstanding rule is in effect for employees to find, restrain and detain former Flyers GM and now president Paul Holmgren whenever high priced, declining stars are released from their teams.

Disaster almost struck last year when an employee found Holmgren negotiating a $20 million, five-year deal with former Flyer John Leclair.

Richards, wondering if Holmgren will add the 12th year to his new deal.

Paul Holmgren signed then captain Richards to a 12 year, $69 million contract in 2008. Three years into the deal and an overall decline in production, Richards was traded to the LA Kings for Wayne Simmonds, Brayden Schenn and a second round draft pick.

Richards went on to win two Stanley Cup championships with the Kings, despite never reclaiming his top-level play.

Hextall reportedly found Holmgren being restrained by several members of the Flyers ice-team, who had smashed his Blueberry and had confiscated his check book.

“He was fervently trying to dial up Richards when we found him, thank goodness we got here in time,” Hextall said.

Hextall thanked the employees and reminded them to keep an eye on the waiver wire if/when Ilya Byzgalov is release by the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.

BREAKING: Ric Flair betrays Charlie Manuel at Royal Rumble

Charlie Manuel, during happier times.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a stunning, 90-minute run as the iron man of the Royal Rumble, Charlie Manuel was poised for victory at the 28th annual event, but moments before he could dispatch the final competitor and capture the number one contender status for Wrestlemania, Ric Flair’s music blasted through the PA system at the Wells Fargo Center.

Holding Roman Reigns by the head, Manuel watched his longtime friend Ric Flair saunter out to ringside, who then reached out his hand for a seemingly congratulatory handshake. When he grabbed Manuel, he jumped backwards from ringside, dragging the former Phillies manager over the top rope, giving the victory to Reigns.

A visibly shaken Manuel could only watch from outside the ring as Flair celebrated with the new number one contender.

“I’m angrier than a pig in a poke, I’ll tell you something,” Manuel said, a cold Budweiser clutched in his gnarled hand as he recovered in the locker room.

Manuel had a brilliant run, setting the ring on fire as the number 5 entrant, clearing competitors with a black Mizuno baseball bat he carried into the match. Perhaps his greatest moment was the elimination of the Big Show, after he spat a stream of tobacco juice into the giant’s eyes, blinding him, before clotheslining him over the ring.

However, in the end it was all for naught.

When asked for comment on his betrayal, Flair just smiled and donned a pair of Ray Ban glasses.

“Ol’ Charlie knows what he did to deserve this…you don’t mess around with the jet flying, high styling Nature Boy and get away with it. WOOOOOO.”

Reports: Milwaukee Brewers interested in Jonathan Papelbon’s glove

Jonathan Papelbon with his glove currently involved in trade negotiations.

Jonathan Papelbon with the glove currently involved in trade negotiations.

Milwaukee, WIS – Reports began flooding the CT offices this morning, as trade discussions between the Milwaukee Brewers and Philadelphia Phillies are coming full steam. The Brewers are reportedly interested in acquiring Jonathan Papelbon’s glove, with several sources claiming the Brewers are willing to pay “upwards of $50” for the black Wilson A2K glove.

“We will not refute the rumors being published by the media. We are interested in acquiring Papelbon’s glove,” said Doug Melvin, GM of the Brewers. “I am currently negotiating for the rights to the glove with Ruben, and we hope we can reach an agreement soon. Spring Training is starting soon, and we really feel one more glove will put us over the top.”

In 2014, the Brewers were only in possession of 9 gloves, which had to be shared amongst the Milwaukee athletes as they were substituted into each game.

Carlos Gomez infamously refused to enter a late inning game last season, as he didn’t want to use the one left-handed glove on the team.

The glove would up the teams total to 10. The Brewers are still allegedly in the market for a catchers glove as well, as Jonathan Lucroy was forced to used an infielders glove behind the plate for the entire 2014 season.

Jon Heyman for CBS Sports reported earlier this morning that talks for the glove had stalled, when Amaro apparently balked at Melvin’s request that a case of sunflower seeds be included in the deal.

“The Phillies are asking for $50 and an authentic ‘Hank the Dog’ water bowl in exchange for the glove,” Heyman said. Hank the Dog is the unofficial mascot of the Brewers.

UPDATE:

Ruben Amaro Jr. caved and agreed to trade the glove and the rights to Jonathan Papelbon for $10.

Hinkie inks Buddhist death god to eternal contract

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

The 76ers announced late tonight, after consulting an ancient text and several once-forgotten runes known only to the old men of earth, the signing of Mrtyu-mara, a traditional death god in the Buddhist religion.

Age – Eternal.

Height – 5’2

Current status – Existing on an ethereal plane known only to a chosen few who have obtained Nirvana.

Pros – Once tempted the god Buddha to forgo his quest for enlightenment underneath the bodhi tree with carnal delights and earthly pleasures, but our scouts assure us this can be chalked up to immaturity and a young roster. Veteran presence will help keep him in line. Is squat but powerful, not afraid to get his fangs dirty in the trenches. Has four arms, which lends itself to an A+ reach and impactful defensive presence.

Cons – Owns a snake which he carries onto the court. Has six eyes and a face painted on his stomach, so maturity is an issue with this one. Is known to be a bit of a tempter in his previous clubhouse, often convincing his teammates to forget about putting in the hard work and quitting to lead a life of leisure.

Outlook – Definitely worth a flyer if we can convince him that Hinkie will not honor a blood contract. Could definitely help on the defensive end and may convince a few of the other better opponents to skip out on their teammates for their own selfish desires. Must improve three point percentage and keep snake from spitting venom into the first several rows of the crowd.

Ruben Amaro Jr. busted for looking into deflating baseballs

Philadelphia PA – A sheepish Ruben Amaro Jr. faced a contingency of sports media personnel this afternoon after a Phillies employee anonymously released a record of Amaro’s internet history to The Coggin Toboggan.

Amaro apparently accessed the “Ask Jeeves” search engine around 1 p.m. this afternoon and spent roughly three hours searching variations of “deflated baseballs,” “how to deflate baseballs,” and “advantages to deflating baseballs.”

“I truly apologize for my behavior today. I’m a dedicated leader of this baseball organization, and I guess I just got caught up in trying to give us any possible advantage to help us win some ballgames,” Amaro Jr. said. “I saw the New England Patriots were charged with deflating balls this weekend and the advantage it posed for them, so I wondered if we could possibly use it ourselves.”

Amaro Jr. put on a stern face and pursed his trembling bottom lip, trying to hold back tears.

“But I want to firmly deny that we have ever deflated baseballs in the past. This is firmly on me.”

In addition to his queries on how to deflate baseballs, The CT also learned Amaro Jr. conducted the following searches:

– “Is Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn a free agent this year?”

– “Possible advantages to installing springs on bottom of cleats? IE: Spring shoes?”

– “Magical properties of lightning strikes on baseball bats.”

– “What is Grindr and why does Larry Andersen keep telling me I should sign up for it?”

Amaro Jr. then concluded his press release and was seen walking back into clubhouse with a gigantic wooden crate labeled “Flubber.”

Best/Worst of the 76ers vs. New York Knicks

The Philadelphia 76ers fell to the Knicks last night, 98-91, in something that “technically” was defined as a basketball game, but onlookers couldn’t confirm. The two basement dwelling teams of the Eastern Conference entertained dozens and dozens of fans at the Wells Fargo Center.

Here were the best and worst aspects of the game for each team.

Best:

– Nerlens Noel, not participating in the game due to an upper respiratory illness, had his best plus/minus point differential of the season with a 0, up from his season average of -35.

– Robert Covington successfully attempted a left handed layup, something he had been practicing all week.

– All fans received 50% off a large Papa Johns Pizza following the game, due to the 76ers scoring over 45 points.

– To the delight of everyone in attendance, former mascot Hip Hop was brought back for one night only and drawn and quartered at halftime.

– Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks intelligently shook off his recent injury knee injury to play in a pivotal early season match up between a 7-36 team and an 8-34 team.

Worst:

– For the 10th game in a row, Furkan Aldemir menacingly brandished a scimitar at a Wells Fargo vendor for not providing him a jug of fermented ox blood during a first quarter timeout.

– 76ers public announcer Matt Cord continues to provide play-by-play action over the Wells Fargo PA system during each game.

– 76ers great Moses Malone was introduced as a special guest before tip-off, and walked out onto the court while flipping off the crowd with both hands.

– Fans were subjected to watching the 76ers for the 20th home game in a row.

Bobby Hoying somehow elected to 2015 NFC Pro Bowl team

Bobby Hoying, probably coked out of his mind.

Phoenix, AZ – in a surprising turn of events, former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying, who has not played a snap in the NFL since being released by the Oakland Raiders in 2001, was selected first overall last night by Team Cris Carter in the 2015 Pro Bowl draft.

“This can’t be correct…Team Carter selects Bobby Hoying with the first overall pick?” A visibly confused Cris Carter said at the NFL Pro Bowl podium as he looked down at his selection. “I don’t remember picki….”

Carter was interrupted by a jubilant, middle aged man jumping up from his seat in the back of the audience, who proceeded to bum rush security and make it onstage with the frightened Carter. Hoying, as he was later identified, wrapped Carter in a bear hug and picked him up several feet from the ground.

“That’s how you do it, you son of a bitch! Big Balls Bobby Hoying is back and he can’t wait to get back in that huddle and sling his balls all around that field,” Hoying yelled, a cowboy hat tipped jauntily on his head. “I’ve heard a lot of things about those Phoenix girls too, I can’t wait to get knee deep in that gash, lets do this boys!”

NFL executives scrambled to see if the pick was legal, but it was later determined that the pick would stand after Hoying held a straight edge razor to Roger Goodell’s neck, threatening to give the NFL commissioner a “real close shave.”

“Bobby made it fair and square, so I’ll be seeing you all in Phoenix real soon. I hope you boys remember to bring that ‘magic powder,’ because I’m sure I’ll have a little bit of a sinus infection before the start of the game, if you know what I mean,” he said to the rest of the terrified Pro Bowlers.

When asked where he had been for the past 14 years, Hoying said he had gone down south over the border to work on an oil rig and for some of them “real mean cartel boys.”

“But I’m back now you sons of bitches, and Bobby is looking to make up for lost time!” Hoying hooted, grabbing a loose football and rifling it in the face of a stunned Kurt Warner. “Too slow, choir boy!”

As of press time, Hoying was in a manure caked jeep doing celebratory victory donuts on Ray Rhodes’ front lawn.

Don Tollefson found guilty, implicates self in OJ Simpson murder case

Philadelphia PA – In a rambling, confused closing statement from former NBC sportscaster Don Tollefson, eyewitnesses reported the embattled media personality somehow implicated himself in the brutal murders of both Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson.

Tollefson represented himself against accusations of stealing more than $340,000 from sports fans through fundraisers for his charity Winning Ways. His closing arguments reportedly lasted more than 25 minutes in front of a stunned jury, who quickly found “Tolly” guilty of all five original counts, and then additionally found him guilty of the 1994 double murder charge originally levied against Simpson.

“I in no way did anything illegal. Those people who bought tickets and trips from my charity were recouped of all their losses. I am 100 percent innocent of all charges,” Tollefson reportedly said. “Unlike the murder charges that should have been brought against me in the early 90s for my brutal slaughtering of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson. Boy, I gave them what they deserved, that’s for sure.”

Tollefson then produced an old, brittle leather glove from his breast pocket, which he proceeded to use to mop his brow, leaving a streak of blood across his forehead.

“There was nothing sneaky about this, unlike how I sneakily crept into Nicole’s home on that fateful night, June 12th 1994,” he said.

As the judge urged him to remain quite, Tollefson ignored his pleas and continued his diatribe.

“Hell, I wasn’t even friends with OJ. I was just bored, wondered what it would be like to kill a man with my bare hands,” he said, eyes wide as he looked down at his shaking fists.

Finishing his closing argument, Tollefson picked up a courtroom microphone and theatrically dropped it to the ground, as he was then forcefully handcuffed by courtroom bailiffs.

Eyewitnesses reported that Tollefson could be heard yelling “What I do! What I do!” as he was led away from the courtroom.

Joel Embiid has an eating disorder

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (8-33). Brett Brown looks like he wants to punch Sam Hinkie in his face every time he sees him.

You vultures. Do you know what you’re putting Joel Embiid through? Ever since the report came out calling him a lazy, fat bum, Embiid has developed a pretty nasty eating habit. He’s been “cleansing” (drinking only chickory, lemon water, and Siracha) for the past week trying to lose weight and it’s really fucking with his head. We all found him passed out on the locker room floor after we were blown out by Detroit, speaking in ancient tongues that only Furkan Aldemir seemed to understand. He ran to his locker and came back clutching a sprig of wolfsbane, which he slapped across Embiid’s face until he came too.

After practice today, Nerlens came in and saw him hunched over a small plasma television, watching something intently. Nerlens asked him what he was doing and Embiid said he was “watching tape.” We went over to him and saw the television wasn’t even plugged in.

I hope he pulls it together.

We play the Knicks tonight. What a great showcase of NBA basketball this will be.

President Obama opens State of the Union Address complaining about New England Patriots

Washington DC – President Barack Obama’s approval rating skyrocketed last night as the leader of the free world opened his State of the Union address condemning the actions of the New England Patriots and the team’s role in the “Deflate Gate” scandal.

“My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight enraged, as no doubt most of you are, that the New England Patriots again used underhanded techniques to triumph in the game of football,” Obama said, pursing his lips and looking into the camera. “I was dismayed Sunday evening after the Patriots defeated the Colts to reach the Super Bowl, but I was enraged monday afternoon when our CIA moles informed me the Patriots may have intentionally deflated footballs in order to give pretty boy Tom Brady an unfair advantage. This will not stand.”

“You think you can cheat the American public out of a Super Bowl that doesn’t feature the New England Patriots? Think again, you clam chowder eating pieces of shit,” he continued, pointing his finger at the camera and audibly slamming his fist on the podium.

Obama continued to express his frustrations at seeing the Patriots in “yet another Super Bowl,” and vowed to use every resource at his disposal to “show the world at large what a despicable organization the Patriots really are.”

He went on for 40 minutes, forgoing discussions about the looming threat of ISIS to America’s safety or the growing deficit, trashing the Patriots.

He received a record 35 standing ovations from the assembled crowd.

Perhaps the largest came when he winked at the camera and informed the American people Tom Brady would “most likely not be in attendance” at the upcoming Super Bowl due to “a prior engagement at Guantanamo Bay.”

Obama closed the final 5 minutes of the State of the Union discussing a potential terrorist plot aimed to take down much of America’s infrastructure, but the audience was still abuzz after the thrashing he leveed against New England and its “pompous, prick fans.”

“It was magical. I’ve never seen a President unite the country as well as President Obama did tonight,” said Candy Crowley, CNN’s chief political correspondent. “He touched on a raw nerve in this country; the absolute hatred of those pieces of shit up in New England and their cheating ways. Seriously, fuck Belichick and his sissy boy quarterback Tom Brady.”

Obama’s Gallup Approval rating rose from 42.6% to 93.2% after the address.